I woke up this morning with pain in my heart, sorrow clinging at my chest and my lungs gasping for dear life. I felt like death was suffocating me and confusion and his goons were out to avenge me. Panic rose up in me and I saw my life do a curtain call before me as if to say, “Your time is done. You have been happy for too long boasting about your Jesus. Where is He now? Your time is done and there’s nothing you can do!” I felt such fear rise up within me. Could I have heard it right? I heard the coaxing voice of malice leading me to my doom say once again, “there is nothing you can do”. But then…Silence. I heard another voice. A still, small voice. A voice that leapt ahead of my reasoning to utter such simple words, “it’s okay Child, just call.” My mind wired up with the paranoia of life, I conjured up at least ten good reasons why I could not, why I could not dare to call out to my God. Caught in between faith and self-doubt my life seemed to be holding its breath to hear what its verdict would be. I had a choice to make. My mind tried to reason with me, telling me the many reasons why I could not dare approach the throne of grace. I felt my sins testify against me to say, “You are a shame, a disgrace, you know what you have been doing. What a wretch you are! Even you cannot bear to think on yourself- what more God? Shut up! God does not want to hear from you.” But then…Silence. I heard the other voice again. A still, small voice yet full of impact, “Freely I have given so freely receive. It’s within your power to call. You have a will. I’m your father. Trust in me Child. Call on me.” I lay numb on my bed waiting to cry. The tears were dry. No tears came. The cry was silent. I heard no sound. I hoped to shed some tears, to cry and break down like the many times in God’s presence. Perhaps if I shed tears I would touch Heaven’s heart. But no tears came. ” Child why do you think you have to move me with tears”. There it was again. The still, small voice. “I am so sinful”, this time I spoke. “Call” urged the still, small voice.I felt so sorry for myself. How can God expect me to speak to Him now? Why can’t He leave me to wallow in my shame? I just wanted to lie there. In fact I wanted to forget about everyone and everything, even about myself! I lay on my bed having surrendered to self-pity and self-condemnation, yet fearing to hear the still, small voice lest this time it would tell me to prepare to die. I hummed to myself to drown everything out, listlessly at first, but as I continued humming I became more confident. “Hoooooly…hooooly…are you Lord God Almighty…worthy is the Lord!” Then I stopped. I was singing ‘Agnus Dei’ one of my favourite worship songs. I felt warm and light yet not comprehending why. The Spirit of the Lord started to minister to me. “Because of the name of Jesus, you have the right to enter at all times into the presence of the Lord. The veil has been broken. So go boldly to the throne of grace and leave everything there where your sins were atoned for.” I lifted myself off the bed. I did not feel so heavy after all. I knelt to the floor, and confidently opened my mouth; “My Father in the Heaven above…”
Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
Be blessed
Lerato Sibanda
Read more articles by Lerato Sibanda or search for articles on the same topic or others.
This is one of the greatest tools of satan , to make us believe that we can't go to Him at any time about anything. I have been there many times. We can never give in to these thoughts. He is there for us no matter what lies we're told. Keep writing, wonderful article!
