It's easy to critique the works of others and get your work critiqued. Just follow the steps below:
1) Post your first piece.
2) You must then critique the work of another member to post another piece yourself.
3) For each critique you give, you earn 1 credit that can be used to post another one of your writings.
4) You can build up credits to be used at another time by giving critiques to others.
Our Daily Devotional
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.
TRUST JESUS TODAY
I had to write a short story for school and I came up with this. I just want to know if it is worth anything. Does it hold your interest?Any suggestions to make it better?
What is happening to my perfect little world?
A solitary figure walked down the sidewalk in the misty rain. No umbrella, just the upturned collar of her simple gray trench coat and a matching gray bucket hat. Dragging her feet through the puddles, not aware, or perhaps she just didn’t care, that rainwater had seeped into her shoes and soaked her socks. The dismal weather did nothing to improve her dreary, downcast disposition. Rather, she noted dryly, she liked the weather to match her mood.
A smart, red corvette sped by, sending heavy drops of stagnant water showering down on her.
She screamed. “Can life get any worse? Would someone just kill me?” she knelt in a puddle and wept.
She stood, dripping, in the doorway of her apartment staring at the neat, clean, orderly space. She had been on cloud nine this morning, how was it that she was now lower than a snake’s belly? How long ago was it that she had left this place in a state of bliss she thought could never be shattered? Ten hours or so? What did it matter? She threw her damp purse on the counter, kicked off shoes, and flung her ruined coat on the floor. After changing into her roomiest, comfiest pajamas, she plopped down on the couch with a triple-sized piece of Devil’s chocolate food cake with fudge icing and a tall glass of cold milk.
She ate her dinner slowly, contemplating the day’s events. As she walked home, she had felt the weight of them upon her shoulders, but now as she sat in her little apartment all comfy and cozy with a warm piece of chocolate cake in her hands and her fleece pajamas rubbing against her skin, they seemed surreal. First she had been fired from her job as a journalist for the Montgomery Enterprise. Her car was stolen. Her best friend and sister had called her to tell her that she had a miscarriage. Then, when she and called her fiancé’s house to tell him about her day, a woman had answered the phone. Her fiancé came on the phone before she could say anything to the strange woman. He admitted to her that he had cheated on her with two different women, he wasn’t sure that he actually wanted to got through with the marriage and couldn’t they just be friends until he knew if he wanted to tie himself down? She hung up the phone without saying another word.
The realization that her life was falling apart washed over her slowly.
She put the half-eaten cake on the coffee table and glanced at the clock. Three minutes ‘till midnight and it was still raining. She was tired. She nestled herself into the corner of the couch with a blanket and a pillow. And then she slept.
She stirred slightly. Had she just heard someone say her name? She snuggled deeper into the couch.
“Hey, Yo, get up.”
Slowly, fearfully, she opened her eyes.
Two men stood before her. She was sure she had never seen them before, but there was a certain sense of familiarity about them. They were both very dashing and handsome with smooth tan skin and brilliant pearly whit smiles. The one man was wearing black jeans and a red turtleneck. He had beautiful wavy dark hair and his skin was also much darker than the other man. And he was eating the remainder of her Devil’s food cake! He saw her eye the cake in astonishment. He grinned and held up a forkful of the rich dessert. “This is good!” Did you make it?” She stared at him without answering. He shrugged and popped another bite into his mouth and washed it down with the glass of milk.
Slightly taller, the other man was wearing tan slacks and a white turtleneck and he had light blond/brown hair. The turtleneck was so clean; it fairly shone, as did his hair. The two men were so different, yet it appeared as if they could have been related.
Wha…what?” was all she could manage.
The man in white opened his mouth as of to speak, but the dark-haired man beat him to it. “We’re here for the party.”
“Party? I’m sorry; you must have the wrong floor. I think you’re looking for my neighbor above me.”
Dark Man turned to Light Man with a smirk on his attractive face while he continued to munch on her cake. But Light Man looked at her confidently with his winsome smile. “I am where I am supposed to be.”
She began to get angry. “I am not having a party. Now get out of my apartment or I’ll call the police!”
