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TITLE: CSI: Fairy Tale Division
By Glenn A. Hascall
04/01/05
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This is one of a series of fractured fairy tales that I have written for the stage. No moral point - just fun. Thanks in advance for any time you might take in reviewing this script.
CSI: Fairy Tale Division
Glenn A. Hascall

THEME: Fractured Fairy Tales - Red Riding Hood

CATEGORY: L/Lighthearted

SYNOPSIS: A unusual twist to a well loved classic fairy tale. This time around Little Red Riding Hood meets CSI. A slightly different look at a classic.

CAST: NARRATOR, CSI # 1, CSA # 2, GRANNY, RED, WOLF, PHOTO GUY (Photo Guy mostly takes photos at random on the stage as if collecting things for the foresnic lab).

PROPS: Appropriate attire, Note pad and pen, Tweezers, Duct Tape, Wallet, Two cell phones, Sun glasses, camera, other props as desired (I.e. a basket with pastries, Red cape etc.)

(Theme Music In)

CSI # 1: So what’a we got?

PHOTO GUY: A Canis Lupis in the great room, an adolescent female with vision problems and a senior citizen found in the closet.

CSI # 1: She OK?

PHOT GUY: Yeah, she’ll be fine. No abrasions to speak of. Her granddaughter dropped by with a package.

CSI # 1: A package.

PHOTO GUY: A transportation devise primarily comprised of whicker with a cotton lining.

CSI # 1: A basket. OK, where’s the granddaughter?

PHOT GUY: She’s the one in red over there. (Point toward Red)

CSI # 1: (Walks toward Red) So, you were delivering something to your grandmother?

RED: Yes, French Crullers.

CSI # 2: The pastry?

RED: (Confused) Yes.

CSI # 2: I only ask because I once knew a French Cruller - he was really very good at Parcheesi.

RED: (Tries to be polite) No it was the donut, not the famous Parcheesi player.

CSI # 1: Hmmmm. (Reaches down with tweezers and picks up something)

CSI # 2: What is it?

CSI # 1: These old things? Why they’re tweezers, but there’s no time to talk about them. We really need to find out what happened here. We’ve got one Canis Lupus by the fire place and the only thing we are sure of is that French Cruller was nowhere near the scene of the crime.

CSI # 2: (Turns attention to Granny) So what exactly happened ma’am?

GRANNY: Well, I was sitting in the easy chair watching Oprah when this ‘fur ball’ arrived unannounced. He placed a double layer of duct tape over my mouth and put me in the closet.

CSI # 1: (Picks up a strip of duct tape with his tweezers) Is this it ma’am?

GRANNY: Yes.

CSI # 2: Had you ever seen this ‘fur ball’ before?

GRANNY: No, that’s what made his behavior so unusual.

CSI # 1: So when you say ‘fur ball’ … you mean?

CSI # 2: I would assume a ball of fur - possibly the size of a softball - maybe a bit larger.

GRANNY: No, I mean a wolf - a gray wolf - possibly 18-24 months of age.

CSI # 2: Oh, (Scribbles out a few lines on his notepad) do you think you could identify this ‘fur ball’ if you saw him again?

GRANNY: Yeah!

CSI # 1: That’s great, let’s get Granny downtown to look over mug shots.

GRANNY: Don’t need to.

CSI # 2: Why’s that, Granny?

GRANNY: That’s him by the fireplace.

CSI # 1: Check to see if he’s got any ID.

CSI # 2: (WOLF should lift his arm with the wallet - CSI # 1 takes it from him) Well, how do you explain this? (Looks at Granny) His ID indicates that he’s you.

GRANNY: What?

CSI # 1: (Looks at the ID) He’s not very photogenic.

GRANNY: (Exasperated) Haven’t you ever heard of identity theft?

CSI # 1: Identity theft?

CSI # 2: Diabolical.

CSI # 1: (Looks at Granny) So who are you pretending to be?

GRANNY: Not ME - HIM!

CSI # 1: Oh, so you’re saying that the wolf subject was attempting to assume your identity.

GRANNY: (Frustrated) YES!

CSI # 2: Wow, never saw that coming. (Looks at the wolf) Although I will say the deceased looks nothing like you - and he needs a shave.

CSI # 1: That’s why we follow the evidence.

CSI # 2: Miss Red, could we speak with you for a minute.

RED: Sure.

CSI # 1: Did you have an altercation with the Canis Lupus?

RED: No, but I did have a nasty chat with that wolf over there.

CSI # 1: (Looks around at the stage)

CSI # 2: What’s wrong?

CSI # 1: (Wipes a finger across his forehead as if avoiding something horrible) For a minute there I thought we were on TV Land

CSI # 2: Gilligan’s Island?

CSI # 1: Yep.

CSI # 2: Do you remember any conversation you had with the alleged wolf?

RED: I made some general comment about teeth, ear and eye size. I did notice an odor that didn’t really smell like grandma. He was ‘good’.

