Meet The Cooks Episode Three My Dictator Drives A Prius
by Joshua Janoski
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Time again for another action packed episode featuring our favorite superhero family, The Cooks. This episode finds Spyder the Ninja infiltrating the fortress of the evil Emperor Shao Kahn…
Spyder the Ninja (a.ka. Linda Cook): “The Temple of the Discombobulated Monkey! Wow! Long have I waited to be able to confront Shao Kahn face-to-face and end his reign of terror. China will soon see freedom!”
Captain Treehugger (a.k.a. Joe Cook): “Linda, wait up!”
Spyder the Ninja: “Joe? What are you doing here? This is my mission! And where’s Dylan? You were supposed to be watching him while I was gone!”
Captain Treehugger: “Relax, Sugar Booger! Dylan is with my mother, and she is taking good care of him. You know how she always complains that she never gets to spend time with her grandson. I figured this would give her some time with the kid and me some time with my wife if ya know what I mean” *Wink* *Wink*
Spyder the Ninja: “You think this is a romantic getaway? I’m here fighting evil dictatorship, Joe! Not cozying up with you in a steaming hot tub!”
Captain Treehugger: “Speaking of hot tubs, I bet they have a few inside this swanky joint. Hehe.”
Spyder the Ninja: “JOE! ENOUGH! Go home and get Dylan! I don’t trust your mother to watch him properly while I am away. Her and the Emperor are good friends, and if she knew I was here, she would surely try to find a way to disrupt my mission!”
Captain Treehugger: “I don’t know where you get the idea that my mom is friends with a fascist dictator. They had lunch one time. He was visiting the states on a business trip and they went to Panda Express. No biggie.”
Spyder the Ninja: “Fine then! You keep that in mind the next time I go have lunch with Polluto!”
Captain Treehugger: “That’s different, Babe! You are happily married and my mom is a widow.”
Spyder the Ninja: “Yeah! A Black widow! Your poor father didn’t die from a ‘Mentos and Pepsi Accident’ like she said. She killed him Joe! I know she did! Now let me get back to my mission. I have to find a way to sneak into this place.”
Captain Treehugger: “I wish you would please let me, Captain Treehugger, help you out here. I mean since I happen to be here now anyways.”
Spyder the Ninja: “And what is Captain Treehugger going to be able to do? Fight off the samurai hordes with his amazing ability to instantly biodegrade plastic?”
Captain Treehugger: “Well, Linda, it looks to me like this fortress was constructed of 100% recycled waste! Perhaps the Emperor is going green and I can have some pull on him with my powers.”
Spyder the Ninja: *Sigh* “Whatever, Joseph. I’m scaling this wall with my grappling hook. If you insist on following me, then you are more than welcome to enter through the back door and take the stairs. No flying this time for you, Mister! The doctor said that you need the exercise. Oh, and don’t get in the way of me kung powing Kahn in the butt. “
Thirty minutes later, Spyder the Ninja found herself reaching the 150th floor of the Temple of the Discombobulated Monkey. Captain Treehugger’s hand was waiting to grab onto hers and pull her inside.
Captain Treehugger: “Come on in, Sweetie! Doesn’t this place smell great? I think its citron green tea that’s tickling my nose.”
Spyder the Ninja: “Joe! How did you get up here so quickly?”
He took the elevator instead of the stairs.
Spyder the Ninja: “WHO IS THAT? Did I just hear a voice?”
Relax, Linda. It is I, your friendly neighborhood narrator, giving the play-by-play of what’s happening on your adventures so that our readers can join in on the fun. Josh Janoski hired me. He also added your names before each of your lines so that people know who is saying what. Pretty nice improvements over the previous two episodes, huh?
Spyder the Ninja: “Um, that is just weird. I never knew we had a narrator. I’m going to have to have a talk with Josh about this later, but right now I have to deal with Kahn’s cronies who are coming at me!”
WOOSH! ←------------------That’s the sound of legs wrapped in black latex pants kicking the sweet and sour sauce out of ten katana wielding, samurai crazy men!
Spyder the Ninja: “Whew! That was fun! Now to find Kahn, He has to be around here somewhere.”
