Testimonies
I’M GOD’S WORK IN PROGRESS
How God Has Saved Me From a Life of Drugs & Suicidal Depression
There I was. An empty 200 count bottle of Tylenol PM sat on my kitchen counter along with other pill bottles. I searched my near empty house for every thing I could find to swallow. I had really done it. No tears. No emotion. Oh, I’d better write a note, a suicide note. So I did. I wrote that I was sorry, but that I thought everyone else was better off with me dead and that I wanted my life insurance money to go to the church building fund after my funeral expenses. I don’t remember what else was written. My mom still has the note to this day, I think.
After the note, I remember very little. I felt a little sick but couldn’t vomit. I was woozy and stumbled into the bathroom door. Then I was talking on the phone to my friend Scott but the “PM” part of the pill mix made me talk about weird stuff and that’s the last thing I remember until waking up four days later in the ICU after what should have been a lethal dose of pills.
So how did a Christian guy, raised in a Christian home, voted most likely to succeed in high school, highly successful in his career at a young age and loved by everyone end up nearly taking his own life? It was the biggest question for everyone who knew me. No one suspected that there was this kind of trouble. No one in my family would have dreamed that I, being the “perfect child”, would sink so fast. Yet I did. This is my story and what I hope for readers is to gain some understanding for those who suffer from depression, anxiety and other mental disorders.
Unfortunately, the road to understanding for me has come about slowly and much later than when the symptoms first started appearing. However, here were signs that I wish I, or someone else, would have noticed so that I could have gotten help ahead of time. However, I tend to have to learn the hard way and now I have more insight and understanding for those who have similar experiences to mine.
Looking back, I always felt different from everyone else. A little estranged. I was probably depressed somewhat in my late childhood and early adolescent period. It could have been from a chemical imbalance, a genetic predisposition, or from a sexual abuse incident involving a babysitter that I didn’t remember until recently. In any case, I was quiet. I didn’t play ball or have many friends. I watched TV and had a vivid imaginative fantasy world which is common for abuse victims.
One summer between my sophomore and junior year of high school, I was sick of life so I took a bottle of allergy medicine in a lame suicide attempt. I lived, of course, and just had a terrible night of shaking. I can’t take allergy medicine to this day. After that, I decided I was going to be different. I was going to be popular and fun so I was. I was a pretty good kid, but I did party a little.
In college, I got involved in Baptist Student Union and became very dedicated to the Lord. I was preaching about our ministry team to churches. I also taught on Wednesday nights while the church searched for a new pastor. I had expressed that God had a calling on my life for ministry. Nearing graduation from college, I applied and was accepted to Dallas Theological Seminary.
At the same time, I was working as a mortgage loan officer making good money but spending more and becoming quite materialistic. I postponed seminary in order to “save money” in order to attend. Years later, I hadn’t saved any money and I was still working and racking up more and more debt while traveling and acquiring everything I wanted.
Soon, I began wondering why God hadn’t brought a good Christian girl into my life. I began to get lonely and tired of doing nothing but work. My Christian friends began to dwindle as they got married. I felt out of place with younger college-aged people and I began to get angry with God about it. Why was everyone else living ungodly lives and having fun while I was going to church, teaching Sunday School, helping with children’s church, working excessively but had nothing to do on weekends?
I became dissatisfied and started questioning and comparing. That’s when the trouble started.
At first, I begin going to nightclubs just to dance and to be the designated driver. Eventually, I started having a drink or two which then turned into several. Soon I was never the driver. I was always the drunk. I was the life of the party, buying people drinks and having the time of my life. Or so I thought. Needless to say, I did quit teaching Sunday School but never quit going to church regularly. Most of my family never knew about this.
I started going out all the time. On nights when I didn’t party, I couldn’t sleep. If I did manage to fall asleep, I’d wake up constantly. Although I did not know what they were in the beginning, I started having panic attacks and eventually had to quit my job. I ended up being confined to my house most of the time.
After another panic attack which brought me to the hospital, a doctor prescribed some medicine and I felt a little better. I didn’t go back to work immediately but I did start going out again.
A friend of mine said Ecstasy, or X, was much better than alcohol so with a lot of work, we found a source and bought some. I was immediately hooked! I met a girl and shared some with her. She sold cocaine and when the X ran out, she moved into my house. We started using coke constantly, shooting it up. She introduced me to an older guy who conned me out of several thousand dollars, having me write hot checks for cash all over town. I sold everything in my house to pay them back.
I kept falling for his con though. The night of my suicide attempt, I loaned him my car (like I always did) so he could go get me some money. I had no food and no money, but what I really wanted was coke. I hadn’t been using coke for over a week except for one little amount three days prior. I told him he had until 10 pm or I was going to kill myself.
I guess he didn’t believe me. It was 10:00. I had already lined up the bottles and had my big cup of water to wash it all down. So I did it. My family was hurt and in a lot of pain and quite scared by all of this. They were told in the ER and ICU that I wouldn’t make it. It was definitely a miracle that I lived. God was not done with me yet.
I spent ten days in the psych ward and a month in a day hospital. I wish I could tell you that it was the end of my troubles, but it wasn’t. I used drugs on and off for a few months after that. I even drank a couple of times. But, less than one year later, through the help of a Godly man named Dick Mohlene, God showed me that He could still use me to further His kingdom.
I began my education for Christian counseling. There have been some difficulties along the way. I’ve been depressed and very suicidal since then. I’ve been diagnosed with a mood disorder as well as a personality disorder. The Meier Clinic and Dr. Minirth have really helped me heal in this process. I have taken some medical leaves from my work and I struggle. But, through it all, I know God has been there. He never leaves and He never forsakes me, nor will He leave any of His children.
I think there are many Christians who struggle with depression and many who don’t have a clue what depression is. Depression isn’t something everyone feels. I get that all the time – “We all get depressed at times in our lives. You’ve just got to get over it.” Those are some of the most hurtful things a person with clinical depression can hear.
Not everyone who is depressed has depression, only a doctor ,preferably a psychiatrist, can diagnose. I also get a lot of advice against medication for my depression. It’s a life or death decision for me. Would I advise someone who has heart trouble not to take their medication? No!
The Christian community is, unfortunately, known for devouring their wounded. Those who are hurting are often scorned. For some reason, everyone is an expert when it comes to depression and anxiety disorders and they rush to give advice. However, when someone has some other disease they just comfort. That’s what is needed. Comfort. You can’t talk someone out of depression or anxiety disorders. He or she can’t listen to a song or a sermon. You can’t just snap out of it.
So what should you do? The same thing you’d do if they had any other illness. Comfort them, love them as Jesus would. Encourage them. Share Scripture with them but don’t preach. Let them know you care. And just know that it sometimes takes a long time for recovery. It may be a lifelong battle, but God is bigger.
God can heal and remove the need for medication and therapy, but He may also choose in His providence to leave the illness just as He does in other illnesses so that His power is made perfect in our weakness. My life verse has always been II Corinthians 12:6 and it’s never been truer now than before. I can only imagine what wonderful things God can do in my weakness by His power.
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Jerry speaks from the heart. God allows for "afflictions" in order that we can help someone else. Very well written and well edited, I might add!
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