The Dark Man laughed callously. “Oh, you were having a party all right! Are we too late for the pity party?”
She sat there, looking from one face to another. This was just insane. “What are talking about?”
“Oh, come on! We saw you moping on your way home, and we followed you here. I just love pity parties!” Dark Man offered.
“Well, I…I just…humph! If you knew all that has happened to me in the past 24 hours, you would understand why I feel so bad!”
“I understand,” the Light Man said softly.
“But you don’t even know what happened to me,” she pointed out. “Unless…have you two been following me all day?!”
Dark Man placed the cake on the coffee table. Then he sat next to her on the arm of the couch, and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Look, you have every right to be upset! I mean, after what your fiancé did to you, I’m sure you feel like murdering someone. That’s natural. And after everything else that’s happened, it’s understandable, even expected. You want revenge. That’s cool. Let’s think here…you, if I was you, I’d hit him where it hurts. What does he love more than women and money? His Yamaha crotch rocket! Maybe you should just rough it up a bit, to remind him not to mess with your heart again, ya know? Just stick with me kiddo and your life will be full again.”
She hung on his words, nodding every while. Yeah, that’s exactly what she felt like! She wanted revenge! She wanted to hurt him like he had hurt her.
Something made her look up.
The other man was looking at her rather strangely. Sadness and compassion shined in his eyes. His lips were drawn together in a tight line as if…well, like he was upset. While both men were quite handsome, this man was beautiful. What was it? Purity? Honesty? Love? All three? She felt quite dirty and ugly compared to him. She was ashamed.
Shrugging off the Dark man’s hand, she looked at the Light Man. But for some reason, she couldn’t look him directly in the eye. “Who are you?” she asked in a small voice.
“I am,” the Light Man responded.
I am…what?” the Dark Man sneered. “Can’t you even finish your sentence?” He turned to her. “Look, don’t bother with this guy, he’s just going to try to persuade you to be nice and forgive everyone and be happy…”
She stood to look the Light Man in the eye this time, totally ignoring the Dark man. “Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?”
“Your life was full.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Because I was living a full life? That’s a bad thing?”
“You were too full.”
“How is possible to be too full?” she questioned, tears glistening in her eyes. “I was happy!”
You were too full. There was no room for me. Your ‘full’ life fell apart without me. And now you’re empty. You don’t need to be full to be happy and joyful. You need to be fulfilled.” H stretched forth his hand. “Follow me and your purpose will be fulfilled. Follow me and you don’t have to me Mara. You can be Naomi.”
“That’s it!” The Dark Man shoved her onto the couch and came within inches of the Light Man’s face. He pointed a crooked finger at his nose. “She’s my slave! Don’t you go trying to convert her! “Then he shoved him.
The Light Man wavered, but didn’t lose his balance. “The choice is hers.” He said softly, but firmly. “To be full or to be fulfilled.”
The Dark Man sprang forth in anger, his face suddenly turning a horrible shade of red. The Light Man stepped out of the way, untouched. The Dark Man regained his balance and screamed with rage. He looked at her.
She gasped. He was no longer the handsome, dashing young man who spoke to her of revenge. He was nearly demonic now.
She quickly glanced at the Light Man, but had to shut her eyes. He was too bright and beautiful to look at!
The Dark Man screamed once more. Her blood ran cold. She kept her eyelids closed tightly. Wait! Was that singing she heard now? It mingled with the Dark Man’s terrible screams. Her closed eyes could sense the room getting lighter. Though she desperately wanted to open her eyes to see what was going on, she was too afraid. She buried her head in her arms, trying to escape the brightening light and the crescendo of singing and screaming. “Stop! Please, stop! Make it stop! Go away! Stop! Please…”
She woke in a cold sweat, shaking violently. She was still sitting, huddled in the corner of her couch. She glanced at the clock. It was two minutes ‘till midnight, but the rain had stopped. She was alone.
“The choice is yours…” a voice echoed in her little apartment.
The solitary figure on the blue and green plaid, hand-me-down couch, folded her hands together and prayed, for the first time in a long time.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.