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Is there gonna be constipation up in Heaven?
by Julie Michaelson
06/06/09
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What we will be
has not yet
been made known.
But we know
that when
He appears,
we shall be
like Him.
[1 John 3:2]
***********************
"I heard we
were gonna have
new bodies,
up in Heaven,
Lord."

[PATIENT VOICE.]
"Read My Word,
child."

"I'm TIRED,
LORD!"
(Kvetchy face up at air vent.)
"I've had a LONG DAY!"

[NOD.]

"SO?"

"So what,
Mein kinder."

"ARE WE?"
(Cranky squint.)
"Or,
are we NOT?"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"Aw,
come ON.
Can't Ya just
TELL ME?"

[PATIENT GAZE.]

(Thoughtful squint.)
"My question is.....
does it have ta' be
the SAME BODY?"

[SMILE.]

"ECH!"
(Gaze up at ceiling fan.)
"Can't I get.....
like,
a totally different
NEW ONE?"

[PATIENT GAZE.]
[WATCH THE FULL
MOON SHINE OVER
SOUTH TEXAS*.]

"Like.......
look just like,
Nicole KIDMAN?
Or......
the girl who played
'ROSE'?
Ya know: the one
in the 'TITANIC'?"

[PATIENT SIGH.]

"You know who
I'm TALKIN' about....
that real PRETTY girl?"

[GENTLY KISS TOP
OF SCRUFFY HEAD
OF WHINY CHILD.]

"I forget her NAME?"

[PATIENT FROWN.]
[NOD.]
"What does
My Word say,
child."

(Clueless squint.)
"About.....HER?
I don't think
'Titanic' had been
invented yet,
LORD."

[PATIENT SIGH.]
[LISTEN TO SOME
PEOPLE ARGUING,
ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE ATLANTIC,
ABOUT THE EXISTENCE
OF GOD.]

"I forget what my
question was, Lord."
(Spoon some Chef Boyardee
Overstuffed Ravioli.)
(Thoughtful silence.)
"Oh, yeah;
what about our
CONSTIPATION?"

[CHUCKLE.]
"What about it,
Mein kinder."

"Are we still gonna
have THAT,
UP THERE?"

[LONG SUFFERING
GAZE.]

"I don't think that's
IN the Bible,
LORD."

"Look,
My precious."

"Uh, uh;
I'm too tired."
(Smile!)
"I'll just ask one'a
my Christian friends;
they oughta KNOW."

[NOD.]

"How about....
Debra MESSING**?
Can I look like HER?
Isn't she JEWISH,
TOO?"

[HEAVY SIGH.]
"Oy vey."

(Silence.)

[SILENCE.]

(Shout up at ceiling.)
"KATE WINSLET!
It was KATE WINSLET!"

[CHUCKLE.]
***********************
Stop drinking
only water
and use
a little wine
because of your stomach
and your frequent
illnesses.
[1 Timothy 5:23]


____________________
*Author isn't sure
if there's a full moon,
everywhere, tonight.
She only got a C- in
'Science for Non Majors'
at Penn State. She
purposely took it during
the summer semester,
so that it would be shorter.
It was a very long
semester.
**Wonderful lady comedian,
from 'Will and Grace'.


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