Emperor Shao Kahn (a.k.a. “Chef Shao” on the show “The Great Wall of Food with Chef Shao”): “No need to look, Spyder. I am right here.”
Spyder the Ninja: “Kahn! We finally meet! I just wanted to let you know that your chinese cooking show on Food Network sucks! I can make better wonton soup in my sleep!”
Emperor Shao Kahn: “Your words cut deep, Spyder Lady. But not as deep as the cuts you will take from my sword!”
Captain Treehugger: “NOT SO FAST!”
Emperor Shao Kahn: “Who is this?”
Captain Treehugger: “I am Captain Treehugger, defender of the environment and husband to that lovely lady you are threatening to slice and dice!”
Emperor Shao Kahn: “So I get two for the price of one today? Fabulous!”
Captain Treehugger: whispers “Um, Honey. Why is Shao Kahn’s mouth not in sync with his voice?”
Spyder the Ninja: whispers “It’s called dubbing, and all good Chinese action movies and stories use it.”
Captain Treehugger: “Hmmm…interesting. Anyways, Kahn, I think you are completely overreacting here. I see this evil lair you have built that is energy efficient. Don’t think that I didn’t notice the recycling bins you have outside for paper, plastic, and aluminum. I get you, man. I totally get you. Let me ask you something. What kind of car do you drive?”
Emperor Shao Kahn: “I just bought a Toyota Prius. Why do you ask?”
Captain Treehugger: “Very good choice, my friend.”
Spyder the Ninja: “Did you just call Kahn your ‘friend,’ Joe?”
Captain Treehugger: “Relax, Darling. I know what I am doing here.”
Little Mr. Jump (a.k.a. Dylan Cook): “MOMMY!”
Why it looks like Joe and Linda’s three-year-old son Dylan has decided to teleport into the fortress and join his parents.
Spyder the Ninja: “My baby! I knew grandma wasn’t going to watch you very closely. You need to go back home with daddy while mommy takes care of some business.”
Emperor Shao Kahn: “Not if I have my way!”
Oh no! Shao Kahn has snatched up the boy! What’s going to happen? I say that pretending to not know the outcome, but guess what? I know exactly what is going to happen next, because narrators get a copy of the full script. Too bad you don’t! Ha ha ha!
Little Mr. Jump: “Mommy! Mommy! Help!”
Emperor Shao Kahn: “Don’t either of you move or else this little boy that you cherish will die!”
Spyder the Ninja: “I would put Dylan down right now if I were you, Kahn. You don’t know who you are messing with.”
Emperor Shao Kahn: “Is that so? What is the little tike going to do to me? Sit me down and make me watch the Teletubbies? Hahahaha!”
POOF! ←-----------The sound of an evil dictator getting teleported to the frozen tundra of Siberia.
Spyder the Ninja: “I tried to warn him about the dangers of holding a child that can teleport, but do you think he would take time to listen? Of course not! He’s a man!”
Captain Treehugger: “Rats! I was just about to ask him his thoughts on solar panel heating! Oh well. Our work here is done. Whaddya say we go find Kahn’s hot tub and sit and soak for a little while, eh?” *Wink* *Wink*
Spyder the Ninja: “Whaddya say that perhaps you take the stairs this time and get some exercise? Lipitor alone is not going to save you, Joe!”
Captain Treehugger: *Sigh* Alright, Honey Buns. But do you think we could have some Wonton Soup tonight?”
Spyder the Ninja: After we get back from Siberia. We have a three-year-old to pick up. You flying, or do you want to drive the Prius?”
Looks like this adventure is not over yet! Join us again for another action packed episode of Meet…
Spyder the Ninja: SHUT UP ALREADY!
Um, to be continued…
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This needs to be a book or a TV show or something. I can't stop laughing.
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I love it! You have a great ability to pop out with witty dialogue and ridiculously brilliant situations for your characters. I especially love the dialogue between the characters and the narrator - classic! I could seriously read stuff like this for hours. Thanks for the laugh!
You left me literally laughing out loud! And she's serious folks, hence her not typing the overused "lol" abbreviation. You may think you are in a slump, but after reading this latest installment of the adventures of the Cook family, I say, "Nay." You should consider writing a book featuring these characters.
Josh, you truly have the comic gift. Don't give up on it. Excellent work:)