by Ellen DuBois
Not For Sale
Author requests article critique
Not For Sale
Author requests article critique
"What do you want from me?" I cry out to God in a moment of fear. "What is it I'm not hearing?" I know I'm not getting it, but I don't know what there is to get. I know it's wrong- wrong to drown in self pity; wrong to focus on what I don't have instead of what I do; wrong to be so wrapped up in me that I feel selfish and ashamed.
Still, crouched on the floor in a little ball, crying until my stomach hurts and my eyes sting from the mascara running into them, I cry out again, this time more softly, "What do you want from me?"
I know I'm supposed to be happy- not all the time, but some of it. At least some of it! Was I so bad in another life? Is that it? Perhaps I made some terrible mistakes. Did God send me back to earth to pay Him back? Retribution?
No. I know that's not true. I know I'm reaching. My heart tells me God is not a cruel or vengeful God. He is love. He is love. My breathing quiets for a moment.
I've created this situation. I've made the choices. I've landed in a spot that feels like an uncomfortable, binding shoe that won't come off.
The tears spill from my eyes again in a gut wrenching cry that makes me double over and hold my stomach. My life runs through my mind like a movie- happy, sad, full of promise, full of wasted time, but full, nonetheless.
I am missing something. Is my mind so cluttered that I can't hear the answer? I pray to the Holy Spirit to cleanse my mind so I can hear what I'm supposed to. Please, cleanse my mind.
The dam breaks. Negative, sad thoughts form a pool and I'm drowning. I see myself caught up in the undertow- and I am running out of strength.
"What do you want from me?" I beg, treading the waters of my own mind until I can no longer keep up with myself. "Please, God. Help me."
I hear nothing, feel nothing. God's not listening to me today. Perhaps, He's grown tired of my complaints. I am struggling to keep afloat, yet my mind is weighing me down like cement bricks upon my feet. Happy. I just want to be happy. Was I put on this earth to fight to be myself? When will I feel loved? When will being me be enough? I want to go back, I cry inside. I want to start all over again and be a child. I was happy then. I knew love, acceptance, comfort and warmth. Being me was always enough.
I know I can't go back, but that doesn't stop the desire from burning. My life, my miscarriage, my divorce, my panic, my fear, my relationship, my God!
I am still. The pool is draining. All the 'my' thoughts. I feel a warmth. No, I feel a love. I can see a bit more clearly and I know I've been unwise and selfish to the point of self inflicted blindness.
The pounding in my chest slows to a calming rhythm. The vice grip on my chest loosens and my body, spent and shaking, leans back upon the base of the ottoman.
I whisper, "I'm sorry." I want to strike the word my from my vocabulary. I want to erase all those times when I got so buried in myself that I couldn't possibly know God. How could I hear Him if my headphones were blasting?
And, I am still.
"Dear God, forgive me. Please, show me the way. I've tried so hard to figure it all out, and fell upon the steps, scraping my knees. I have succeeded and I have failed. I have cried and I have laughed. I've been blessed and I've been ungrateful. Please, God. Just tell me. I know I can't do it alone anymore. Look where it's gotten me? Look at me, God, please. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't. Please take it, take it all. Take my life and take me. My flashlight's gone- the batteries are dead. But, I know your light never goes out. I'm yours. Just tell me what you want from me and I'll do it. Please."
And then, I know. I hear it, feel it, know it, become it as God's answer fills me up, streaming through my blood and making my heart warm, my tears dry.
Had I not reached this lowly state I would not have known. Had I not become so filled with pain that I feared bursting I would not have known. Had I not questioned, for the very first time my entire worthiness and reason for existence, I would not have known. I wouldn't have known the need to surrender, because I would not have felt the need to surrender. Surrender my life to God.
I sat in a crumpled heap on the floor and felt the loving arms of the Father surrounding me. I felt the loving hands of Christ soothing away my hurts, pains, guilt and battle wounds. I cried like a baby in the arms of God, and He never turned away, never let go, never stopped loving me.
It was then I knew what God wanted from me- because I'd just done it.
Ellen M. DuBois
PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR, LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
Read more articles by Ellen DuBois or search for other articles by topic below.
Search for articles on: (e.g. creation; holiness etc.)Read more by clicking on a link:
Main Site Articles
Most Read Articles
Highly Acclaimed Challenge Articles.
New Release Christian Books for Free for a Simple Review.
NEW - Surprise Me With an Article - Click here for a random URL
God is Not Against You - He Came on an All Out Rescue Mission to Save You
...in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them... 2 Cor 5:19
Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Acts 13:38
LEARN & TRUST JESUS HERE
The opinions expressed by authors do not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
This article has been read 1112 times < Previous | Next >