Hire
Writers
Editors
Home Tour About Read What's New Help Join Faith
Writers
Forum
My Account Login
Shop
Save
Support
Book
Store
Learn
About
Jesus
  

Get Our Daily Devotional             Win A Publishing Package             Detailed Navigation

The HOME for Christian writers! The Home for Christian Writers!
THE CRITIQUE CIRCLE

BACK TO
CRITIQUE CIRCLE

INSTRUCTIONS
COMPLETE
INSTRUCTIONS HERE

CRITIQUE GUIDELINES

CRITIQUE TIPS

HELP TOUR

It's easy to critique the works of others and get your work critiqued. Just follow the steps below:

1) Post your first piece.

2) You must then critique the work of another member to post another piece yourself.

3) For each critique you give, you earn 1 credit that can be used to post another one of your writings.

4) You can build up credits to be used at another time by giving critiques to others.
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.





TRUST JESUS TODAY

TRY THE TEST





TITLE: The Legendary Hero Ch.1
By C.E. Johnson
03/15/07
 SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
 SEND ARTICLE TO A FRIEND

I basically write fantasy stories, so a heads up for you all.
Recheck for typos, and if anything needs clarification or more detail. Other comments and crtis are welcome
----
the book is now available at www.lulu.com/calimica. Along with other buyables from me.
Chapter 1
I want to be a hero!

Sometimes I wish for something more than this, I thought as I gazed into the summer sky. Like going into a fantasy world, and being a hero there. Shaking my head, I chuckled at myself. As if that will ever happen. I might as well go for a walk in my garden.

I walked out of the house and slowly ambled through the small lane of saplings. The smocked baby pink cami I was wearing flowed a little past the top of my black shorts.

It�s not like I can tell anyone of my desires, I thought. They would tell me to get real, where are you going to find that stuff in the modern world, and besides it�s uncomely of a girl.

Sighing sadly, I dreamed of myself saving towns from menacing monsters, riding on a chestnut colored horse through beautiful emerald meadows, and finding adventures every which way I went.

A bone-chilling scream interrupted my day
dreaming. I shook my head to make sure I hadn�t imagined it. A few seconds later, I heard another shriek.

It�s coming from my lake, I thought.

I rushed toward the lake. My eyes widened in fright at the sight they beheld. My feet skidded to a halt and fear seized my body at the unbelievable sight my eyes had witnessed.

A sinewy monster was walking amongst the trees. It was clad in dull murky green scales that emitted the stench of slimy green snails. As it dragged its long muscular arms against the ground, its long talons burrowed into the earth as if it were preparing graves for its future victims. Its crimson eyes had an evil gleam in them, and its sharp yellow teeth formed into a sinister smile.

I then noticed something move to the right of it. It was two kids!

The first one was a girl who looked like she was about twelve years old. Her long, auburn hair clung to her face as her hazel eyes grew large with terror. Her face was pallid with fear, and her mouth was open as if a in a silent scream. Her small hands desperately clung to a spear that was about as tall as she was.

The other, a boy with a bow and arrow, looked about fourteen. His short, dark, brown hair leapt to and fro in the breeze as if it too were trying to escape the frightening monster. The boy�s large russet eyes were large with fear, but his lips were locked in a defiant grimace. It seemed as if his emotions were at war within him. One side was telling him to be afraid and run while the other side said to stay and fight the immanent threat. His purple shirt and shorts were in tatters and stained slightly with blood. However, he did not look wounded, just a few scratches here and there.

The monster hissed menacingly at the children like a snake about to strike. Both children dropped their weapons and clung desperately to each other. Closing their eyes tight, they braced for the deadly attack. Their quivering mouths were moving, but no words came out.

Sneering vilely at the children, the monster let out a raspy and guttural laugh.

A sensation of fear surged throughout my body like electricity. This thing is so horrific I just want to hide under my bed� I thought, but I can�t leave the kids to die�But what can I do? It�s not like I have any to fight with.

The monster swung its muscular tail at the children�s weapons flinging them far away from the kids and next to my feet.

