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TITLE: Ventriloquist Act: Truth and Opinions
By Jacob Gibson
12/10/09
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At my old school, Lighthouse Academy, the high school students compete at an Illinois college campus during spring break once a year, in events like basketball, track, checkers and chess, ping-pong, drama, sketching, singing, and lots more. One of the newer events is ventriloquism, and someone from school did that. Somehow, I got an idea out of the blue for a ventriliquist act, and had to write it down. (It's funny because I wasn't even thinking about making one and don't often make skits or write for children)

This is a performance aimed for young kids and can be adjusted for older ages. You can add to or subtract from or change whatever you want if you'd like to make it easier to memorize or keep the attention of the audience. If you don't like the lesson then feel free to at least use my corny jokes. :) The humor will also depend on how the dummy talks and moves of course. A lesson on how to know what is true and showing kindness to others. Since I'm totally new at this, I'd love to hear any advice you have.
"Hi, kids. My name is (name) and this is--"

Dummy: "Stop! Hold on a second."

"What?"

Dummy: "You always begin the performances. It's my turn to do it."

"Well I just thought that since you talk the most anyways--"

Dummy: "That's irrelevant. Fair is fair."

"Go ahead."

Dummy: *clears throat* Hello out there, you fine looking people and welcome to the (dummy's name) and (actor's name) show. Where (actor) tries to sound intelligent and I help you see that he's not."

"Hey now! That's not true! Now you see why I don't let you introduce the show."

Dummy: "Because I make you look bad."

"You make yourself look bad, not me. The more you talk the easier it is to hurt your reputation."

Dummy: "Uh-huh. Hey, I have a question. Why is it that you have a microphone and I don't, yet everyone can still hear me when I talk?" (if there is no mike, change this somehow or just drop this part)

"I don't know. I guess I never noticed. Maybe you project well."

Dummy: "I want to try an experiment. Lean away from the mike and let me see if people can still hear me."

"Okay. Now?"

Dummy: "Yeah."

*ventriloquist leans away and dummy moves its mouth several times with no words coming out. It moves around frantically while it moves its mouth, but still nothing happens. It motions for the performer to lean back.*

Dummy: "See?! What makes that happen? I don't get it."

"I honestly don't know."

Dummy: "Wait, give me the microphone and lean away. Maybe that will work."

"Okay." *moves the microphone in front of dummy's mouth and leans away. Dummy tries again with the same results and becomes more frustrated. Ventriloquist moves back."

Dummy: "Still nothing! I know you're hiding something from me and I'm going to find out!"

"Uh, I'm sure I don't know how that happens. Hey, aren't these some fine looking kids?"

Dummy: "Yeah, much better looking than the last ones we saw."

"(Name), that's not true! Don't say that."

Dummy: "We both know it's true! Remember? The boy with snot running down his face? The girl with cross eyes? The short, fat kid with the big nose? The tall, skinny kid with the long nose? The short, skinny kid with huge glasses? The tall, fat kid with big ears? The girl with spaghetti sauce on her face? The--"

"Yes! Yes! I remember all of that. But (name), they didn't look worse, that's just your opinion."

Dummy: "Yes, and my opinions are always right! I have yet to find someone to disprove me."

"No, opinions are just opinions and truth is truth. Those kids looked just as good as these. What about yourself? You're made of (blank) and only (blank) inches tall."

Dummy: "I'm not short, you're all just way too big! My family looks just like me. It's all a matter of perspective."

"If you say so. Anyway, would you like to know how you can know what is and isn't true?"

Dummy: "Are you talking to me or the kids? Because we both know that I don't have a choice."

"I guess I'm talking to whoever will listen to me."

Dummy: "Too bad your mom isn't here because no one else is gonna listen."

"Yeah. We'll see about that. As I was saying, there are ways to know what is true and what isn't. First--"

Dummy: "You can ask me and I'll tell you."

"NO! I mean... not always. The first thing we can do is ask our parents or other adults we trust about any questions we have. They're not always right but they often know the answer since they've lived much longer than us and have more life experiences. They were all young like us once."

