When a Loved One Dies
Dreams and A Mother's Prayer
Last night I had a dream. It was Levi's birthday and you had allowed him to come from heaven to visit us. He was no longer bald from chemo treatments, but had his beautiful blond hair back. He had on his red shirt. He had his little crooked eye. Don't you remember? It was only crooked because of the surgery. The nerve was stretched when they took out the tumor. He was seeing double until it straightened back out. I'm so glad you let it straighten back out.
When I saw him, I ran to him and held him so tightly I thought it would take his breath away. I couldn't even speak because I was crying for joy. It felt so good to hold him, God. So soft. So warm. Thank you , if only in my dreams, I can hold him.
In between sobs and gasps of breaths, I asked, "Levi, what do you do in heaven?" He tried to tell me about the little girl whose ponytails he liked to pull, as little boys like to do. With a big grin he told me, "Heaven is so fun!" I felt so comforted that he was happy and my heart felt as though it would melt from joy.
I woke up and was so glad that I had that moment with my son, God. At first I was very glad, but as I woke up better and the reality set in, the sadness overwhelmed me .
Here I am God, sitting by his grave, wishing I could dig down to his bones and hold them; if I could even just hold his bones!
God, please give me something to keep my mind busy. Please give me grace. I no longer ask you to give my child back to me. I understand it's your grace I need, not my child. Please God, give me kindness and understanding toward my husband, he lost this child , too. Please, God, help me to still be the mother I need to be for my other children. Life goes on for them. They need to grow and live their own lives. Please God, help me to remember we are only separated for a time, just a breath of time.
And please, God, give Levi a big hug for me, and tell him that I love him.
I ask this all in Your Son's name-amen.
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