The children fell to their knees. They seemed to have lost all their strength and will to flee or fight. The only thing they thought to do was tightly huddle together in what seemed an attempt to shield one another from the impending blows.

Glancing at the weapons, I hesitated.

I know I should help them, but I�m scared. And what good would it do if I were to die? It would just be one more death to the toll. I sighed, and shook my head. But I can�t leave them here to die. It�s wrong, and I could never live with myself.

Lord, help me, I silently prayed.

I looked down at the bow and arrows and picked them up. But upon doing so, I accidentally stepped on some dry twigs which snapped underfoot. The monster�s head instantly snapped in my direction and sneered vilely at me.

I stood there terror-stricken as it started walking toward me. Its long arms and talons were flexing, getting ready to thrash out at me in its mad anger. It raised its claws and slashed at me.

I broke out of my stupor just in time. I jumped back just barely missing its talons.

The monster hissed angrily and snatched at the bow. It�s held the bow in its vice like grip.
Darn it, I thought. At this pace, I�ll never get it free. I might as well go for the spear.
I suddenly released the bow, and sent the monster reeling backward. Taking this opportunity, I quickly rushed behind the tree where the spear lay.

However, as I bent down to pick up the spear, I was suddenly sent sprawling. I rolled around and saw the monster laughing at me. The rows of its pointy jagged teeth glistened in the broken sunlight.

If I can only reach the spear, I thought, I�m so close to reaching it� just a couple of inches away...
As the fiend suddenly lunged at me, I quickly grabbed the spear and lifted it up as the monster pounced toward me. The monster�s eyes widened in fear as it realized its fate. It shrieked and thrashed at the air, trying somehow to avoid the lethal blow. But within seconds, it was impaled on the spear. The monster�s face was an inch from me. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

Huh? I thought. No blood. It�s dead. Impaled, but no blood, how is that possible? I shoved the body aside, and it hit the ground with a dull thud.

The children! I suddenly remembered. I looked toward where I had last seen them. They were still there, huddled together. I stood up and walked over to them.

�We�re safe now,� I told them. �I killed it.�

They looked up at me, then to the dead monster, then back at me. They slowly stood up. Then, before I could say another word, they faded into nothing right before my eyes!
I turned to look at the monster. I saw that it was vanishing into thin air. A few seconds later, the place where it had laid was empty. Even the children�s weapons were gone.

I stood there awe-struck at what just happened.

�Wha-?!� I said quietly. I was in total shock. �Am I going crazy?�

Too much weird stuff for me to handle, I thought. I�m going home.

When I entered the house the sun had curled up on the horizon covering itself with blankets of red, pink, and blue.

That sounds like a good idea, I tiredly thought, gazing at the sunset. I went inside and went straight to bed.

Later that night, I dreamed about what had happened near the lake. But instead of heading back home at the end, I continued my walk in the garden.

The trees swayed eerily in the breeze. Their limbs were like skeletal arms that tried to capture me.

I dodged the attacks and rushed to my
pond. I fell to my knees, gasping for breath.

What is going on here? I wondered. Monsters appearing, children disappearing, and now the trees seem to have come to life.

A ghastly visage suddenly appeared on the watery surface, and I spun around. There was a monster leering at me. It was just like to the one that had attacked me earlier. My heart quaked. I grabbed a long pointed stick and lunged at the beast. It dodged and knocked me on to my back.

Sneering wickedly at me, it loomed over me and took out a crude looking spear. As it was about to plunge the flint blade into my flesh, I awoke from my nightmare with a start.

Cold sweat streamed down my forehead. I checked the time, it read: 1:57 A.M. As I Rolled over, my body throbbed and I groaned softly.

The after effects of battle, I thought. It'll stop hurting when I wake up� I hope�.

When I woke again, it felt like I only had a few minutes of sleep. I checked the time once more. It read: 12:52 P.M.

I walked into the kitchen, half awake.

�Ahh! It�s awake!� my dad said in mock horror.
I just gave him this look that said, �hahaha very funny�.

�Afternoon, sleepy head,� my mom said to me. �What do you want to eat?�

�Fruit,� I replied.

