Please feel free to comment, correct, email, speak . . . . whatever you might feel led to do. I haven't really tried to market anything, but God often uses me writing as therapy I think. & Right now I could use some. GOD is bigger than anything I might be going through- and whatever anyone else is. Do not let my wondering aloud seem to state anything otherwise. Everyone struggles. & If we do not then we have either been made perfect and are gone now-
or we probably do not know God.
Not sure I know what to do. Lord- You know I believe. You know I know. I am tired though Lord, very tired. I want to be with You. I want to serve You. I know what is being said about me, being thought about me. I have felt the sting Lord, and yes it hurts, but really, that doesn't even matter so much anymore.
Lord, You know me. & I know me. & I am flawed and definitely NOT perfect and I have screwed up royally so many times in my life that I cringe knowing all that I have done. Repeatedly You have told me, shown me and reminded me that it is gone, it is gone it is gone--------------
& It took a long time Lord, but I finally think I gave all that mess up. Layed it down again & finally didn't pick it up ---- & I know I have tried to forgive myself- at least tried- which is someting I realize now that I kept as a weight for all my life Lord. & I thank You that You said, "Hey, it's okay. I took that all too."
I am just lost now Lord. You know intent of heart, You know my deepest lingings and fears. You know all the reasons I find myself in this new predicament. You know I don't understand why and yet feel guilty for even questioning.
Lord, You know we did not come together the normal way. You also know we did this for reasons other than love. I know now my initial thoughts were correct. You have made that clear. I also know it does not change where we are now.
& I've got everyone everywhere either saying nothing or making assumptions and/or judgements about it all.
So what do I do Lord when he is gone now and he doesn't desire this marriage anymore than I do?
What do I do when I have remained with You to the best of my ability- and it has changed nothing?
What do I do when every single message PM is preaching is how if we cannot love sacrificially no matter what- and completely lay down our life for that one- who doesn't deserve and doesn't even want it------------------and I know he is right-
but still don't? Lord, what do I do? I don't want to be out of step with You! I don't want to be cursed for making wrong choices.
Lord You know I knew he wasn't the one God. You made it so plain in the beginning. I know You know how what he thought or they thought eventually got in and swayed me, because I sure still don't. I'm so sorry Lord. I'm so sorry. I know none of us would be here had I stayed strong and said, "I'm sorry- no."
Now he's gone and we're still tied. & No matter what I do I don't feel I am right anywhere. Please help me GOd. Help me discern----- because I'm not getting from You what they ar saying to me. I'm not getting that You want me anywhere but right where I am.
Lord- I love him, but I don't LOVE him. & Only You know exactly where he's at, but even I know he doesn't love me- not like that- & You know when we moved I already clearly saw what was supposed to be a marriage never ---whatever it is You do to make a couple one-------- . . .
But You also know I said, "Nevertheless . . . ". God PLEASE help me.
I want to believe I am Yours. Am I? Am I still?
God- I am not asking You if divorce is okay. I know the answer. -But I am asking what to do.
I don't want to live in limbo Lord. I don't want to live this way------but I will if this is where You choose to leave me here.
& I am not debating whether our hearts are deceitfully wicked, but rather admitting that apparently I see that truth in my own.
Still Lord, I feel stranded here, in this place.
& I guess I thank You that sometimes I have felt Your hand hold me up a bit these last days, last weeks.
Everyone's perceptions of me seem so strange. I have wondered what they would think if they saw the little girl, laying alone and crying- waht would they think then? Would they more understand? Would they even care GOd, would they?
Oh, so sorry-
I KNOW You are with me. - But God even now I am just so lost, so lost.
I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU LORD.
& This is my confession:
I know nothing. I don't know what to do, what to say or where to go from here. I feel like I have been a screw up my whole life and I just don't want to be that anymore. I thought I would never be here again and yet here I am. & I need You.
Forgive me for my flesh railing. Forgive me for my emotional spurt here. Please forgive me Lord.
Forgive me if my blankness inside is my heart hardened toward this non-marriage marriage. But if there is a reason for the blankness Lord, then please let me know I am not crazy Lord. Please!