…the darkness is my closest friend.
Black, soft as moss.
This place is a fortress of ink, eyes are useless.
Abandoned by God.
Yes, that’s it, has to be.
A loving God, the One we know, couldn’t have done this,
wouldn’t have “allowed” this.
I’m trapped, unable to pray.
The shock of the news
has knocked the faith right out of me
and I exist only—-
no thinking, no feeling, no sensations.
No is the word of the moment.
No! It can’t be.
No! Not that.
No! Why me, why us?
No! I can’t stand it, I can’t go on.
Thoughts and feelings trying to inch their way back in
are firmly blocked.
So I can remain in the ebony numbness,
where it’s safer.
Is anywhere really safe, though?
It seems not.
Does God offer protective care to His own?
Not always, not for me.
Flee the painful thinking and dive
back down into the maelstrom, rinse and repeat.
This lean toward agnosticism shocks me anew.
I don’t acknowledge that God exists, and powerfully?
Really? After a lifetime of firmly rooted belief,
I fall away this quickly? In a moment?
If not, then I can foresee a long road ahead.
I must accept. I must forgive.
My heart heaves.
Oh, Father, I can’t!
Not without Your help, anyway.
Or…is that road too rocky?
Shall I remain nestled,
residing in this treasureless chest, buried in a cave,
at the bottom of the ocean of despair?
What a choice. Must I make it now, so quickly?
My life only just crashed, three breaths ago.
All my remaining faith amounts to half a molecule—-
can I, still blind, stir and reach toward
That faintest of a flicker
more a promise of vision than a sight
and grasp the only thing I truly need…
Yes, I can, and then I do.
And the hateful, clingy darkness subsides.
Light, modest at first, then geometrically brightening
Fills me from within, and
I know whom I have believed.
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