�You are what you eat,� my dad jested at me.
I just shook my head and grinned.

After I ate, I went down to my pond and sat down. I stared into the water. My reflection rippled in the water. My blond hair just barely touched my slightly tan shoulders, and my eyes looked almost as blue as the waters. Then my reflection vanished as the gold fish and koi were swimming to and fro.

Tons of thoughts popped into my mind like: Was what happened the other day with the monster and the kids real? Was it all a figment of my imagination? It had to be real� I got sore from it�How did everything disappear? Why did that monster attack them? Why didn't I vanish? Will it happen again?

�Questions, questions, and nothing but questions,� I thought aloud, still gazing at the pond.

�Where there are questions, there are answers,� said a voice.
Who�s that!? I wondered, jumping up. I
turned and saw my two friends, Beth and June.

Beth stood there looking at me in a strange scrutinizing kind of way. Her chestnut bangs barely touched her russet glasses that went over hazel eyes. The wind made the hem of her navy blue tee-shirt flap slightly against her khaki shorts.

June�s short light sienna hair nearly matched her eyes which seemed to show a hint of worry. Her slight frown on her tan face and the tapping of her fingers on her light blue tunic made me wonder why she seemed upset.

�What are you doing here?!� I asked.

�Your parents are worried about you, Chris,� replied Beth, looking sad.

�Why?� I asked curiously.

�They said you acted strange yesterday,� June began, sitting down beside me. �They said you came home late, and staggered into your room.�

�I was daydreaming and lost track of time,� I replied, feeling uneasy. �And I was staggering because I got a bit more exercise than I expected and it made me tired and sore.�

Maybe that is what happened, I thought. I still don�t know what to think of it�How could I tell them what happened, when I don�t even know?

�What were you doing?� inquired June.
�Uh�,� I said.

�C�mon Chris, you can tell us,� Beth said.

�Yeah,� said June. �I know you too well. You'd never stay out that late, even if you were day dreaming.�

�Really?� I sincerely asked her. �Would I really not do that? I don�t know��

�What do you mean?� Beth asked surprised.
�I don�t really know what happened,� I said. �I saw it with my own eyes, but I don�t know if it really happened or if it was just a dream��
�What?� asked June.

�A fight,� I replied.

�How serious was it?� June asked quietly. She seemed to be afraid to know the truth. �Were you hurt?�

�You were in a fight?!� Beth asked at the same time. �Were you hurt?�

�Nothing to get worried over,� I replied. �I wasn�t even hurt from it- just sore.

�Who did you fight with?� Beth insisted, hoping to get another stab at the truth.

Before I could respond, one of those horrible creatures appeared from out of the trees.

�One of those things,� I said.

My friends turned around and screamed.

At the sound of the screams, the beast
turned and sneered at us. Its sharp teeth glistened menacingly.

�Swell,� I said, sarcastically.

�What is that thing?� June shrieked in horror.

�Trouble,� I answered. �Its kind tried to kill me yesterday.�

�Why did it try to kill you?� Beth asked horrified.

�I don�t know,� I told her.

I backed up a bit, and stepped on something long and hard. Looking down, I saw it was a long pointed stick.

Just like the one in my dream, I thought.

Just thinking of what had happened to me in my dream made me shudder. The hair on my neck bristled. My heart frantically pounded against my chest as if it wanted to flee from the monster before us.

�Chris, what are you doing?� asked Beth.

�I'm going to try to kill it,� I replied, picking up the stick. My hand was so slick with sweat that it almost slipped right out of my hand.

�You're crazy!� June exclaimed. �Insane even! What makes you think you can beat that thing?�

�I don't know if I can win,� I murmured. �But if I don't do something, he�ll kill us. I can't let him do that!�

�Don't go. Please don't go,� implored June, grabbing my arm. �I'd never forgive myself if you were slaughtered!�

�Gee, June,� I said, trying to not think about what she just said, �you have such a delicate way of saying things.�

�This isn't a video game!� Beth cried out.

