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TITLE: If Only
By Nadine Riggs
10/25/09
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I wrote this piece about six months after my mother died, we did not have a good relationship due to abuse until about 3 months before her death when she accepted Jesus as her Savior, so we had only a short time to cram in a lifetime of living. But the memories are like movie trailors they give you only a brief taste of what you do remember as happy moments. The best memories I have are of her laughter because when she really let herself go she giggled until she almost wet her pants.
If only I could talk with you one more time, what would I say? The words would come so fast that my mouth could never hope to keep up with what my heart wants you to hear. There’s so much locked up within me that I have never said. And the hurt overshadows my every day since you departed. Oh, if only, but it will never come so the words stay locked within, and the pain grows with each passing day when I say, “If only…”

If only my eyes could look upon your face one more time. They would stare at you forever taking note of your every feature to lock it away within the recesses of my mind and protect the memories forever. Like a camera I would record each expression so that when I missed you I could call upon my memories to sustain me until we meet again. The memory of your smile, your laughter and yes, even your tears, would be embedded in my mind forever. If only I could see you.

If only I could touch you one more time my arms would reach out to you, and never let you go again. My arms yearn to reach out and hold you tightly against me, just to feel your loving warmth and to be comforted within your loving embrace. But each time I reach out, it is only empty space that I find, for you are no longer here to hold. Oh if only, but it will never come.

If only I could speak with you, to say, “I love you Mom.” If only I could see you, hold you, but that will never come. And each day I wonder if you know how I feel? “Mom, do you know?” But that answer will never come until God also calls me home. Save a place right by your side, Mom, because I could not bear to go on repeating those same two words throughout eternity…”If only.” And at your side I will stand to hear your words, to see your face, and to be held within your warm embrace. So it is not “If only,” that I need to say, but “Until we meet again.” Remember I will always love you. Your loving child.
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