I'll be 59 years old in just a few days. Where has the time gone?
I sit in my kitchen this morning listening to oldies...you know those ballads that tug at your heart. I'm pondering my life up to this point...counting my blessings but still overwhelmed with grief for a wayward wife. Still trying to digest it all. Still wondering what God wants of me.
How did I get here?
The loneliness is so hard to bear...I see people everyday...couples, families, living their normal mundane lives...shopping, walking, talking, eating, and just being...in airports, malls,churches, everywhere and I cry and I pray that God would give that back to me.
I never thought that I'd be alone at this stage of my life.
Ah but this is my third marriage did I tell you that? No? I guess I skipped that part. Its something that I'm not comfortable with. I divorced two women. Yes, I had reasons...Of course...Not biblical though... just worldly. You know the game: I'm not happy...I deserve to be
happy don't I? Doesn't God want me to be happy? Yes, I love her but I'm not in love with her.
So many lies...all delivered by the enemy and all accepted by me.It was all too easy. I did try counseling in both marriages but I gave up too quickly and threw in the towel.
And now after 12 years of marriage, my third wife has left me and our children. This
scene has been replayed several times during the last two years and is now 10 months in length.
It has been the most traumatic time for my children and me.
Take you, (Name),
To be my (wife/husband);
To have and to hold,
From this day forward,
For better, for worse,
For richer, for poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love and to cherish,
Till death do us part."
Two and a half years ago I had a life changing event. I had quadruple by pass surgery. I came very close to dying. I went code blue three times and had a second surgery hours after the first,due to numerous complications. I was intubated for eight days and in the hospital for nineteen. My life changed, my outlook changed. As soon as the tube was removed from my throat I called my wife to tell her how much I loved her.
It was during my subsequent recovery at home that I first discovered that she was having an affair. The irony does not escape me. At that point I realized how much I loved her, and how much she meant to me, and now she was interested in another man. Well he's come and gone and she's been back and forth with me ...but mostly she's been on the run. She's on the run again.
Its all hurt me deeply....the lies, the disrespect, the betrayal.
But this I know
The Vows are very meaningful to me now. I understand the one flesh covenant made before God on my wedding day. When
I spoke those words 12 years ago I meant them, but now they are branded on my heart. God has made sure of that. He gave me my life back on the operating table and he opened my eyes. I made a lifetime commitment..."till death us do part", and I will honor that commitment.
God hates Divorce. He doesn't want me to do go down that road again. Again the irony does not escape me. Twice
before I've divorced and now I'm fighting to preserve something I was so quick to destroy years ago.
I've resisted the world view. I've resisted my loved ones telling me to move on, that I deserve more. I know I do. My children do. My wife does. So I've become a stander, praying for the restoration of my marriage, praying that God leads her back in to his arms, praying that she will be made whole first before he brings her back to her family this final time. What a day that will be.....
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The honesty of your heart shines through every sentence. I applaud your stand to stay true to your vows this time, no matter what the consequences or how long the wait. Praying that God brings wholeness back to your family in every way!