�Did I say it was?� I asked. �Video games have nothing to do with this! I fought with one of those creatures and killed it. So hopefully, the fight will go as well as the last time.� I sighed. �Well, I might as well get this over with.� I ran off toward the monster, praying to God to help me through this battle.

�Vengeance!� it hissed. �We will have our revenge!� It raised its talons for an unendurable blow. I jumped aside and plunged the stick into its side.

The monster staggered back a bit, and then glared at me. Howling with pain and anger, it slashed at me.

I jumped back, but not before the talons sliced my arm. Crying out in agony, I clutched my bleeding arm.

�Weakling!� it glowered. �Die now, slow and painful!�

It pulled the stick free from its side and it seemed to feel no pain from doing so.

It thrust the stick toward me, and I grabbed it. I tried to pull it away from him, but my injured arm sent ripples of pain throughout my body, and caused my grip on the weapon to slacken. The creature yanked it from me, and I staggered backwards.

Seeing that I was at a disadvantage, the monster knocked me down onto my back, plunged the stick into my side, and then yanked it out of me.
I cried out in pain.

Pain! Incredible pain! I thought, as a deluge of agony tore through my body. My head began to reel and I felt like I was going to pass out.

�Wiiiinnn! Dead you are! Vortex be happy!� The creature hissed and with that it vanished into thin air.

Blood poured out of my open wound. I gritted my teeth as hard as I could, and tried to focus my thoughts on what I should do.

�Chris!� came June�s voice.

She rushed over to me, and stopped dead in her tracks as she saw the horrific sight.

�Oh, Chris�� She started to sob.

�June,� I faintly said, feeling weaker and weaker. I leaned my head to one side.

There�s gotta be something I can do! I thought. I can�t die now!

Then suddenly there was this strange and soft feeling of someone knocking on my thoughts.

A voice softer than a whisper but yet clearly audible spoke to me.

Did you forget about me? The voice asked gently.

I can�t believe how dense I am! I thought. God, please save me! I don�t know how you will do it�it would be too late for any rescue people to save me�but you�re God, and you can do anything! Please save me! Don�t let me die!

Fear not for I am with you. All that has happened and will happen is in accordance to the plans I have for you, God told me.

�Beth, come over hear, quick!� June cried.

I heard footsteps rush over where we were.

�Chris,� Beth began softly, and started to cry.

�You're going to be fine,� June reassured me.

�Yes!� Beth cried. �You're going to live! You�ve got to!�

Suddenly, from out of the bushes, an old man with a flowing white beard and mysterious light blue eyes came running over to us. His long robe billowed around him like a navy sea. He held a gnarled walking staff beside him, though judging from his strides it didn�t seemed he needed it to aide him in moving.

�Who are you?� Beth inquired.

�I am called Terril,� he answered. His warm eyes held compassion and concern in them. �Who are you and what happened here?�

�Why should she tell you her name?� snapped June.

�My name's Chris,� I spoke out, feeling weaker than before. ��was attacked by a monster.�

Terril and my friends looked more worried than I've seen anyone ever look.

�Chris, you shouldn't have told him!� Beth scolded me.

�I have come to help not to harm,� Terril stated quickly.

�What do you mean?� Beth asked, confused about his statement.

�I have something at my house that can heal you,� he replied �But you must come with me.�

My friends rushed over to protect me from him.

�Where are you planning to take her?� June demanded.

�To my world,� replied Terril.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
YOUR CREDITS

LOGIN HERE




REMINDER:

REMEMBER, this is a Critique Circle. Please try to give a critique to receive a critique. If you do not want to give any critiques, you can use the REGULAR ARTICLE SUBMISSION area. If you are unsure about how to critique, please use the CRITIQUE GUIDELINES and CRITIQUE TIPS.

VIEWING CRITIQUES:

To view your critiques that you receive on any writing, login to your account and click "CRITIQUE CIRCLE MANAGEMENT" to view all of your critiques and edit each piece. Then, click "VIEW CRITIQUES" next to the article title to view critiques on that piece. Comments on all of your writings when using the Critique Circle will not be displayed publicly as regular and writing challenge articles. They can only be viewed by accessing them from your account.