CS! # 2: Good - as in nice?

RED: No, good - as in he had me convinced he was Granny until that whole, “better to eat you with” monologue.

CSI # 1: So what happened then?

RED: I ran screaming like Chicken Little and then acted like a matador with my red cape - the wolf ran right into the wall. Expired like last week’s bologna.

CSI # 2: You’ve been watching too much late night detective shows, ma‘am.

RED: No, he really smelled like expired bologna.

CSI # 1: So you had a lot of experience with spoiled bologna?

GRANNY: (Forceful) You don’t have to answer that, dear.

RED: (Nervous) I think I want to see my lawyer.

CSI # 2: Would you excuse us?

GRANNY: Sure. (The two CSI staff move apart from Granny and Red to discuss the issue)

CSI # 1: It’s plain to see that things aren’t as they should be.

CSI # 2: You got that right. Mom thought I should be in the philharmonic. Still don’t know what I’m doing chasing legendary figures here at Fairy Tale Division.

CSI # 1: I’m actually talking about the cover up going on here.

CSI # 2: Cover up?

CSI # 1: I think Granny made a call to Red at midnight.

(Have Granny and Red act this part out on separate areas of the stage - use cell phones - add some ethereal music if possible)

GRANNY: Red?

RED: (Sleepy) Granny?

GRANNY: Yes. I need you to come over tomorrow and bring me a basket of strawberry tarts, you know, the kind with cream.

RED: Those ARE good.

GRANNY: And be sure to leave your glasses at home, dear. You know how I love to see your eyes.

RED: But Granny, you know I’m blind as a bat without them.

GRANNY: Well, alright, but take them off before you come in. Oh, and wear your red cape.

RED: Granny, why are you calling me so late?

GRANNY: Nights and weekends are free.

CSI # 1: I think that’s how it happened. (If you use music, it should end here)

GRANNY: That’s not true.

CSI # 2: Then show us the Crullers ma’am.

CSI # 1: You see the wolf population are highly susceptible to the effects of berries and the contents of the basket with Red’s fingerprints - yep, strawberry tarts.

GRANNY: No.

CSI # 2: It’s the crack/cocaine of the wolf kingdom.

GRANNY: I didn’t…

CSI # 1: You intentionally dangled it in front of the wolf knowing he’s be all it like a four year-old boy on a stink bug..

RED: Granny?

GRANNY: But I…

CSI # 1: You can come clean, Granny. The wallet has your fingerprints on it. You planted the phony I.D. You intentionally lured the wolf to your property through the use of your granddaughter, Red, and, of course, a few strawberry tarts.

GRANNY: No.

CSI # 2: You even offered the wolf a few tips on how to act like you so a visually impaired Red, wouldn’t know the difference.

RED: Granny?

GRANNY: (Paused in conflict) Alright - it was me - I did it.

RED: (Emotional) Why Granny?

GRANNY: Well, I…

WOLF: (Pops up from the ground.)

CSI # 1: Well now this is a surprise.

CSI # 2: And he’s alive.

WOLF: (Brushes his arms) Granny was in the midst of training for her new role in a secret branch of the government designed to assist officials in locating bad guys originating in children’s literature.

CSI # 2: And who are you?

WOLF: Special agent Johnny Wolfiwittz (Flips out a badge). This was a simple training exercise - a misunderstanding, although I wasn’t expecting to be put out of commission by a wall.

CSI # 1: Don’t you people ever send a memo?

WOLF: No. But I am working another case tomorrow in your district.

CSI # 2: Really?

WOLF: Yes, there are three pigs that just moved here. They are homebuilders by trade, it’s believed that their penchant for shoddy work may cause problems for their customers. There’s a lot of huffing and puffing down at headquarters about that.

CSI # 1: Tell me about it.

CSI # 2: We’ll get a report on this?

WOLF: (Overly friendly) Probably not.

CSI # 1: You know Mr. Wolfiwittz - there’s just one thing I don’t understand.

WOLF: What’s that?

CSI # 1: How it is that the surveillance camera outside Granny’s house shows you sneaking into the home wearing an outfit similar to Granny?

WOLF: (Nervous) Surveillance tape?

CSI # 1: You might have gotten away with it to if it hadn’t been for something that Red said.

WOLF: What was that.

RED: (Reenacting the moment) He just smelled like expired bologna.

CSI # 2: You see, we just received word that the three little pigs had already had a visitor today.

WOLF: (Broken) Look - I was on a diet - one of those new no pork things - I tried, really I did. Is it a crime to go off your diet?

CSI # 1: (Places cuffs on the Wolf) Tell it to the judge.

(Theme Music Out)

CSI # 2: Yesterday it was pork cutlets - today?

(Both CSI # 1 & # 2 put on Sunglasses and walk off stage with the as Granny and Red watch in stunned silence)

Fade to Black
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