TITLE: Untill I knew Him !
By Deena Walls
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Could it be true ? Can it be real ? We feel like we’ve looked everywhere ,done everything possible Yet we still hurt ,the tears still come and the numbness doesn’t seem to go away .Oh let it be true ,let it be real .Reaching into the inner court, we have to choose .It’s really not that hard yet it seems so impossible. The decision between living and dying the place in where we could be free .We ‘ve spent so much time bound and entangled it seems normal to be here and the pain is forever real .............
I spent my time there, in that place teetering back and forth in search of something I knew nothing about .I thought I did, and even at times professed it boldly .The things we can talk ourselves into and even sometimes talk ourselves out of are amazing . I had been broken and bruised seeing my father destroy himself ,our home, and my mothers heart as he battled with addiction ,the word “family” became tarnished and forgotten somewhat like a relic you only see at a museum .My rejection continued as other men that came into my life also left .Feeling unwanted and losing my self esteem at a very young age.My thoughts continual never changing always screaming HOW COULD ANYONE LOVE ME ? But yet I searched time and time and time again and I would always came up empty. It was almost like standing outside of myself and watching my life be destroyed .My hands dripping with sin and the lashes of consequence came from every direction,
yet I still ,in my own strength thought I could beat it. I could survive !
What exactly was I fighting ?
I learned the answer to that question after many nights of fighting and grasping on to the little bit of happiness I could create through the covered eyes in which I was looking .A dim picture of what I thought life was suppose to be and an even darker glimpse of what I thought it could end up being .The edges of the picture molding with a stench of pride and materialism. Holding on and knowing I needed to let go .I found the answer to the question “What exactly was I fighting? ” The answer was myself,I had been fighting myself! If only I could do better ,if only I could be stronger, if only I could love them more ,if only I were prettier ....
Then I would be ok !
I knew I was in need ,and that the only thing that could set me free was the One who is love ,created love and could extend love through His Son. God’s Forgiveness wrapping His arms around Repentance Through Jesus ! The reality of that truth sprung me quickly and gently into the arms of my Creator,where I felt the power of Forgiveness. Not only extended to me but also extended from me, to myself .The realization of the Father’s love had brought me to a place where it wasn’t my strength ,or my abilities ,but it was in Him and through Him that I realized I now had a covering that removed the guilt ,shame ,and brokeness that had been infesting my life for so very long.
I was finally able to go to the place where the waters were calm and there was no hurting.Where what I thought mattered didn’t even exist and people knew how to hug.Where freedom was a common denominator and where you could honestly be yourself. I had entered a place of new beginnings where the choices I started making weren’t calculated on my knowledge or ability but on the promises of the One who created knowledge and allows me my ability . I was finally made whole a real girl who still had fears and insecurities but in the midst of them I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt why I was created.........
Until I knew Him I knew nothing of love !
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