With Friends like Mine Who Needs a Diet?
by James Snyder
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A New Year has dawned and I am still trying to recover from my New Year's Eve activities. I never stay up to see the infamous ball drop at Times Square in New York City. I see enough people dropping the ball all year long I do not need to watch somebody do it on purpose. Actually, I would like to see more people on the ball this coming year.
For many people New Year's means New Year's resolutions. I would like to know whoever started this New Year's resolution nonsense. Didn't they have anything else to do?
Perhaps, and I am only guessing here, the first person who made a New Year's resolution was Adam in the Garden of Eden. He looked at Eve thoughtfully and said, "I think I'll turn over a new leaf."
Thus began the annual ritual imposed on all human beings.
Last year my New Year's resolution was that I would try not to be as humble as I was the previous year. I would like to say I achieved my goal but I am too humble to boast about my accomplishments.
Perhaps, on the top of most people's list of New Year's resolutions has something to do with diets. I admire those who stick to a diet and lose 1,000,000 pounds. I say I admire them; I'm just not going to join their ranks, thank you. The only pounds I ever lose are British sterling.
If I ever go on a diet, the one I will use will be to see how many pounds I can gain. After all, whenever I try to lose pounds I always end up gaining pounds. So I am thinking, if I try to gain pounds I will end up losing pounds. It makes perfect sense to me.
The last diet I stuck to the only thing that happened to me was my hair got thin. Of course, who really wants fat hair? Actually, I'm grateful for what hair I have, fat or thin. Every morning I tease it into place and it in return teases me into thinking it really cares. We soon shall part ways.
But I need to buckle up and get serious about my diet resolution for this coming year. The reason I know I need to do this is because the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage said to Yours Truly, "You need to buckle up and get serious about your diet." And she is never wrong, at least not in any way that I could document and hold it over her as some bargaining chip. So, I will let the chips fall where they may.
I am not sure how this whole diet business is going to end up or down as the case may be, but I shall give it a whirl.
I know I will have some difficulties because of several contrary things.
I have come to that stage in life where my body acts as if it does not know me. And it certainly deserves a well-earned Emmy. My body and I are not in harmony on anything.
For example. If I want to take a nap in the afternoon, my body resists. No matter how drowsy I may be at the time, as soon as I situate myself to indulge in an afternoon nap my body is fully aroused to complete awakeness. And if that was not bad enough, my brain is racing with so many things I need to do.
If I decide I am not going to take a nap and pick up a book to read, my body immediately goes into slumber mode. I barely turn to the first chapter when my eyes roll back into my head and everything turns dark and all quiet on the Western front.
Another difficulty I will have to face with my diet has to do with my friends. My so-called friends. Ha!
I believe there is a diabolical conspiracy among these friends of mine. Whenever I'm around them, they are always coercing me into eating things I really do not need to eat.
"Aw, come on," they chide me," one more piece of pie isn't going to kill you."
Then, once I eat it, they make me feel guilty for eating.
There is one remark, if I hear it one more time I will not be responsible for my actions. It is, "Are you going to eat that or wear it?" I do have a snappy retort but I am saving that for a really special occasion.
Between my body and my friends, I am going to have a terrible time this coming year with a diet. I can't do too much with my body but I think before I start my new diet I will get me some new friends. Friends that are fatter than I am.
Even the great apostle Paul struggled with this matter of resolutions. Finally he wrote, "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14 KJV).
I can't change the past. I'm not sure about the future. But, like the apostle Paul, "I press toward the mark..." As long as Christ is before me, nothing can discourage me.
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Always get a chuckle out of your articles. Thank you for telling it like it is.
"If I decide I am not going to take a nap and pick up a book to read, my body immediately goes into slumber mode. I barely turn to the first chapter when my eyes roll back into my head and everything turns dark and all quiet on the Western front." I hope it wasn't my book you were reading!!!! Seriously, always a joy to read your stuff! Keep up the great work. May God bless. Sincerely, Dan Blankenship