I tried to keep silent about my abortion but I couldn’t. Peace avoided me. I tried to find peace by ignoring the issue, but peace shunned me. God stopped me. He finally convinced me that the only way to peace was through confession. If you hide your sins, you will not succeed. If you confess and reject them, you will receive mercy. Proverbs 28:13 (NCV) If sin is not revealed, it cannot be healed.
I did not want to terminate my pregnancy, I fought it. I hit a brick wall when I screamed, “I want to keep my child!” My parents and boyfriend convinced me that there was no alternative. I finally believed that I had no choice. I cried out in prayer the night before the abortion but I had no answer: Dear God, Please forgive me for what I am about to do. My heart bleeds for taking the life that you created in me. You see me, Lord. You know the pleas I have made for my child’s life. Nobody hears me, Lord; my voice is smothered by the people around me. I am weak. I cannot fight the fight against my influences. You know my heart. I want what is best for this child, for the life that is within me. The dream has been ripped away. I am failing you, Lord. Have mercy. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
My weak spiritual mindset was evident. Lack of understanding that God’s strength was freely available to me made it easier to believe that I’d fail as a mother. He gives strength to those who are tired and more power to those who are weak. Isaiah 40:29 (NCV) The dream of giving birth to my child had vanished. Though I was young, the trauma from being sexually abused throughout my childhood deepened my wish to escape my family and to be loved by someone I loved and who would love me. I knew that I could raise my baby the right way, and I would find the happiness I craved. Disappointment crushed the high expectation I had had in the people who claimed that my well being was their priority. I knew that was a lie.
Bitterness! How could those who said they loved me do this? I’m left with the regret and sorrow while they prance along as though nothing has happened. But I could not forget. My child was not so easily forgotten in my mind. Unforgiveness filled my heart until God led me to face my pain.
His love interrupted the devastation that Satan tried using to destroy my life. Defending me like a bird flying over its nest, God showed me that I could either allow this to keep me bitter or make me better. I surrendered it to Him through prayer every time resentment arose. It was my responsibility to forgive so that He could forgive me. Yes, if you forgive others for their sins, your Father in heaven will also forgive you for your sins. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins Matthew 6:14-15 (NCV. Through much prayer, I forgave my parents, boyfriend and even the doctor who performed the abortion. Forgiveness led to full repentance of my sin and I surrendered my abortion to the cross. God not only forgave my sin, but He has forgotten it. Wow! I, I am the One who forgives all your sins, for my sake; I will not remember your sins.” Isaiah 43:25 (NCV) The magnitude of forgiving others became vital. God didn’t create hurt; Jesus Christ came to take it away.
Dear Lord, You have shown me love. Your grace still binds me even though I don’t deserve it. The lesson you taught me, I will never forget. Thank you for blessing me with your correction. For showing me that I can put all my expectation in you and that you will never forsake me. Help me to do better. I cannot change without you. Bless my child that I will hold in heaven when I die. Thank you for your forgiveness and unfailing mercy. I am nothing without you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
God reveals different lessons at different times in our lives. We may never understand the true purpose until we get to heaven. Instead of wishing that I would’ve kept my child, I focus on how I can strengthen my obedience walk and do the best I can each day through Him. My mission is to depend on God for everything and to open my heart to His ways. He restores us when we surrender. Our failures are never final with Him.
It isn’t about what I’ve done; it’s about who God is and what He has done. Relief came from the power God gave me to press forward. He reiterated that He took my suffering so that I could be free from my sin. But he took our suffering on Him and felt our pain for us. Give Him your pain and suffering. That’s His gift for you. Isaiah 53:4a(NCV) I accepted my grief and gave it to God. No matter how many times I fall, God gives me strength and picks me up when I ask. “ … If you come back to me and trust me, you will be saved. If you will be calm and trust me, you will be strong.” Isaiah 30:15(NCV) Without God, I’d still be weak and under the curse of condemnation. He waits patiently to free us from Satan, the father of lies. I never thought I’d find peace. Today I have peace. Reaching out to God was the first step in my healing. I accepted His everlasting love, the love that all humans fall short of giving. God waits with open arms to fill all with the same love. We must allow Him to wrap His grace around us.
-Ephesians 2:4-5(NCV) But God’s mercy is great, and he loved us very much. Though we were spiritually dead because of the things we did against God, he gave us new life with Christ. You have been saved by God’s grace.
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