(Author is sitting in a Christian
Bible study. It's Wednesday night,
and she's wondering if she should
stop by Walmart, to pick up some
water bottles. San Antonio, is,
after all, in the path of the anxiously
anticipated Hurricane IKE! She frowns;
but....could a WAVE really be that
BIG.....as to SLIDE over SAN ANTONIO?)
But.....what about her CATS? Suppose
there's not even water....fOR THEM?
AGGGGHHHH!! Author grimmaces,
and tries to focus on what the other
ladies are saying. Unfortunately,
she doesn't agree with any of them,
at all. But.......if she says anything.....oy vey!
THAT will open up a whole can...
of BEANS! Author kvetchily frowns
to herself, and begins talking to God.)
__________________________
"Lord......WHAT I am DOING here?"
"Listening, child."
"About WHAT?"
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
"Me."
"Yeah; but, what about the
WATER?"
[SMILE!]
"What about it,
My beloved."
"The bottles!
THE BOTTLES!"
(Kvetchy sigh.)
(One of the Christian ladies
glances at author.)
(Author just smiles and nods,
trying to look placidly Christian,
and not the extremely opinionated,
inherently cranky Jew that she is.)
(Munches on a cinnamon oatmeal bar,
trying to look really conservative,
and not the raging Democrat
that she's been since......1962.)
"Ah.
[PATIENT SIGH.]
Yes."
"Well, what should I DO ABOUT it?"
"What, My beloved."
"The BOTTLES!
And......WALMART!"
"Shhhh, child.
Listen!"
(Silence.)
"Yeah; but,
I don't agree with any of this stuff
Lord."
(Inwardly kvetchy shrug.)
(Hears, in the background of the
house, a sadly pitiful whimper of the
hostess's sweet dog. Fighting off
the temptation to get up,
and go down the hall to open
the door, the author reaches
over to open up her San Antonio-
been-in-the-warm-car-tepidly-
warm bottle of iced tea.)
[PATIENT SILENCE.]
"They're all sayin' that......
(Sigh.)
that, Ya know: they PRAY to
You, all the TIME!
(Squint disbelievingly.)
...in a REALLY SWEET way!"
[TEASING CHUCKLE.]
"And, My precious?"
"Well......eh, Ya know.
(Squirm.)
(Drop some oatmeal bar crumbs
onto the floor.)
(Slide hand down, inconspicuously,
to floor to grab the crumbly crumbs.)
"Ya know: I think that's great,
and all.....but....."
(Kvetchy frown.)
"It all seems too goody-goody."
[BURST OUT LAUGHING!]
"I can't BELIVE these guys,
like......never have a GRIPE
with YOU!"
[SMILE!]
"OH!
COME ON!
I can't BELIEVE it!"
[PATIENT SMILE.]
"NO WAY!"
"I can't BELIVE IT!
NO WAY!
Like, they NEVER YELL
at You...ONCE?"
"What do they say,
My precious."
"Well.......
(Munch, munch.)
(Nod some more,
in an outwardly conservative manner.)
It's just that they say that.....
Ya know: that, if You're givin'
them a bad TIME......."
[SMILE!]
"Go on,
precious."
"It's only cuz, You're trying to
TEST them, or some such nonsense."
(Smirk.)
(Roll eyes quietly.)
(Sip some iced tea.)
(Silently wonders if, in an emergency
and the tidal wave DOES come
to San Antonio, that the cats
would drink some of her ICED TEA?
Maybe, she should call her vet, and ask
him about it.)
"I dunno, Lord.
They seem to think Your TESTING
of us is like, for our own GOOD,
or somethin'!"
[PATIENT NOD.]
"So......like, we should be
HAPPY about it, or
somethin'!
(Turns bottle of iced tea around
in order to read the contents:
it DOES have a lot of WATER in it.
If the TIDAL wave....WOULD come to
San ANTONIO.......[Grimmace!]
...couldn't the cats just drink THAT?)
"That's just, really STUPID!
I can't BELIEVE people REALLY
THINK that!"
[PATIENTLY FATHERLY SIGH.]
"AND.....!"
(Sigh, hearing one of the Christian ladies
say she's going to go out and buy some
batteries. Becoming even more anxious
about oncoming Hurrican Ike, author
tries to remember what sort of batteries
her flashlight takes. What WERE they,
ANYWAY? And, WHAT does it MATTER? Her
CATS don't care if it's DARK, or not.
Oh, no.....what about the LITTER? Does
she have ENOUGH? Just in case, there
IS a TIDAL WAVE?)
[PATIENTLY WAITING.]
"What's all this stuff about ISAIAH?"
[PATIENT SMILE.]
"What about It,
My beloved."
"Everybody KNOWS it's just
You're tellin' the JEWS,
they're gonna GET IT!"
[PATIENT SIGH.]
"So....WHY is it so LONG?
And....NASTY?
And, NASTY?"
"Shhhhh!
Listen, child!"
(Cranky frown.)
(Quietly listening,
but just for a moment.)
"SEE?
SEE what I MEAN, LORD?
It's all BAD stuff!
And...it's ONLY about the JEWS!
"I'm gonna say somethin....."
"Oy, child.
Child."
[SIGH.]
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