I'm excited, scared, and insanely curious all at the same time. What will I find? I really have no idea but I'm going to find out as soon as everyone else leaves the house, thinking I'm too sick to go along.
I've gone through this before. It's the same every time. I can't concentrate anymore. I need a fix. Fortunately I'll have the chance a little later. I tell my mom 'goodbye', and then all is quiet. The house is empty except for me. I rush over to the computer...
As usual, I rush over to the computer and open Safari. In the google bar, I type a 'p', followed by an 'o'. But I stop after the 'r'. For the first time in over a year, I consider how I know I'll feel after I log off. Instead of feeling better after I get my fix, I know I'll be racked with guilt. I'm Catholic, I know fully well what I've been doing is a grievious sin. I know I won't be able to stop thinking about what I did. Sure, it'll quickly be replaced by the urge to get back on, and guilt will be forgotten. But it's just an endless loop. Urge, surf, guilt. Urge, surf, guilt. Urge, surf, guilt. I quickly close the browser and log off before I change my mind. The rest of the day, I feel horrible even after my victory. I'm kept from looking again only because family members are home.
With the new year, I'm hoping to start fresh. After a month of sleepless nights and gutwrenching days, I've finally confessed and I don't want to look quite so badly. It's my dark past, and I know I never want to go back, to go through it again. I want to bury it, to forget it.
Ugh. That's all I can say. I'm sick of this. I'm completely over surfing, but the aftermath is still affecting me. It's uncomfortable talking to girls, because I can't help but observe and judge their physical shape, and yes, even picture them naked. And at night, I keep picturing various images I saw, alongside stuff my mind conjured up. If I like anywhere even slightly dark, I picture it all. And nothing makes it go away. I toss and turn frantically, shine bright lights in my eyes, but they persist. And sleep is no refuge either, because I'm still afflicted with dreams that would be major sins were I conscious and able to stop them. I never would have thought that it could be so hard to get rid of unwanted thoughts, but no more will I assume that. I don't WANT to see any of this. What's worst though is that while I'm fighting it, I have to admit that I enjoy it. It's probably the reason I'm still reliving my nightmarish experience, two years later.
I had a relapse. Don't ask me why, but I looked again. I've already confessed it and it was only once, but it's set back my recovery. If that matters. At this rate, I don't think I'll ever get over this.
October 10th, 2008(today)
FINALLY. My ordeal is over. Before I wrote this, I reflected on all I went through, just because I was curious. Before I started, I didn't even know the word 'porn'. I started surfing because of an innocent question, accurately phrased as follows. 'I wonder if there's pictures of naked people online?' Thats exactly what I wondered. I looked, and kept looking. I learned new words and things. I also learned what it's like to be in a serious addiction. Comparing my experience to that of a drug addict, it's really pretty similar. The only difference is I didn't experience any changes noticeable to others. My hands never started shaking or anything like that. But I did go through all the serious effects of being a druggie as far as I know. It took two years, after a year of surfing, to •fully• Recover. It was a horrible three years and now that it's over I beg whoever reads it to never EVER surf yourself, and if you already do, to stop.
Nate (DOB, 1993)
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