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by Joseph Jagde
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I am in fact waiting on something that I already have, these good qualities I already have in abundance are the very qualities I' waiting for or procrastinating on and I am involved in a contradiction of my own making. The positive side to this is your trying to earn a pass when you already have a free pass. I already have a ticket to ride and I spend all my time waiting on line for a ticket. I might be working so hard for something when I already have a free pass.

What I did in that situation is I injected more volatility into the situation. Because one outcome was put in the highest priority, the weight of the situation became greater and seemed more volatile to me. I then pushed the lever of procrastination so the situation would seem to weight less to me. The cost wasnít as high because I will delay.

Or it could be anything I think is going to make me worthy. If I first do this, I am good or I am worthy, and then I can allow myself to be present to the now. By thinking in this fashion, we are putting the whatever it is that I think will make me worthy not only first but as a must. Again, I am putting more than just being my first choice, it is a first and only route to the now and therefore makes the weight of what I am putting first as more than a preference I might choose and maybe more of an actual hurdle than I needed to make it. In actuality, there is no second choice, because if I donít make it to my first choice, I am not worthy for any other choices. If I donít bring my first choice into the now, then there will be no other choices of significance coming into the now. There is no revisionist thinking here and no rudder that I can adjust.

Of course, some of the basic contingencies should be there but the list can become onerous and dictatorial to my interests. I give up the now because one or several things I say have to be in place before I do anything just arenít in place so I give up on everything because my contingencies just arenít met. The demands I make arenít met so no deal is cut. I canít set my sails unless I first have an easterly breeze of at least 15 knots. This demand might limit my willingness or ability to experience the now. Then I can consider whether these demands are set up as the excuse. I set up this set of demands, as an excuse not to get going now. Iíll golf I say when I can first shoot below an 80. How am I going to get my score below an 80 from where I am now which is in the 90ís without continuing to play the game? What happens then is that I donít go golfing. I set up an actual catch 22 about my golfing game because I canít get the necessary improvement without additional game practice. One-way to get into the present is to lower or lessen my demands at times so at the least I can continue on. I can operate on the highest levels yes, but also I can operate on lower levels in terms of my higher golf scores. I can accept different levels of performance. I donít have to have full thrust on my every effort every time out.

We might continue to squander the present not by overdoing and extravagance, but by the opposite, just putting a discount on the now, which we estimate isnít worth as much as the future, and we push it away for those golden days ahead, for another day, month, year, or decade. If now was a person, you would probably show him or her out of the way and say Iíve got to follow the gold rush so go get out of my way. Iím on my way out to find gold. When I look at the gardens of the now, I need maybe even to first see if I have my own permission to do this. Convergence or divergence often is a matter of permission. If you diverge, you may not have had that secret permission to branch away. But sometimes divergence is smart. But then maybe you are not permitted to converge either. I will consider neither the convergent nor the divergent view. So either way I canít lose. However, due consideration was never made, that court was never held, I got the escape hatch and closed it behind me. Procrastination often just an unwillingness to sift through the remaining arguments pro and con and finally bring whatever weight you choose to assign to each of the arguments to the table.

I might indeed be waiting for all the variables to be in place. The law student expects that once the variable thatís in place of the law degree he will be able to impress members of the opposite sex. But in fact in may be another variable that will appeal the most to a given girl. He might have all the variables in place for a given girl now absent the law degree. He doesnít need the law degree for this girl because thatís not what matters to this girl. Her now variable is something else she wants which is an athletic person. Her wish list is different from what you assumed it was. Realizing also, that everybody has a slightly different wish list for anything.

The variable or trait that might most appeal to any given women might be a certain look. Or a certain interest such as in athletics or international events that varies with an individual, which he himself may or may not already have now. And then he might get the variable in place that he thinks is most important only later to find that something else was most important to a given women and he already had that variable back then. Or he finds that he gets the variable of the law degree and it doesnít matter to this girl now because is was some other variable that she wanted that he hasnít got now. The idea is that we have to review not only for which are the variables we think we need later, but what are the variables that are already in place now that relate to what I am trying to do. Also, consider which variables are most important to a negotiation or situation now and whether these variables are being looked at in their proper proportion and weights especially when we are dealing with other people or outside forces where they might weigh or consider those variables in a different fashion then we might have assumed. What carries weight with one person may not be what carries weight in that degree with another person. People do weigh things differently. What is going to matter most in a given situation I canít always be sure of.

While we are looking for additional variables, also look for variables that we already have that we can capitalize on and capture right now.

When someone starts to drive, they are given a learners permit. They are given permission to drive with a fellow licensed driver, as a learnerís permission. I will never get to drive, which is a common mode of transportation, if there has been no permission granted.

