Blobular McKludd and His Car
ďNobodyís FoolĒ By Brian Jensen
Blobular McKludd was nobodyís fool. He was such a fool nobody wanted him, therefor he was nobodyís fool. Even though he was marked half-off, there were no takers, none for either half. Even when the price that had been marked half-off was free, there were still no takers. But that is not what this story is about. There are a lot of things this story is not about.
Blobular was an expert in spiritual matters with no equal anywhere, except maybe in the insane asylum. He diligently avoided gleaning even the slightest bit of information from the Bible, Blobular just knew the Bible was unscientific. Blobular was not about to accept anything on faith, without checking it out for himself. Besides, the Bible was full of unscientific stuff and contradictions. Blobular had never found any himself, he had never looked into the Book, but all the popular science writers said the Bible was unscientific and they were scientific and never wrong!
So there was no need for Blobular to check out the Bible for spiritual stuff. Rather than reading the Bible, Blobular tripped and stumbled over it on many occasions, formal and casual.
Instead of the unscientific Bible, Blobular McKludd turned to his horoscope, which was proven true time and again. Once, about twenty-one years ago his horoscope told him he was due for financial gain, and he found a quarter in the toilet! In addition to the quarter he had gained a wet hand, which could be considered another form of wealth, if you liked humidity. How about that? Another time Blobularís horoscope told him his life was going to go in an unexpected direction and THAT turned out to be true. He was walking down the street while reading that horoscope and was not watching where he was going, so he tripped over a Bible that was in the front window of one of the stores he was walking past. As a result he fell into an open subway excavation and his life took an unexpected downward direction. There! Thatís two times in one lifetime. What more proof do you need? Huh? Huh? Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?Huh?
With the advent of the Internet, Blobular moved on to more Scientific science for his spiritual endarkenment.
His favorite Internet sites were the psychic scientific sites where he could just smush his face up against his computerís monitor screen and download spiritual wisdomage directly into his brain. When he woke up face down on the keyboard the next morning, he felt wiser, in foolish sort of way.
All this is why he was not fooled by the car he bought. He knew it was possessed! There could be no doubt! There were a whole series of strange events that could only point to demon possession, since there wasnít anything else he could think of at the time. Besides that, he had seen a whole writhing pile of movies about demonic cars, so Blobular was an expert on Mechano-demonic hybrids.
First there was the fact that Blobular had no idea why he had chosen that particular car. He had rushed out and bought it after seeing a commercial that showed people vibrating and pulsing to music while sitting in that particular model. After seeing the commercial, Blobular just had to go out and buy the first car of that brand he smushed his face into. The smushing had occurred in conjunction with an unexpected new direction Blobularís life took after he tripped over the Bible laying on the desk at the dealership. Fortunately the impact was softened by the garbage can Blobular was wearing over his head at the time.
The garbage can filtered out alien spiritual static that might be downloaded into his brain directly from electromagnetic sources like transformers, fluorescent lights, radio transmitters, and interdimensional alien school buses on field trips from other planets. The garbage can gave him the appearance of being wise in a foolish sort of way.
There was no feature or characteristic about the car that he cherished. He had bought a car he did not even like! Definite specific proof of some vague evil thing happening!
For another thing, there was that strange roaring sound he heard from the front of the car every time he drove it. There was something up front that sounded like a wild animal that roared like a ..well a wild animal roaring! When he investigated in there, he could find no animal, merely some sort of spinning thing that hurt a LOT when he put his ear against it to listen for the roaring. Once again he found himself waking up face down in the engine compartment having become much wiser in a much more foolish sort of way. Blobular dealt with the roaring thing decisively with a lit stick of dynamite. There was one last gigantic roar, then the roaring from the front of the demon-possessed car stopped forever. For some reason this seemed to have a deleterious effect on the top speed of the vehicle, but it was worth it to get rid of that evil scary roaring noise!
