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TITLE: I Wonder Who They Are - Thought for the Day May 11, 2008
By Ricky Flowers

This is not something I intended to write but the words came, some through a dream. It's a lot of random thoughts and feelings. The letter to God was something that came to me in a dream. Hope you enjoy.
Thought for the day Ė I Wonder Who They Are - May 11, 2008
By Rick Flowers

I have spent most of my life not knowing who I am and still donít. Life has always seemed so transient. Itís like I was sent here because they needed a place to put me until they had room, I wonder who they are.

I have experienced many things in my 40 years from great fear to the most wonderful joy and everything in between but I have never been able to harness the power of any of those emotions good or bad. Perhaps itís not for me to achieve. Perhaps happiness is something never to be found. Perhaps joy is simply out of reach except for a chosen few or maybe, maybe we just look too hard for too long in the wrong places. Perhaps we should not be looking at all but instead, focusing on just being who we are for the time that we have. Perhaps thatís how God meant for it to be. Maybe the experience of emotion and the ability to control it and become one with it is a gift that can only be obtained when one is in the presence of God and when we finally, once and for all, give ourselves to the one and only God of the universe and of all that is. Godís word says that if we are unwilling to put him first, we cannot follow him.

Luke 14: 25-26
Now great multitudes were going along with Him; and He turned and said to them, "If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple."

What this means to me is that until we are willing to make God number one, and everything else second, third and forth, we will continue to wonder and roam alone until such time as we are willing to do so or until we are claimed by Satin and his angles.

Enough of the preaching, I have been going through a lot personally over the last few months and wanted to share with you a letter I read in of all places, a dream I had one night no so long ago. To my knowledge itís fiction but when I read it in my dream it seemed so real. I have been meaning to post it on my blog for a few days now but have not been able to recall it in its entirety until now. So here it is.

Dear God,

I wanted to take a moment to thank you for all that you have done for me. I want to thank you for the wonderful family, the wife, three kids, the house and car, the dog and the cat all of which made my life whole. Or so I thought.

Thank you Lord for the great neighborhood and great neighbors who were always there to offer a helping hand when I needed it and when the family needed it. Thank you for being there when all three of the children were born. Those were the most joyful moments of my life and I will never forget the feeling. Thank you for helping me when I was a young man not knowing which way to go in life. Thank you for the doors that opened, and thank you for those that closed.

My momma always taught me to ask you if I ever needed anything and I always tried to do that. Lots of times I couldnít really tell if you were there but I did what my momma told me, so I was pretty sure.

Lord, you know I have struggled a lot in my life, going this way and that, doubts at every turn, uncertainty always staring me in the face but I hope I made you proud by pushing forward and never giving up, I hope that counted for something.

Thank you for being there when I lost my first child to cancer. I know you were there because she told me on her death bed at 8 years old, ďDaddy, donít cry, the angels are here to take me home.Ē Just like that she was gone. Thank you for being there when I lost my second child to a car accident. I know you were there because she didnít suffer; she died instantly and without pain so the doctor said. Thank you for being there when I lost my third child to the world of drugs and alcohol. He told me he was sorry for being such a disappointment. Before he died he didnít mention angels. There was no smile on his face, only pain and sorrow but I knew you were there because he didnít suffer long. I just didnít know where he ended up.

Thank you for being there when my wife committed suicide. From the day our first child died of cancer, she had never been the same. She had become depressed and withdrawn. She was never able to overcome the tragedy nor could I and with one after the other, she couldnít deal with life anymore. She told me in her farewell letter she would probably end up in Hell but she couldnít take it anymore and had to move on.

Thank you for being there as I read the letter written by the last living member of the family you gave me and that was taken from me one by one. I often wondered why you would put me through such torment, such agony, such pain and as my tears stained the letter she had written I heard your still small voice whisper, ďI called you and you did not heed my call, I needed you and you did not wish to help, you only pretended to know me, to seek me out and you only really gave in to me in times of tragedy and heartache. That is not what knowing me is about. That is not what serving me means. You were Luke warm all your life. Each time tragedy came your way you hit your knees and prayed for help, but you didnít mean it. You wanted it for now, but not for later. You were never willing to truly put me first, I called and you did not heed my call.Ē

So many years passed Lord since that day in the chapel, listening to your voice. I guess it would have done me good to actually listen to what you said that day. Unfortunately I was too caught up in my tremendous loss and my grief that I didnít really hear what you said. So here I am, so many years later thanking you for all those moments in my life where you were there and finally I realize you never intended to be there only for moments at a time, but for all time. It was like a light bulb came on in my head. I finally understood what you were trying to tell me. What you were trying to show me. What you wanted me to do.

Lord Iím sorry I didnít listen, Iím sorry I didnít pay closer attention to what you were trying to do in my life and with my life. Iím sorry I didnít heed your call so many years ago when you first reached down your hand. Iím sorry I only wanted you in times of trouble. Iím sorryÖÖ..Iím so sorry.

Lord, Iíve got to go now, they are calling me. I wish Ö.. I wishÖÖ I wish I had figured out who ďTheyĒ were before now.
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