TITLE: I Never Knew Why?
By Felisa Walton
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“I Never Knew Why?”
Mother Day has just been celebrated and it has reopened memories of my mother. Our relationship wasn't the greatest. I harbored resentment and bitterness toward her because she had a major drinking problem.
I remembered as a young child and throughout my adulthood the many fights and arguments with my father and us kids that occurred due to her addiction. Which heighten my bitterness and resentment toward her; because of her addiction it affected me in an aggressive manner. I turned cold and angry inside. I would lash out at others because I did not now how to deal with the issue. My actions caused my siblings not to want to be around me.
Many of occasions that should have been happy ones were ruined by her drinking. I have very few good memories of growing up in our home. There was little love expressed. I do not remember much affection expressed to me from her.
Because of the experience of her abusing alcohol, I vowed to never drink alcohol because I knew firsthand the destruction it causes to the person and others around them.
I fought to try to resolve the memories that haunted me. With no result, I became depressed and isolation consumed me. I turned not to alcohol but cocaine and abused prescription drugs and attempts at suicide in effort to numb the devastating pain.
Even though my feelings regarding my mother were not resolved, I took care of her during her battle with cancer. It was I that took her to appointments, I cooked for her. I gave her medication to spite having other siblings that gave little to no help.
She eventually lost the battle and passed away. After her passing, I wondered what was the reason she drank so much, it had to be some reason for the pain that she couldn't handle, and drinking was her way.
As I struggle with my addiction, I try to put myself in my mother place. We both had pain that was never resolved. My mother died without me knowing what was going on inside of her. Because of my bitterness and resentment toward her my heart wouldn't let me ask due to my anger.
I regret now that I never knew why? I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. Forgiveness for my mother was the answer that keeps me going. I only wish I had another chance to do it all over.
I love you, mother.
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