Dummy: "You can expect the answer to usually be 'no' or 'because I said so' or 'because you'll shoot your eye out.' I told my mom I couldn't shoot my eye out with a bicycle but she still wouldn't let me have one."

"The second thing we can do is listen to our conscience. If we feel bad about something we did, or feel like we should do something, it's important to listen to it and think about doing what it says."

Dummy: "My conscious is saying I should quit this job and find something better to do. I'm thinking... counseling for dummies with boring partners."

"Good luck with that."

Dummy: "And I also want to warn women not to date ventriloquists, because they can be very manipulative."

"If you do that your career will end sooner than you think. The third thing we can do is read the Bible. It has a lot of great advice we can still use today."

Dummy: "Oh no! Not that! The Bible is sooooooo bor-ing!"

"No it's not! It's a fascinating book."

Dummy: "If you're stuck in a room listening to you anything else is fascinating."

"You just have to know where to read. There's plenty of great stories with battles, romance, miracles, and escaping death. The book of Proverbs has excellent wisdom that all people should know. And in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John--"

Dummy: "Luke, I am your father! Tell me where your three brothers are hiding!"

"Stop interrupting, please. In Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John we can hear the words of Jesus who also had many wise things to say, such as forgiving your enemies, helping the poor and weak, and having faith in God. And we can also learn from the mistakes and victories of the people in the Bible. They were just like us."

Dummy: "I feel like I should interrupt again but I have nothing to say this time."

"Thank you for interrupting anyway. The fourth thing is to pray for God to help us know what to do. Just talk to Him like your best friend and tell Him everything because He cares about you and understands how you feel."

Dummy: "He'll say 'Talk to (dummy) because he always knows!'"

"I'm going to ignore that. So what do you think about all of this?"

Dummy: "Well... uh... I think you could be somewhat... ruh... ruhhhh... ruhhhhhhhhhh..."

"Yes?"

Dummy: "I think you could be...... the opposite of wrong."

"Thank you. I'm flattered to hear you say that."

Dummy: "But why can't everyone be right about some things? It doesn't seem fair that some are right while others are wrong."

"That's just the way life is. If I say north is this way and you say north is that way, one of us has to be wrong. And if you say 2 + 2 = 4, and I say it equals 20, then I would be wrong."

Dummy: "Well, not if you have two bunnies and they have 18 more bunnies. And the 20 bunnies each have 5 bunnies so there's a hundred bunnies!"

"You're correct in one sense, but do you see what I'm saying?"

Dummy: "Yes I do. 100 bunnies go to the north pole to meet Santa Claus and save Christmas! That would make a great story. Wait, how do I know that anything is true? What if there is no truth?! Gaaaaaaaah!!"

"If there is no truth then what you just said couldn't be true, therefore your statement is incorrect."

Dummy: *looks confused* "Uh... give me a second to think about that."

"It means that if nothing is true, then saying nothing is true would in itself be wrong."

Dummy: "I still don't get it, but that's fine. I'm a dummy. I don't need to know everything."

"Exactly! All you need to know is what God thinks about you and what He wants you to do. You don't have to be the smartest peron around to know what's most important."

Dummy: "Is that true or just your opinion?"

"You could ask some older people, and ask God, and read the Bible."

Dummy: "Or listen to my conscious. Right. It's telling me that I shouldn't make fun of other people, even if they're not in the room when I make fun of them."

"That's very wise, (name). You've learned a lot. Do you have any other opinions that you want to talk about?"

Dummy: "How about I'm hungry and want something to eat?"

"For once I agree with you. Let's go. I feel like Taco John's."

Dummy: "Taco John's? No way! I say Taco Bell."

"They're almost the same aren't they? Does it matter?"

Dummy: "Of course it matters! Because they're not the same!" *continue agruing*

----------
If you're interested in hearing a great Christian ventriloquist, check out Taylor Mason on Thou Shalt Laugh 1,2, or 3, and also on Bananas Comedy. (My favorite performance of his is on Thou Shalt Laugh 2 where he plays the piano like a master, makes a phone call to God, and pokes fun at the same guy repeatedly)
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