Of course we want our permission to have some future resonance that gets me a proper reward. For example, I am a doctor and Iím working on cloning which society is apparently not willing to accept in the foreseen future, I may want to find a path that is more allowable and permissive in terms of itís fruitions in the near future, so maybe I should seek another scientific project that could be rewarding.

Or maybe you had one bad experience, you gave a lousy speech, so you removed permission from yourself ever to be a public speaker, that possible relationship with the future audience was severed forever to protect yourself from a similar experience. I do this while pondering other protective mechanisms I have formed that keep me from investigating anything from the present that I could have tried to expand with. On the other hand, you get divorced, and you then take away permission to get into that realm of relating again, even though future opportunities sometimes appear again in the now.

You had a bad hamburger at McDonaldís. You tell yourself, Iíll never go there again. Permission is granted you have permission not to go. And maybe thatís good. But permission can work both ways. Why not give yourself permission to go either way in the future, to be or not to be, as Shakespeare said. I will never go to McDonaldís I said, I have my own permission or I could change my mind, after reviewing updated facts on the food, I might find the particular McDonaldís may not be representative of them all, the particular hamburger I had is not representative of every hamburger I could still have. So I can choose again, depending, along with the issuance of new information, on that which I can permit myself to consider, either sometime now or sometime later, in changing my mind. One experience is not every experience and I can maybe get on that horse of going to McDonald's again, despite my one fall. Or maybe it is true, one experience is every experience. But I might not get you to believe that either.

We seem to give permission to ourselves to expect the dismal and the abysmal. I hear the bad news and I permit myself to believe it. Why not give ourselves permission to accept or even begin to see that something good might yet happen, however improbable, and least put some percentage chance on the good. A low chance in not the same as no chance. There might be a 10 or 20 percent or some percentage chance it would come your way.

We seem to give ourselves permission to constantly turn the channel on TV, but in so many other ways we are locked forever, our thoughts are set in everlasting stone, unalterable to any of the new, those prior patterns will prevail and the sails I already set go with me and course along with the same outline and with our prior beliefs intact, when in fact new patterns are forming and we need magnetic and magic thoughts and we can go where new ideas might be found. We havenít given ourselves permission to have new, different, and more determined ways of thinking. Putting it simply can I think about something else or determine that I can think about something else? This view, which digresses from the known and familiar, is in fact a view, which might be the one that somehow gets us humming. If you can find some good ideas, follow or trail along with the logic of those good ideas. I donít have to search out only for what I believe is the best view I can get. If I donít find the best view, I donít have to say I want no view, I can look at the views that are in between or outside the familiar circle.

There is something lacking but I canít pinpoint it. Can I find that something else. I might be trying to pinpoint, allocate, and find a precision point and on top of that put it on a time line. In doing this, I might be missing out real present time options and chances. Part of the cause of this is the mathematic part of the education process, which gives equations, and formulas that can be followed forward to a precise answer. But the situations I might be involved with or hope to be involved with might not operate in a similar fashion. Indeed I might not be able to pinpoint when, where and how, and by looking to do this I might further aggravate my search process and might get myself involved in even more procrastination. I can contemplate weather a neat approach should be taking or whether I might just as well abandon the search for a neat, ordered process and just go forward without it. Even if I do find at the moment a neat, ordered process, I can still be aware that this might be interrupted by outer events of a more global nature.

Some people continually look for dating partners while having preset criteria. I will only permit myself to talk with someone, of a certain height. Or the rich man thinks he should only talk wealthy counterparts, foregoing conversations with the plebian masses. But the variables and intersections, can not be completely known in advance, territories are not in fact neatly defined or static, they might be more like a gushing river. I find no matter how much I have going for me, I am subject to operating in the same chaos as anyone else. These territories, may not even remain in their current form, each moment really is newly forming territory, even very separate from the past. Just because this girl isnít a model doesnít mean she isnít attractive, so we canít always look for a true dichotomy, a true split. All diamonds arenít the same. So I procrastinate because I donít know, how things will converge together, so I forget about it all together, foregoing the now, the coming together never happens, so we will never know what might have been. Had we been willing to take in another view. The coming together of ideas, of people, of what could yet be is passed over. In part due to the dim perceptions of some if not all of us now. Two people both have the variable of liking each other, but they never follow through towards a friendship.

It might be better to make one or two of our coinciding variables definite and let the rest be moving or changeable variables. If I make too many of my coinciding variables definite, it could leave me out of now. I could make only say one variable definite. I definitely want at least x amount of money with me as I travel through Europe as these two needed and wanted variables work together. But do I also want the political conditions to be definite, the weather patterns to be definite in the various countries I intend to travel? I want to date someone with blue eyes. I could make this variable definite but leave some of the other variables open. Then, how many coinciding variables do I want to get going as I attempt to march them together. What variables are really most important here as far as having side by side implications?

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