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What If They Could Have Lived, I Will Never Know
by Margery Wolfe
09/10/08
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What If They Could Have Lived
I Will Never Know

The telephone rang and I answered, hello.

It was my neighbor calling me to tell me to come to my house, something was wrong with my husband. She would not tell me anything other than that. I was at the hospital to get the surgery on my right shoulder that had been hurt. My cousin and I left the hospital after the Sheriff put me out for being loud, I thought my husband had had a heart attack and I would not make it there in time. How shocked I was to find out that he was dead.

As I walked up my husbandís ex-wifeís daughter walked up to me and told me the news. I almost passed out when she said; ďyou had not heard, he is deadĒ? I asked where was his son because I saw his car there? She said he was inside and I wanted to go in to be with him and thatís when I found out that he was dead also. My world was shattered and she caught me as I was going down.

When you do not know about a situation, it should make you want to do right. What if my husband and stepson could have been alive, I will never know. What if I the woman of God had not sinned and taken out of position to pray a pure prayer or see what was going on? Itís a lot of what if, but will the truth ever be known?

These are questions that I ask myself sometime because I knew better than to sleep with someone else other than my husband and did so anyway when I gave up on my marriage. I had prayed to God for 8 months for a reconciliation of my marriage that I never understood why a separation in the first place. My husband only would tell me that if his son is there that I could not be.

My husband died and my boyfriend had to go. I actually blamed my boyfriend for me not being able to go home when my husband called for me to come home. He said he loved me and his son was moving out and I could come home, but how could I tell him that I had just slept with someone else a few days before? I know he would have understood because he was that type of man, very forgiving. I told him that I would come home, but after we went to court for our divorce which was scheduled in the next two weeks. We decided that we would tell the Judge that we did not want a divorce and reconcile. We would also withdraw our petitions for reciprocating restraining orders that we had in force at the time.

How do I know if I had kept myself pure before God if God would not have changed his mind and let them live? How do I know if my prayers would have saved their lives? How do I know if the man I was with did not kill them? How do I know if it was a jealous girlfriend of his? I donít know anything and this is punishment even when I did not commit the crime. My punishment is from the sin I committed against him while he yet lived. Although I have since asked God to forgive me, I never got my husbandís forgiveness. Who knows, maybe he knew and maybe he didnít know that I had been unfaithful although we were getting a divorce.

My nastiness is my only sin. I will never ever again be caught up in a situation like this where God will punish my sin in a way where I myself do not understand.

In my life today it makes me want to do right. It makes me live the Gospel that I know to live. It makes me look to the right source for my help. I stay under the protection of God and keep my soul out of trouble. The Devil abused me with my own fornicating ways. Donít allow him to accuse you by submitting to his ways.


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