If I were to form an NFL team and name them the “Detroit Hamsters” I would have a difficult time finding players. A 6’5”, 315 pound linebacker would rather display his strength and athleticism with a team bearing the name of a team which would highlight how he sees himself. I’m sure the cheerleaders would rather “hoot and holler” for a Lion more than they would a Hamster. I’m even surer I’d never find a man who would wear a hamster costume and come to the games as the team mascot.
But, didn’t Ezekiel say something about a wheel? Aren’t hamsters known for not only their cuteness, but also for their love for those little wheels we put in their cages so they can exercise and entertain us? Seems to me the Hamsters would be, at least, a little more godly. But, our love for power doesn’t allow for such silliness.
No, we love power and the image, the illusion of being more powerful than we really are. I’ve yet to see a man who can run as fast as a jaguar, but they are a member on a team bearing that name.
I’ve never seen a man fly as fast or as far as a rocket, but the name of the team empowers him to believe he can. But, don’t you think it would be difficult to slam-dunk a basketball at 15,000 miles per hour with your backside on fire?
Wouldn’t it make more sense to name an NBA team something like the Houston Fairies? Aren’t fairies known for their ability to fly quickly and then hover over a particular spot? Seems to me the name Fairy would really capture the abilities of a basketball player. What player doesn’t seem to suspend the law of gravity when they ascend towards the goal and effortlessly propel that orange, air filled sphere through a hole at blazing speed? Maybe we should change the name to the Houston Hummingbirds?
Why do we name cars “Saturn’s” when we all know that that fancy car isn’t designed for space travel? I’ve never seen a car launched from Cape Kennedy or land at Edwards Air Force base after a successful trip to the International Space Station. Could we really design air bags that deploy successfully when our Saturn strikes an immovable object at Mach 20 and save our lives?
Shouldn’t a car that is equipped with live saving devices on every side be called a Mercury Marshmallow? After all, air bags are white and fluffy too. But, who would buy it if it had that name?
Imagine that 6’5” Hamster linebacker parking his Marshmallow next to his teammates Pontiac Pillow and you begin to see just how we love power, even if it is an illusion. If this makes you laugh, then I know you already agree.
No, we love to feel as if we have power. Over ourselves, over our circumstances and worst of them all; we love to believe we have power over people. Stadiums are filled to capacity as people assemble to see which man or woman, men or women are the more powerful of the two.
If you had to choose between two teams you had never seen, never read the “stats” on but were only allowed to know the name of those teams, you’re choice would be made based solely on which team had the name speaking of unstoppable power.
Instead of the Los Angeles Leprechauns’ you’d choose the Raiders. None of us would want to show up at that game sporting a green suit and holding a handful of four leaf clovers. No, we like the idea of being a swashbuckling pirate who raids the camp of our rival.
Rather than decide on the Philadelphia Canaries as your pick for the Super Bowl, you’d naturally side with the Eagles.
Here’s the roster for this weekend, choose one team from each event and announce your choice to all of your friends; I dare you-
The Green Bay Pygmies, struggling with the “short game” are facing the Green Bay Packers. Their quarterback, Mike“the Midget” Muldoon, is no longer on the injured reserve list and hopes to finally climb that 3’ ladder which allows him to actually see his pass receivers, 2 yards deep, frantically jumping up and down yelling “I’m open, I’m open!” They hope to capitalize on the “short” yardage plays. Head coach “S. Nowhite” said in an interview that “We’ve revamped the play book and aren’t about to be dwarfed on the field today.”
The New York Groundhogs are “burrowing” into the city to face the New York Giants. Plenty of dirt will be flying in this one as the Groundhogs threaten to bring all their might, tunneling their way behind the Giants defense, seeing the light of day which means their wintery season will be two weeks shorter.
The Dallas Daisies have “blossomed” into quite a team and will be sprouting up to play the Dallas Cowboys. Their premiere running back, Pan Z. Blooming, told our reporters that he intends to razzle-dazzle his opponents with his brilliantly colorful footwork. “I can’t outrun ‘em, but I’m sorta hoping I can maybe blind ‘em and make a break for the end zone.” Sounds more like fertilizer than football, but it promises to be a game you won’t want to miss. (Unless Martha Stewart is on some other channel)
The Baltimore Red Robins are “worming” their way into Baltimore to peck against the Ravens. Their wide receiver, a first round draft pick, Nick “the Earthworm” Sanchez told us this contest is sure to hatch into something big and he’s looking forward to incubating an NFL win. Even though their record is 0 wins, 157 losses, he’s confident they can win. (The team physician says his dementia comes from playing without a helmet.)
