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TITLE: Sin Creature
By Crystal Dueck
05/02/09
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I'm writing this short story for a contest themed "Kingdom of God." I have a story in mind, but I am limited to 750 words. Please read my brainstorm notes and then read my actual piece, and tell me if I'm being effective with the small amount of words I was able to use. Here are my brainstorming notes:

Psalm 40… "I waited patiently for the Lord. Then he heard my cry and delivered me out of the pit. Many people saw, and now they trust you and praise you as a result."

STORY: I move to a place in a backwoods junky mobile home place.
I live in a tiny old house adjacent to some other neighbours.
There is a pit in which lives a creature that the neighbours are terrified of.
The neighbours want ME to remove the creature, believing that it will fear me.
They show me the creature, and I can’t see it. It’s invisible.
I ask God to open my eyes to see what the neighbors are seeing.
When the creature makes eye contact with the people they are hypnotized, and the creature comes up to them and licks their heart.
I am horrified by this and try commanding it to leave them alone. It looks at me as though having no idea what I said. Neighbours shake heads saying it will leave in its own good time.
When the creature leaves, I go in prayer about how to rid the people of this terrible thing.
When people share the secret of when it began haunting them, I lead them through a repentance time.
I instruct them of the power and authority they now have in God, and that they must use it against the creature.
They do, and they win against the creature.
Rain causes a pool of cleansing water to be where the pit once was.
BANG BANG BANG. The sound of pounding on my house trailer door awakened me. I groaned when I saw it was only three in the morning. “What?” I called.

“Crystal! Crystal!” My door swung open, and Katie appeared. “Come quick! It’s out again!”

I jerked upright. Slipping on my shoes and throwing my blanket around me, I rushed outside with Katie. “Don’t worry Katie. I’m going to take care of this creature.”

Katie nodded. I followed her to the back of the house, to the mouth of the pit that apparently had been dug by this creature itself. I had been called on emergency to this village yesterday, with a plea to be rescued from some kind of mysterious, terrible creature that tormented the people every night. I had not seen it yet, and Katie’s description of it seemed somewhat absurd. But this was my duty, and I would get to the bottom of it.

I was surprised to see all the villagers standing around the dreadful creature’s pit, especially when I found no creature among the people. Terror was written on every face, however, and one old man stood in a way that looked as though he had a bolt of electricity jolting through him. All eyes were trained on him.

Katie clung to my skirt. “Do you see it?”

I shook my head. I had been told that this creature was thought to be a spiritual manifestation, so it occurred to me that I ought to ask the Holy Spirit for my eyes to be opened. Holy Spirit, please open my eyes. I paused, then added, And let me not be overcome with fear when I do see it.

And then I saw it. A hideous black creature that looked like a cross between a dragon and a monkey was standing up on that electrified man, licking the area over his heart. Then it dropped down on all fours and clambered over to Katie. She screamed, but became silent as it made eye contact with her.

“Stop! In Jesus name leave her alone!” I cried out. But I was shocked when it did not respond to my command. What do I do? I prayed desperately.

“It’ll stop whenever it pleases,” an old woman said. “Always does.”

At last the creature crawled back into its pit. The spell broken, everyone sighed in relief.

Why did it not stop? What is this thing? I was not about to let this continue another night.

Then God spoke to me. Crystal, this creature is the embodiment of sin. Many years ago, the villagers committed a sin that has woven itself into a dreadful creature that now comes to haunt them every single night. Only repentance will release them from its grip.

In as simple words as possible, I explained to Katie and her people that Jesus had died for their sins. They had only to repent and believe in Jesus’ power, and they would be relieved of that creature of sin.

Solemnly, they confessed their deed that they had done long ago, and accepted Jesus sacrifice for them. Smiles began shining in their eyes as the joy of the Holy Spirit filled their hearts.

“Now you have authority to kill that sinful thing!” I exclaimed.

With joy in their faces and confidence in their hearts, they marched back toward the cave. This time, they did not return to be tormented. They came to overcome their sin together.

“Come out from your hiding place!” they called.

Confused and fearful, the sin creature crept up with its tail between its grimy legs.

“We’re done with you!” The old man threw a stone at it.

“Can’t torment us any longer!” An elderly lady hammered it with her broomstick.

“Our sins are forgiven us!” A young man shouted as he kicked the writhing creature.

The sin creature groaned and tried crawling again toward Katie.

“In Jesus’ name, LEAVE!” She shouted firmly, pointing to the pit. “And don’t EVER come back!”

Groaning and sighing, the sin creature slipped into its pit, unconscious and beaten. The pit closed up, swallowing the village’s sin forever.

The people erupted in cheers and shouts of joy. “We’re free!”

That night, a heavy rain began falling. In this rain, the villagers stood with open arms, letting the grime wash off their clothes, off their skin. No more stains of sin were left on any of them.

That was a year ago. Since that rain, a large pool of cleansing water lies over the area where the pit used to be. Yes, the villagers are still human and make mistakes, but now each time they do, they bathe in the water of remembrance and ask the Lord for forgiveness.
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