TITLE: The End of The Line
By Ricky Flowers
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This is a true story about a friend of mine. It is written in first person because it is how I see his life through my eyes. I have tried to step into his shoes and understand the torment he is going through. I have known my friend for over (15) years now and have never seen him so low. I have done everything that I can think of to help him get out of this awful place he has found himself in and have been unsuccessful. Those of you who follow my writing know this person as I have written many articles and poems about the struggles he has gone through over the last (3) years. It seems that all I have written about his life has led to this point. It seems that the worse part is only beginning.
The End of The Line – Part I
By: Rick Flowers
I woke with a start and I wasn’t sure if it was the cat or something else moving in the darkness but what I did know was, I couldn’t move. It was as if I were paralyzed. I felt overwhelmed with fear and I wanted to scream but, no sound would come from my lungs and I could barely breath. I felt………..dead.
How long I had been this way I wasn’t sure but I knew I didn’t know how to get out. This place was so dark and damp, the air was cold on my skin and I felt so alone and overcome with such sadness. I wanted it to end. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I wanted to die. Just to be left alone to die.
So this is what it feels like to want nothing more than to go to sleep and awake in the next world. This is what it is like to be totally alone in the world with no one who understands what you feel and what you are going through. This is what it is like when no one can see things from your perspective and know how useless it all seems. This is where the broken end up, those who have been to the edge and back but don’t realize they are back. This is what happens when there is nothing left. When you have searched for so long for happiness and find none. Where there is nothing left.
I guess this is what they call rock bottom…..humm….It certainly is everything I’ve heard it is and more. As I look around in the darkness I begin to realize I am at the bottom of a deep tunnel and above, in the far distance and barely visible is an opening. Did I get here from way up there? I wasn’t sure and at the moment I didn’t care. All I could hear was a deep moaning from somewhere nearby and I was completely terrified. I could not move and I wanted nothing more than to bolt from this place and never return.
I begin to pray quietly and to myself…..God, where are you? How did I get to this place? God, do you hear me? Will you help me? Tears began to run down my face and I could hear the deep groans coming from within me begging God for help, begging to be rescued from this horrible place. I began to scream in anger because God was not responding! I needed help now and no answer came, no help came it was as if God had cast me aside like common garbage to be burned in hell. Oh God please!!! Please God save me from this place! Please help me………and again my cries went unheard…
Then I thought…….Oh my God, he knows……..fear gripped me as never before and I screamed as loud and as hard as I could, tears were flowing from my eyes and soaking the ground around where my head lay…….Oh my God, he knows that this is like all the other times I have called on his name……..He thinks I don’t mean it, He thinks I am not sincere, He thinks that I am only calling now because I am in trouble and will just as soon turn away again……….no God, it’s not true, please believe me its not true! I will not turn you away again if you will just help me this one more time, pleeeeaaassse, oh please don’t leave me alone in this hell hole, in this darkness, in this loneliness and sadness!
Suddenly, as if nothing at all had happened I was able to move. I jumped to my feet and wondered if it were all a dream. As I looked around I realized it was not. I was still in the same place as before the only difference is I could move, I could hear, I could wipe the tears from my face and I could speak.
As my eyes became more accustomed to the darkness I noticed a small stool next to the wall across from me and slowly move toward it. As I came nearer all I could do was stare at it as if it were some work of art, besides myself, it was the only other object in the room and so I sat down and stared up at the opening wanting so much to get out but at the same time not really caring if I got out at all. Does that make any sense? I think not but it is what it is.
It’s hard to describe this world that I am in, it’s like being inside a body, watching everything going on around you but without the ability to participate. You must understand that I grew up in church and know very well who God and Jesus are. I know what the bible is and the stories it teaches. All of that is fine and good but not for me I thought. As a kid I rejected “That way of life” and chose the lower road and have insisted on traveling that road ever since.
I guess it’s been over twenty years now. In those years I have loved and laughed. I have traveled to many places and basically done as I saw fit. I adopted a little girl, survived cancer and I am living with other demons I choose not to mention. I drive a new car, I have a nice home and a job that more than pays the bills and yet I am dead inside. I see no light at the end of my tunnel. I see no hope for a brighter future. With all that I have I feel I have lost it all. It makes no sense but it is who I am now, it is the life I lead now, it is my rut, it is my depression and it may very well be my destruction.
To be continued………
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