TIRADE A-1.2: GETTING UP IN THE MORNING:
Just heard something about some poet laureate or other who made it a point to write a poem every morning before he got up. Sure would be nice to be a poet laureate who has the time to write something every morning. I tried to be one, but when I looked in the Help Wanted section of the paper, I couldn’t find any poet laureate positions open. In the spirit of do-it-yourselfism I wondered what it would be like for one of us regular working stiff types to do this morning poem stuff ourselves. Here’s what mine would sound like:
GETTING UP IN THE MORNING, by Brian Jensen, poet laureate of the middle of the middle block, west side of Wakenden street between Grand River and Seven Mile Roads, third or forth house from the corner.
(and I quote myself):
(RINGGGGG)
Aaaacck! Glumph! Whazzat noise? Oh the alarm…is it time to get up already? I don’t want to get up. I really don’t want to get up. It’s too early to get up. Which way is up, anyway???
Just five more minutes, just five more minutes, just five more minutes please!!
OK OK I’m up already….here I am walking to the OUCH!! WHO LEFT THAT SPIKE-STUDDED TOY ON THE FLOOR THERE!!!!! OK OK here I am walking to the(SPLAT) AWWCK!! WHO LEFT THAT WALL LAYING RIGHT THERE WHERE SOMEONE COULD WALK INTO IT!!!!!
Just five more minutes, just five more minutes, just five more minutes please!!!
OK OK I’m up already..I combed my teeth, brushed my hair…time to make lunch. Oops, my eyes aren’t open yet….I’ll just grab anything …make my lunch anyway…there it is. Oh NOW my eyes are open. Let’s see what I made for lunch…ohh gee. That’s OK,… maybe canned peas actually taste good with maple syrup and chocolate chips on them.…eww! What’s this stuff on my sandwich? What’s that, dear? No, I have no idea where the dog’s food has gone….
Just five more minutes, just five more minutes, just five more minutes please!!!!
Omigoodness! Just look at the time! Out the door I go… What’s that dear? Oh. That’s all right, I’ll turn my pants around when I get to work. Now where’s the car?…OK where’s my keys…Oh yeah, the pockets’re on the back. OK..key in the door (BEEP BEEP BEEP WAIL WAIL WAIL…)
Just five more minutes, just five more minutes, just five more minutes please!!!!
OK OK this one is my car….Hello neighbor, sorry I set off your car alarm. Why yes, as a matter of fact, my pants are on backward. Newest youthful trend, y’know. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. By the way, is this your cat peeing on my leg?…
Just five more minutes, just five more minutes, just five more minutes please!!!!
(YOWLL MEOWWR YOWLL) Oops sorry kitty cat! That’s what happens when you leave your head laying around where it can get stepped on. Hey that’s strange…this can’t be my car. I don’t remember it being on fire last night….OMIGOSH LOOK AT THE TIME!!!
Just five more minutes, just five more minutes, just five more minutes PLEASE!!!!
OK OK, fire’s out. car started, now I’m driving to work….! If I can just make it through this intersection and get to the expressway, I’ll just make it…AWW RATS! It never fails, the intersection is always empty till I get to it and then….GEEMINY! Look at that traffic!! Hey, what’s going on?..that’s a marching band!
Looks like a parade. It is a parade!! Oh great!! First a great big bunch of cars, then a marching band…then a parade….what’s next? Good grief, what is that? IT’S A SUBMARINE!!!
Just five more minutes, just five more minutes, just five more minutes PLEASE!!!!
Whew…made it! Just pulling into work here…just grab my lunch and my coffee…oh yeah, I’m wearing my coffee…blasted bumpy roads!! Oops, cheap lunch bag…I’ll have to come back out here during lunch and get everything that just fell through the bottom…Hey, what’s this? There’s a sign on the door. What’s it say?
(CLOSED FOR THE HOLIDAYS)
Just five more minutes, just five more minutes, just five more minutes PLEASE!!!!
What’s that dear? Why yes, as a matter of fact I am curled up in the fetal position in the crawlspace. Latest youthful trend, y’know. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. What’s that? Oh, I’ll be staying here until the end of the world or so. Enjoy the holidays! Do you want to go see a parade? There’s one at the intersection…..
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