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Joel Osteen A true believer or just another worshipper of idols?
by Julie Michaelson
07/28/08
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Elijah took twelve stones;
according to the number
of the tribes
of the sons of Jacob...
and with the stones
he built an altar..
[1 Kings 18:31-32]
*************************
"LORD?
Is that TRUE?"

"What, child."

"YOU know!
What this GUY says!"

"Who, child."

"Ya know: that RICH guy
in HOUSTON!
(Squint up at ceiling.)
Ya know: the one who
worships MONEY!
(Smile!)
Ya KNOW!
And, he says that You're
really SWEET, and EVERYTHING!"

[CHUCKLE.]
[NOD.]
"Ah.
Yes."

"WELL?
IS it?"

"Is what,
My precious."

"YOU know!
Is it true that Wrath and
Anger isn't really Your....eh,
THING?"

[STERN FROWN.]
"My WHAT, CHILD?"

"Eh..........eh, I mean,
eh......Your eh,
Ya know: Your Wonderful
Judgment of manKIND!"

[NOD.]
"Hm, hm.
I SEE."

"Yeah.........
(Sigh.)
Ya know what I THINK,
LORD? I think that guy
was never brought up
JEWISH!
THAT's what!"

[PATIENT SIGH.]

"YEAH!
BELIEVE....ME!
YEAH!
You BET!"

[PATIENT NOD.]

"Didn't he ever READ
that part about that guy
who just ACCIDENTALLY
TOUCHED the ARK?
And, then GOT SMOTED*?"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"Or.....how about that
LADY who got turned into
a CHUNKY block 'a SALT?"

[PATIENCE OF AN ADORING
FATHER.]

"And.......HOW about when
the mean ANGELS
KICKED Adam 'a EVE
outta that PERFECT GARDEN?
(Smile up at ceiling.)
What about....THAT?"

[WISE NOD.]

"And....what about when the
children 'a ISRAEL got
CARRIED off by the
BABYLONIANS?
Just because they had been
worshipping IDOLS?
(Smile!)
HUH?
What about THAT?"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"And, what about that
time on Mount CARMEL?"

[GAZE.]
"Read It to Me,
My beloved."

"I can't remember where
it is, Lord.
(Squint.)
Ya KNOW!
It's that part where You
rained fire down on Elijah's
handmade trench, or somethin'!"

"Good, child.
[NOD.]
Where is It."

"I DUNNO!
I'm TIRED!
I don't feel like lookin' it UP!"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"I don't really like READIN'
the BIBLE, LORD!
It's REALLY MOROSE!"

[SIGH.]
[SHAKE OF THE HEAD.]

"ECH!
ALL that ANIMAL ABUSE!
ECH!
And........eh.....
eh, not to mention it but..."

[WISE LOOK.]
"WHAT, My beloved?"

"Well.
(Squirm.)
(Shrug.)
And.......now, this could
only come from one'a
Your CHOSEN, Lord,
but....."

[CURIOUS SMILE.]
"Yes?"

(Clear dry throat.)
(Sip some generic rootbeer.)
"Well; eh......it's just that
most 'a the Testament's
always bad-mouthing the
JEWS!
(Sneak a look up at air vent.)
THERE!
(Look up again.)
I SAID it!"

[SMILE!]
"Is this something new,
My precious?"

"What: the JEWS
gettin' BAD-mouthed?
Or, me just TELLIN'
Ya about it?"

[PATIENT GAZE.]

"See what I MEAN,
LORD?
SEE?
If that JOEL guy
had been born JEWISH,
he'd never be gettin'
RICH off telling EVERYBODY
that You were just a Nice GUY!
(Chuckle!)
SEE what I MEAN?"

[GENTLE SMILE.]
[SHAKE OF THE HEAD.]

"YEAH!
He'd probably be some
poor SCHLEPPE,
workin' at some down 'n
out JOB, comin' home
every NIGHT to water
the GRASS around his
teeny tiny HOUSE, and....
watchin' the horrible NEWS
on his 15 inch TELEVISION...
while drinking his
generic ROOTBEER!"

[SIGH.]
"Child, haven't I
blessed you?"

(Pout.)
(Shrug.)
"Yeah.
You have.
(Nod.)
I know You have!"

[SILENCE.]

"The thing is, that guy
is WRONG.
(Thoughtful squint.)
(Sip some more Walmart rootbeer.)
Cuz...... I don't think You
care about money, at ALL!"

[WISE NOD.]
"What DO I care about,
little one?"

(Silence.)
(Pause.)
"Getting closer to YOU?"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"And.....if that means us
having a lotta TROUBLE
in our life.....then.....
so BE it!
(Squint.)
RIGHT?"

[SILENCE.]

"After all, all this
MONEY stuff is just
gonna PASS away one
day.......but,
You AREN'T!
RIGHT?"

[GENTLE VOICE.]
"Read My Word, child.
Read My Word."
*************************
Then fire of the Lord
fell, and consumed
the burnt offering,
and the wood,
and the stones,
and the dust,
and licked up the water
that was in the trench.
And when all the people
saw it
they fell on their faces...
And Elijah said to them,
Seize the prophets of Baal;
let not one of them
escape.
[1 Kings 18:38-40]


_______________________________
(*Improper use of grammar.
Author is using it here,
just for conversational emphasis.)






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Member Comments
Member Date
Jerry Rasmussen 29 Jul 2008
Here a
Jerry Rasmussen 29 Jul 2008
Here a
Jerry Rasmussen 29 Jul 2008
Here a
Jerry Rasmussen 29 Jul 2008
Here a
Jerry Rasmussen 29 Jul 2008
Here are two of my favorite Joel Osteen Quotes: In response to a question from Larry King, when Osteen was on his show: King: "Is it hard to lead a Christian life?" Osteen: "I don't think that it's hard; to me it's fun." He also stated: "As a child of God, we should receive preferential treatment." He said that by following his method he has been able to get the best parking spot in a crowded parking lor, a first class seat on a crowded airplane with no boarding pass and priority seating a restaurants. Too bad he wasn't there when Christ entered Jerusalem. Maybe be could have gotten Jesus a better donkey. I wonder if he is reading the same bible that I have... Jerry
Jerry Rasmussen 29 Jul 2008
Sorry about that. My computer must have the hiccups. Jerry




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