By Felisa Walton
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"God Did Not Turn His Back On Me"
I struggled to walk to the bathroom which was only a few feet from the bed that was keeping me hostage with each breath I took I thought it would be my last. I turned the light on and was frightened of the reflection that starred back at me. My face was so thin that the bones could be seen, my hair had fallen out and I was nearly bald. I was starving in my home alone. I just knew this had to be a dream. I was literally pinching myself waiting to be awakened at anytime. What had happened so quickly and so fast to me.
I came from a dysfunctional family where my mother was an alcoholic which affected me in a number of negative ways there was always fighting between my mother and father. I was the only child out of four that got out of my bed to place my thin body in between them. There was always cursing and screaming which was an common occurrence throughout my life.
I knew of God at an early age and I was saved.Even though my childhood was not unhappy for me I found happiness in going to church with my mother, sister and my brothers. I knew who God was and how he could help when I struggled with lives problems all I had to do was trust and believe in him.
As I moved through life I did manage to acquire a professional career helping people but on the other side interacting in relationships was very difficult for me. It did not matter who the relationship was with it was always hard for me to have a healthy one. I was stressed a lot. I was at times a ticking bomb waiting to explode because I did not know to handle the ups and downs in any type of relationship or stress that was dealt me. Looking back over my life I had made it through it all before but nothing could have prepared me for this fight of my life.
My nightmare started when I was had a laproscopic removal of my gallbladder. I was told that it would be a simple procedure because I would not have the large scar and my stay in the hospital would be limited but that was not my story. I experienced every complication that could have happen and it did to me fromhaving special intravenously lines inserted because I had thin veins, drains that were placed inside and outside my body. I suffered extreme physical pain on a daily basis.
God's word never left me even in my during the difficult times verses in the bible would come to me in in the bible 1 Corinthians 10:13 says:" He will not let me be tempted more than I could bear" but when my family that consisted of my daughter and my granddaughter and my sister visits decreased and the few friends I did have were being pushed away by me. I was in a bad place. I was depressed which was very familiar to me.I had not mastered dealing with depression in my past.. God's word at this time ; I could not allow entry of his word in my already messed up mind.
I was finally discharged after having to be readmitted a second time for another complication. I thought my stay was bad in the hospital but being at home alone almost became lethal for me.My daughter and granddaughter was at home with me for a while but they ended up leaving a week later and while she was there she was no help or support to me. I was in denial about my relationship with her thinking that me being sick would change our already strained relationship. I did have to take some blame regarding our relationship in my mind I had not been the best mother.
The nightmare did not stop with my daughter. My sister ( the only one I have) showed up at my home; delusional thinking on my part thought she was coming to help. She came in to my home and verbally cursed me out and she told me "If you think I am turning my back on you. I am letting you know now I am!" and she slammed my door.
After those encounters with my family occurred. I felt I had no family at this point they could have cared less if I was dead. They would never have known because there was no contact through phone or coming over to my house. My spirit was devasted not to mention my recovery which was progressing very slowing. I could not even at this point eat solid food the very best I could do was force water and Gatorade down. I knew working in the medical field the only way I would get stronger was I had to put something in my stomach., I had experienced nausea since I came home from the hospital but it had gotten worse. I could not sleep because I really thought if I did;I was going to die and I did not want to die in my home alone.
I was haunted by my sister viscous remarks that she was turning her back on me. It was then I was suddenly reminded again of God's word In Isaiah 49:23 "I am the Lord, those who hope in me will not be disappointed" which assured me that in order for me to live I had to trust God and not people . I had a hope shot . I knew God would not turn his back on me. I knew he loved me so much more than I loved my self.
God had already started working for my good which I could not see during my turmoil. He had been sending a friend who visited me in the hospital. The visits continued after I came home even though I would pushed him several times. It was something about his spirit that I could talk to him and no feel like he would repeat to anyone. He would listen he would sit with me. It was weird because I knew him but not in this way. I knew it was God.
Once I had emptied to him all the nastiness, resentments, pain and anger I had endure I had held on to for years was given to the angel God has sent to help me. I knew then I was ready for God himself. I told my friend that he could leave now that I was going to alright. It was God's time and I knew I had to do this on my own
When he saved me at a early age. God left me a comforter which is his holy spirit.When I welcomed that holy spirit in I felt his presence then I was able to reconnect with my God and my healing began.I knew that many I had turned my back on God but he was with me all the time.
I am now getting stronger every day. I am eating solid foods but in small frequent meals, driving my car to church, going to meetings, and getting back to living . I pray daily, read my bible and praise God through gospel music.He continues on a daily basis to breath life into me. I am alive today because God did not turn his back on me. I know now that this experience did not happen on accident or coincide .It was planned to remind me that trails I will have . I can make it through not alone but with God.
I knew also that my experience was not just for me to hold on to but to share with others of his grace and mercy. God is good all the time and he only wants us to be happy.
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