TITLE: I Wanted To Die, But God Said No
By Felisa Walton
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"I Wanted To Die, but God Said No"
With each major disappointment another bite was taken out of my insides, the insides that were withering away. Disappointments, I knew we all have them but the ones I had caused me to turn my outside distractions inward.
Tormenting myself was done on a regular basis .I would talk to myself; saying girl "It wasn't all that bad" or "You aren't perfect". Nothing that you could have done warrants the blame, and guilt that you are putting on yourself.
After many failed attempts at trying to turn my ordeal around. It never happened, because I didn't really believe in me. Due to the distorted thoughts that ran rapid in my mind.
I would continually play and replay the situations over and over in my mind as if it had just happened. I never allowed any positive information to gain entry and if by chance any information tried to gain entry it would be abruptly dismissed.
Making matters even worse, I had been out of work for over a year now; my family and friends were almost none existing. I felt I had no worth to any one let alone me.
My whole thought process only could see, and feel things that were negative. This in turn caused me pain, isolation and depression.
Did I want to die? But sometimes things happen in our lives that prevent us from moving forward causing a quick sand effect, slowing sucking the life out of us.
I followed through with those distorted thoughts and I swallowed a handful of aspirin thinking I could take the pain away, not thinking that I could really die.
After waking up in a hospital alive, I realized one important thing. God's love for me out weighed all the tons of mess I thought was drowning me.
God said NO! I will live and not die. God told me that I am his child and he would not put more on me than I could bear.
In spite of with I thought was best for me, God knows what is best for me. He knows me inside and out. He created me with the good and bad.
At that point, I believe now that it's just what goes along with living and life and it includes distractions, disappointment, heartache and pain.
When they do occur, call on Jesus; he will bring you through. He did it for me; he can do it for you.
God not only willed me back to life but gave a new job to start over. God said no to death and “Yes” to life.
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