TITLE: BBNB11-I'll Try
By David (The Goliath Assassin)
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“There is no try. Only do.”
Most people heard it first from Yoda.
I know it best from the likes of Chris Brady, Tim Marks and Orrin Woodward.
It’s a state of mind. It’s a modern-day truth.
You can’t judge a person by intentions
Because you can never truly know another man’s heart.
A man might have a thousand emotions
But only the strongest few ever get acted-on each day.
What then, are his actions when all emotions equate to despair?
“There is no try. Only do. You can do anything if you put your mind to it.”
Just a couple paradigms of thought I have grown to subscribe to.
In my intellectual mind, I believe in them fully.
When I appeal to logic and really focus on the task in front of me.
But I do believe that when uninspired, I’ve been programmed to operate
On an entirely-different set of beliefs.
I remember being dropped-off at school one day.
Without any specific proof of memory
I can’t nail down the timeframe.
I had a test in spelling. Normally not a problem.
But my mind had been so mixed-up lately…
I wasn’t doing homework… I was having problems with other kids…
I wasn’t ready for this test that should have come easy to me naturally.
I’d voiced my concerns, and Mom kept saying “Don’t worry, you’ll do good.”
“You have to do good. This is your subject. Will you get an A on this test for me?”
“I’ll try,” was my answer. And even as I said it, I realized I’d been saying it a lot.
My spirit was broken that day. I can remember feeling like I could do absolutely nothing.
Like I could give my best effort and do a great job, but inevitably fail.
Like maybe I’d pass a couple tests here and there, but I wasn’t to be counted on.
I was even afraid to count on myself for victory where I had before.
Mom told me that morning that “I’ll try” is “just not good enough.”
“You have to DO it. This is your only responsibility.”
“You’ve been saying that a lot lately. Where did you learn that?”
A novel question… A question that only a single mother could ask.
Bless her heart, and I loved her dearly…
But her bread-winning had blinded her from the obvious.
Where did I learn to say “I’ll try?” Who had my example been?
Maybe it was those peers in my school who said “I want to axe you a question.”
Maybe it was the recess supervisor saying “Why you think you so special?”
Or all those nuns scowling at me because I messed-up my First Communion.
Maybe it was the fact that I’d blown my chance go on any more field trips.
Maybe I was well aware that my book bag could be stolen at any moment.
Or that some abuses never leave a bruise…
Maybe it was Brandon, the only white boy who wore a constant smile.
He had two parents. All his uniform shirts were chalk-white.
His mom dropped him off AND picked him up.
Always had an extra apple or sandwich or something…
He got to go home after school… But MY mom had to work till six.
I had to deal with the babysitter’s son. Chase’s name reflected his personality.
Always wanted to wrestle. Always “accidentally” sustained some minor injury.
Maybe I was just coming to realize that no matter how hard I tried
I’d never be in front… Never be on top… Never have an extra sandwich.
Never have a shirt that bright… Never have anything to smile about…
But I’d be GIVEN something to cry about if I kept up my whining!
And even if I did my best and aced test after test
My dad wouldn’t notice. Mom would be at work.
I’d get something stolen from me. I’d be in some confrontation.
Something unforeseen and outrageously out of my control.
I’d have to tell some lie to cover-up some secret.
From a mom who had enough problems to deal with already.
No amount of academics or politeness could change my surroundings.
My world didn’t care about the tenderness of children one bit.
All I could do was try. I never had any guarantee to give.
And I believe that in a way, I was axeing God an eternal question.
A question I was sure I already knew the answer to.
“If I stay here… how long will it take for me to be just like them?”
“How long before I give up on pleasing Mom… and You?”
“How long before I just stop trying altogether?”
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