The Seattle Sparrows are flitting into town to face off against the Seattle Seahawks. Spring training in Capistrano may have been just what this powerhouse team has needed since their inception into the NFL, just three weeks ago. Their head coach, Captain Jack Sparrow, said his time “on the set” of yet another movie has hindered his abilities as a coach, but he insists that a win today will put a feather in their collective hats. Rumor has it that Sparrow has stolen the name after being released by Tampa Bay last year and is trying to “rub their faces in it.”
The Miami Minnows are “floundering” this season but hope to redeem their name in a contest against the Miami Dolphins. It promises to be quite an upstream battle as the Minnows troll the NFL waters, hoping for a fish story of their own. Defensive end “Lit. L. Kneemoe” says they are more ready for this game than any they’ve faced so far and he said it’s time for the Dolphins to “fish or cut bait.” The team psychiatrist is saddened by Kneemoe’s being in denial; unsuccessfully trying to get Kneemoe to admit “they are bait.” hasn’t helped his recovery, but only seems to spawn yet more delusions of grandeur. “Just the mention of the word ‘bowl’ hasn’t helped this Minnow see the reality of his situation. Kneemoe is determined to take his team all the way to the Super (fish) Bowl.” the doctor said, through tears.
How many of us would stay in church a little longer if any of the teams on the “different” side of this line up were playing a team on the same side? Most of us!
“I’d rather put up with this boring sermon than watch the Pygmies take on the Groundhogs. At least here I can watch the game between David and a giant. But even this isn’t as much fun; the doggone preacher already told us who won.”
No, we love power. Is there a point in this article? Well, yes, but I’m having so much fun thinking up these goof ball names and games that I am hoping to make a point but not really having to spell it out. It’s just too enjoyable to draw the lines and allow you to “read between them” as the Spirit gives you insight.
How many of us would choose to see Top Gun again if our only other choice was to go see “Frightened men in missile laden machines flying at Mach 4”? “Um, one ticket for Top Gun, please.”
What movie would you rather see?
“Fists of Fury” or “Penelope’s Posies?” Well, Penelope, but only if she beat the living daylights out of her enemies with a flower, of course.
“Around the World in 80 days.” Or “Around the block with my 80 year old Grandma.” Well, Grandma, but only if she were driving a top-fuel dragster and the cops were in hot pursuit in a helicopter gunship and had an armada of squad cars filled with cops firing thousands of armor piercing bullets at her.
“Spiderman” or “Little Miss Muffet.” Well, I’d “tuffet” it out if she used a Tazer on 40 foot spider that was destroying Manhattan.
Well, this has been fun and I could easily go on about the ways we love power and the illusion of power. But, the power God gives is no illusion and certainly isn’t a laughing matter. When we live with & in the illusion that we have power over those around us, it may be real to us and it may be real to them, but it’s anything but real to our Father, it’s heartbreaking. Only He knows what is really real.
But, only He has the power to show you if what I have said is true.
Paul said he “didn’t seek to have dominion (exercise power) over you, but to be a helper of your joy.” We prefer power over serving and we’ll even try to force a brother to be joyful and give him a list of verses telling him why he’s sinning if he isn’t. May He, who has all power, break within each of us our natural desire to exercise power over others. In Jesus name.
The cross is His answer and method of dealing with the power broker in all of us. They, who have died to “self” exercise power (control, dominion) over no one, not even themselves. Dead men can’t do a thing. Lazarus didn’t try to resurrect himself and we shouldn’t either. Well, even if we did, it wouldn’t have worked any way.
I’d say more, but “Around the block with my 80 year old Grandma” just came on and I don’t want to miss it.
Don, You definitely have a lot of time on your hands and a filled with interesting thoughts. Just one flaw in your article; "Haven't the Raiders been back in Oakland for quite some time now? And what's so tough about the Arizona Cardinals?" Other than those two itty-bitty things, you've created a very hilarious and poignant expose on man's obsession with power! May God continue to bless you with such originality in your works.
Sincerely, Dan Blankenship, Author of THE RUNNING GIRL