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No Vanilla Ice Is Never Coming Back
by Alica Hall
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I thought that it was was safe. For some reason, I assumed that if we met in church that he must be a good guy. O how naïve I was.

He asked for my number, and I gave it to him without any hesitation. That was my first mistake.

He left with the promise that he would call. And it was exciting to me. I had never dated much, and honestly I never quite knew what to do with a guys attention. Well I was about to learn that not all attention is good attention.

So he called me on Saturday night asking if I had plans. Foolishly I admited that I had none. We spoke only breifly when he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I thought it was cool. He was going to take me to the movies. Then he admitted that he didn't have enough money to pay for the show, so could he just bring a movie over and watch it at my house. That was his first mistake. Well It wasn't even really my house. It was my grandparents house that I was going to move into after I graduated. But it was where I hung out. And then another monumental mistake, I invited him to come over. He responded that he would be there soon.

Of course at this moment I launched myself into a full attack on the clutter in the front part of the house. I began frantically throwing things into my bedroom and spare bedroom. And I called Trisha.

I grabbed up the phone as soon as I realized what an idiot I was. I hurriedly dialed her number. “Trisha?” I asked breathlessly. “What are you doing?”
She paused for a moment before responding. “Jeff and I have plans.”
“Whatever your plans are, please, please change them. I have a date and he's coming to my house. And I really don't know him. So please... I NEED YOU!” I plaintively wailed.
“Fine, at least I can laugh at whatever you found. But we get to play this my way...”
“Fine, fine, that's fine. I just don't want him to be here with me by myself.” I screeched as the panic finally set in.
“See you in a bit,” she chirped in a very un-Trisha manner.
“Thanks.” I offered breathlessly as I heard the click on the other end of the line. Thank the Lord that Trisha had agreed.

He arrived soon after the house was tidied. He pulled into my driveway in a beat up clunker. He came up to the door grinning. And I welcomed him inside. We sat on the couch for a few minuted chatting and getting to know each other. And before I knew it he was leaning towards me, his face contorted and his lips twisted.

EEK! He was going to try to kiss me. He was trying to kiss me, who didn't want to kiss until my wedding day. What had I gotten myself into? I jumped up from the couch, retreating to the chair beside the couch. In no way did I want him to think that I was inviting him to sit beside me again. That was his second mistake.

He whined that from where I was sitting now that we couldn't hold hands. That was fine with me. Finally he suggested that we go eat. I was getting hungry, so I quickly agreed. I climbed into his decrepit excuse for a car that was even more cluttered than my own. And as he pulled out of my driveway he told me that he only had enough money to buy his own meal. I'm sure my eyes told the story in the moment if he had been looking. What kind of guy was this. But I of course told him that it wasn't a problem. That's one of my faults. I am too nice.

So we walked in the sandwich shop and he quickly told the workers what he wanted. Then he began asking how they liked their jobs and how he would get a job there. I was fine with this. Maybe that was why he was broke. He was needing a job. He paid for his sandwich and we left. It was only in the car that he revealed that he wasn't interested in a job. He said he was only trying to be friendly. Are you kidding me? I thought. You don't “try to be friendly” by asking for a job. What a moron.

We went back to my house. He remained on the couch while I chose my safe chair. He popped in his manly action movie, which not surprisingly I had never seen.

The movie had barely started when Trisha arrived with Jeff in tow. Trisha offered up her movie choice and my date didn't like her choice. Trisha threatened then to leave. So I immediately agreed to her movie, even if I knew it was going to be disgusting. It had to be better than being alone with “HIM”.

He rose from the couch and stormed across the room, paying no attention to anything. Somehow he missed the fact that the ceiling fan was hanging there. And somehow he didn't see the light globe hanging lower. But just because he didn't see it, doesn't mean that his head didn't find it. He ran into with a loud smack and fell to the floor. Trisha eyed me critically with the “what on earth were you thinking” look flashing across her face.

He struggled to rise up, but he did it. Then he exchanged the movie in the VCR before returning to his seat. Admittedly, I was not a fan of the movie, but I remained where I was, pretending that I liked it.

We weren't even half way through the movie, when he rose from his seat again. He began break dancing and rapping and telling us all how Vanilla Ice was making a comeback. Trisha snickered over this until he decided to add to his act a pair of women's shoes. In fact they were Trisha's shoes. Few thing was Trisha overly possessive of, but her shoes were one of them. Trying to divert a battle, I pulled Trisha into the kitchen to look for popcorn. While HE slammed his cousin that I was in school with over and over again. We listened only partially, we went to school with her. There were few stories we had missed out on.

There was no popcorn. So finally out desperation, Trisha and I abandoned Jeff and went to the grocery store down the street. I told her she could get whatever as she filled the cart with chex mix and marshmellow fluff. Truthfully, we had thrown Jeff to the wolf while we hid in the comfortable fluorescent sanctuary of the store.

But we couldn't stay there forever. We had to face the demon and drive him out.

We returned and I told him my parents wanted me home. I phrased it very carefully so that it wasn't a lie, because I knew that if my parents knew what was going on, then they would definitely want me home. But they were on vacation, and I couldn't call them.

Finally we coaxed him out the door as he began telling us how we shouldn't bad mouth his cousin. Finally we shut the door and locked it. And the date was over. How stupid was I to agree to this? So heed this warning, there many stupid creeps out there.... just because you found him in church doesn not mean you should go on a date. And seriously the date is OVER when he starts breaking dancing and rapping. It was over so totally over. And it was all one big disaster.

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