This morning I overcame temptation. Agh, wasn't anything huge, really small on the whole, but still today I overcame. I will not say aloud what it was because that isn't the point but I will say that it isn't sin generally, except it is for me right now.
Funny how strong an urge can be or how one's mind will try to justify, telling you it really does not matter. On the whole, again, probably true. I really don't even think anything monumental would come from the throne on this-
But- it's the still quiet voice, softly speaking.
In these times I guess we can find out just how ugly our flesh really is . . . how it will war with the devil against our very souls. Agh! I am so tired.
My God is bigger than all this. I know it.
I have often cried and pleaded in my life, wondering why this, why that . . . why not this why not that. Wared against my flesh, have warred against the enemy and even yes, . . . know I have warred against God.
In reality when we do 1 or 2, we are at the very least struggling AGAINST the bit God might have in our mouths.
We want His way as long as His way meets up with our way. Not always, but often.
& Even when we agree and want what He wants- sometimes we want to rush the process or get to the end result. & He says, "my time, in my time".
Nevertheless Your will and not mine seems like valiant words. They were when Jesus said them. & I have been brought to those very words and said them myself at times.
Sometimes with everything in me feeling as if it was being ripped in half-
& Other times, apparently still with hands tightly gripping whatever it was that I did not want to let go----------------
The threshing floor is never a comfortable place to be.
But I do struggle. Struggle with what I do know and what I do not. I struggle sometimes with things I cannot change. I often have struggled underneath a sky of looming question marks that I just don't have the answers to.
& All of it- vanity. Just as King Soloman said.
If all that matters is God and His cause-
then all I struggle with is nothing, isn't it?
So where really is my heart that I feel intensely human and flawed right now? Where is my heart truly?
Oh Lord, forgive me.
Just please forgive me.
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He does forgive you, but know this that you are not alone and thanks for the glimpse into your heart . I don't know if its a good thing but its nice to know that i'm not the only one that struggles and thank you for your courage in writing this and we can take comfort in knowing that He is faithful to forgive us !