Then there were the two evil long arms that erupted from the bottom of the windshield and flapped back and forth insanely every time he touched another arm inside the car. He discovered the inside arm sticking out from the side of the steering wheel one-day. The first time it happened Blobular leaped up and started running for his life, but there were very unpleasant consequences due to the fact that he was driving to work at the time. One of these consequences was a severe headache that mysteriously appeared that very day. Strangely enough, about the same time all this happened, a weird little protrusion appeared on the roof over the driverís side of the car. The protrusion, amazingly enough, was the same shape and size of the top of Blobularís head! Fortunately, Blobular knew what to do about the evil flapping windshield arms. He took care of them with an axe. The protrusion he fixed with really big rock.
Then there was the invisible silent marching band in the glove compartment. One day when Blobular was gazing into the glove compartment of the car wondering where all the gloves were, he noticed he heard no marching music! That was very strange, since if there were a normal invisible marching band in his glove compartment there would be marching music to be heard. Blobular checked the radio, which he had fixed earlier with a crow bar since there were strange evil voices coming from out of it. He heard no silent marches coming from the radio at all. The only place the soundless ghostly marching music could not be coming from wasnít the glove compartment!
That clinched it. Blobular investigated this psychic phenomenon immediately. He gazed fixedly and scientifically into the dark scary depths of the glove compartment and-behold! There was no silent marching band to be seen! Since there was the silent marching music, there should have been a marching band somewhere. A normal silent marching band in his glove compartment would be easy to see. Obviously it was an INVISIBLE silent marching band stomping around in there, blatting out unheard splats of out of tune silent music, a sure sign that his glove compartment was a gateway to hell! Blobular did not know what to do about that silent band marching invisibly around in his glove compartment, so he rearranged the glove compartment with a sledgehammer. There! That worked like a charm! There was no more silent marching music issuing from the dashboard of the car. Most of the time.
Of course things could not keep going like they were. The first sign that the end was near occurred one fine sunny weekend when Blobular went to the front window of his house to look out at his car. The first strange thing he noticed was that a Michigan weekend was actually sunny, rather than pouring rain or pounding hail or any other such typical pleasant weekend weather in Michigan. The other thing he noticed was that he could not see anything. All he saw was a white fuzzy light, along with a horrible choking sensation and the smothering smell of cloth, a cotton-polyester-rayon blend. Blobular panicked! There seemed nothing he could do! The choking and the smell got worse and worse. As much as he strained his eyes, all he could see was the fuzzy white light. Finally, Blobular pushed the curtain out of his face and looked out the window. Miraculously his vision cleared up and the choking went away. Blobular looked at his car.
As he gazed at his car, Blobular began to notice something that appeared very strange about it. It did not seem to have any wheels! Neither were there any windows or doors! In addition, the body and engine were gone also. The interior was not there either! All that was left was the space the car had enclosed. That could still be seen parked at the curb. Blobular ran out and jumped into the driverís seat. He was shocked to find himself sitting on the pavement. It finally dawned on Blobular: the car parked at the curb in front of Blobularís house was completely gone. It was missing! In addition, it was also not there!
Blobular realized he had to drive the missing car to the dealer and have it looked over to see if the warrantee covered nonexistence. He decided to do it later, he had to take his pathogenic bacillus for a walk that morning.. To be honest, he was more than a little afraid of being seen in a demon-possessed absent car with an unheard invisible marching band blasting silently away in the glove compartment. What would his neighbors, who also were missing, think? What would Blobular think? What would all the people who knew nothing at all about, nor cared about, this situation think?
One day after the mysterious disappearance of Blobularís missing car, a letter came in the mail that confirmed that the car had something strangely horribly insignificantly wrong with it. The letter was from a Mister Bank, who wrote Blobular to confirm that the car had been demon-possessed, although Mr Bank did not say so directly. He merely told Blobular in the letter that the car had been Repossessed , and since it was repossessed, it had to have been possessed in the first place while Blobular had it.
Blobular breathed a sigh of relief and decided to smush his face into his computerís monitor screen to download the next spiritual truth. His life took another unexpected change in direction when he tripped on the Bible lying on the desk in front of the computer. He woke up face down on the keyboard, wiser in a very foolish sort of way.
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