Nature, Teen Guys in the Wild
by Jacob Gibson
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British narrator: Welcome to this edition of Nature. Funding has been provided by Pure & Simple spring water. Pure. Simple. Water... by Mountain Owner, the all-terrain vehicle... by Gibbson: maker of the world's best tranquilizer guns... and by generous tax payers like you, whether you like it or not. Thank you.
Today we are going to study the intriguing American teenage male in his natural habitat. The teen years are a difficult and growing time of life for boys as they say goodbye to childhood and move towards adulthood. New feelings, new challenges, new opportunities, and new experiences. This period of life is also possibly the only time of life when males know more than anyone else (especially their parents)...
*boy argues with his parents*
*same boy stares at the school chalk board in confusion*
...and are invulnerable to any and all kinds of danger and injury, allowing them to safely attempt anything on wheels at high speed.
*boys do stunts and crash into things*
The teenage male is a skilled hunter, and is especially good at catching things that are already dead or nonliving.
*boy sneaks up to a table, hides beside it, dives at a box of pizza, and snatches away three pieces*
And they are not afraid to fight for their food if they have to.
Guy 1: Don't take the last piece! You've already had more than me!
Guy 2: I need more food than you do, Fatso!
*guys get into verbal and then physical fight*
Most boys have an unwritten system of superiority which they determine by such things as material possessions...
*kid races new car around town with booming music*
*guy slam dunks a basketball*
*another guy tells his friends "Dude, last night I beat the game on Champion Mode and unlocked everything!"
... and impressive feats.
*guys says, "I ate 2 and a half pizzas! Now I'm going to go for 15 donuts!"*
*another drinks soda at a lunch table while his friends chant "Chug! Chug! Chug!"*
*girl burps loudly* (wrong footage)
Adolescence is also a time of physical changes, many of which can be surprising and embarrasing.
*guy trips and falls*
*guy cuts himself while shaving*
*another guy's voice cracks and those around him laugh*
*another guy wakes up, walks to the bathroom, and after looking in the mirror, screams, and then throws a paper bag over his head*
One physical change that can be difficult is the change of internal sleeping patterns, where a boy that once went to bed early and woke up early, now may stay up late and wake up late.
*teens stay up late playing video games and using the internet*
*students sleep at their desks and drool*
The teen female is something that many teen males struggle to understand (and this may not change for a large number of males through life). To obtain the attention of the captivating female, the males will employ various strategies of strength, wit, and charm.
*guy revs his car engine in front of a group of giggling girls*
*guy tries to talk to a girl and stumbles over his words*
Many of which can be foolish and do little or nothing to succeed.
*guy lifts a dumbell and hurts himself*
*guy turns his head sideways to a girl, cups his mouth, and hisses like a chinese pheasant*
To the expert mind, one could conclude that the teenage years are a period when the minds of males descend back to the behavior of their primate ancestors from which they evolved, before reaching full maturity. (I say evolved, because even though anyone with half a brain can see that this universe was made by an intelligent designer, we are much too smart to believe that.) If parents can survive this test and remain encouraging and patient with their growing boys, some day they will be rewarded with mature, helpful, and responsible sons. However, we make no promises.
*guys throw something in a fire and cheer as they watch it explode*
Stay tuned next time when we'll study the fascinating and even more complicated teenage female. Thank you and farewell.
*guys walk out of school and one says, "Dude, is someone in the bushes filming us?"*
*camera man runs away*
I was a teen once and I know what it's like. God understands teens and loves them too! (I mentioned the chinese pheasant because we own three and I've seen how the male acts around the females.)
I Timothy 4:12
Copyright © Jacob Gibson
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