TITLE: Contemplating Suicide
By Dwayne Collins
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Written by: Olafemi
As I sat down on the edge of the sofa, my head begin a throbbing pain that exceeded the hurt from a migraine. I headed for the medicine cabinet and reached for the aspirin and I placed two pills in my hand and received them to relieve me. My head was so full of pain as I proceeded to my bedroom to lie down.
As I relaxed on the bed my mind drifted into a strange place of living. I could see that things were not going as planed so I opened my eyes and tried to bare the continuous pain but I couldn’t. Once again I returned to the medicine cabinet. I searched for anything that would calm my tension. My head just would not be eased of this powerful throbbing.
My LORD, I cried out as I tried to think of where this pain came from. I tried to remember where I first encountered this pain. Two hours in the past I went back. I remember looking at the news and hearing about a boy who was killed because he was too young to drive. He led the police on a high-speed chase and ended up at the bottom of a ditch. In the car was a letter saying I am contemplating suicide.
The letter was extremely long and as the police officer began reading the letter to its’ entirety, I reared back on my sofa and listened with my eyes full of tears. I felt really bad because the words I heard were the words of many teen-age children trying to find their way into a world that has given up on them. Life is hard but when you open your heart and actually listen to the cries of a child searching for adulthood, you realize just how really hard life is.
The letter read, yesterday I just learned how to read my letters. These same letters I learned how to put together and make the words that I could speak to other people. As I learned more and more letters I grew larger and larger in stature. My body grew up so fast, I couldn’t believe that I was a man with the mind of a little boy but I was.
My teachers knew that I was a fast learner and they knew that I caught on really fast absorbing every bit of knowledge. I couldn’t understand why there were restrictions on the things I were permitted to do, when I knew how to do everything.
I knew about the birds and the bees. I knew the difference between right and wrong but I couldn’t make myself to believe that life would change itself even though life continued to be the same. The trees brought forth leaves once a year after they fell to the ground. The rain came from the clouds and the sun would shine even when it was covered by darkness. The snow melted after bringing cold to a long hot summer. I knew that I could drive a car but I didn’t qualify for a driver’s license, I was too young.
As the day continued to bring forth knowledge my mind continued to soak it in like water in a sponge. I learned about drugs and the affects of alcohol on the minds of tragedy. I learned how to defend myself against unwanted people. I knew how the education of others could be crucial to the well being of my development. I learned how to shut out all the things that would mean my happiness being jeopardized.
So the opportunity came along and I was again denied the right to drive. But all the right signs were in front of me and I just could not pass them up. So I grabbed the keys and off I went. As I drove pass the class of murder, I begin to get nervous and my body begin to shake. The day was coming to an end and I learned how to shut down my mind to reality. My teachers were the best and they showed me how to concentrate on just one object in a room of thirty and I could do this very well and I continued to drive.
Nobody knew that I had considered suicide because I learned how to push aside all of my feelings. I could look directly into your eyes and you wouldn’t know how sad I was. You would not see the loneliness or the guilt I felt after every class of sexual immorality I attended. I didn’t know whether to feel love for boys or girls and I did truly love them both. I was scared but fear was just another emotion that I was taught to hide inside of me. I wanted to stop the car but my foot just made me go faster and faster until the police were behind me.
I saw them coming and as they came closer I had to distance myself. So I remembered the class I took on obedience and I knew how my teachers showed me how to be able to disobey the rules because they only applied to some and not all. Killing was all right. Stealing was fine. Every rule made to be obeyed was also made to be broken. We could disobey everything if we could make up excuses or alibis for our disobedience.
The siren blasted in my eardrums and I plowed down on the accelerator pedal. I was going so fast, I saw the sun fall from the sky and it was nighttime. I climbed up the mountain at over 100 miles an hour. Letters and numbers of my education rushed pass me so even as the car was going faster my knowledge was going faster. I knew all the things that would make me an adult but I was still restricted to become older. All the things that made me a child were overwhelmed by the things that made me appear to be an adult.
I didn’t know what to do. I was too young to drive but I was too old to be among children my age. I had a man’s body and a child’s mind. All that things I knew were not enough to know how to make a living. I was sent out into a world that never slowed down to show me how to cope with not knowing enough to survive but knowing too much to go on not knowing. So I drove off the edge of the mountain and as I was in the air, I contemplated suicide. I wanted to die. Life was just too much for me to take in, in just one day.
I was a little bit enlightened by the letter and as I moved away from the medicine cabinet, I began to understand the meaning for my head hurting so badly. It was the fact of a child not being given the opportunity to LIVE. So many of us are blessed with children and have no idea what it is that will make them be better adults, so they grow up so fast not being equipped properly for a world that stops for no-one. I can’t stop to teach every child how to grow up utilizing every minute in a positive manner but I can stop the pain of me caring.
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