Would that we
had died in the land
of Egypt!
Or would that we
had died in this
wilderness!
Why does the Lord
bring us
into this land,
to fall by the sword?
[Numbers 14:2-3]
***************************
"WERE we, LORD?"
"What, child."
"Ya know: what that guy
in that BOOK SAYS!"
[SILENCE.]
"Ya know: that purposefully
driven LIFE book!"
[CHUCKLE.]
"Ya know: that book that
made a lotta bucks for that
GUY?"
[PATIENT SILENCE.]
"Yeah. I know;
I'm pretty cynical.
(Pause.)
I think it's a stupid book."
[PATIENT NOD.]
"How so, My precious."
"Well.....don't Ya REMEMBER?
I put it on top 'a my CAR?
And, then I drove AWAY?
Without IT?
Don't Ya REMEMBER?"
"Yes, My precious.
[PATIENT NOD.]
I remember."
"Well.....I think that was my
subconscious talking, LORD!
(Smile up at air vent.)
It was saying,
'Ech! I hate this book! Ich!'
What do YOU think, LORD?"
[CHUCKLE.]
"First of all......I HATED
that he said anybody who
doesn't believe in Christ
is gonna go to HELL!"
[PATIENT SIGH.]
"ECH!
What does HE know, ANYWAY?
HUH?"
"What do you know,
My precious?"
"Not much.
(Smile!)
Actually, nothin' at all.
No....that's not true, Lord.
The other day, I found out
that it's very imperative to water
your foundation on a regular
basis, so that if you live in a
hot climate, your tiny
house doesn't shift."
[SOLEMN NOD.]
"What else, My beloved."
"Eh.......I dunno.
I'm just sick a' all these
people sayin' the Jews
are gonna go to hell....
Ya KNOW?
I'm SICK of IT!"
[PATIENT SIGH.]
"Actually, I'd like to tell
HIM to go to......"
[STERN REBUKATIVE VOICE.]
"CHILD!"
"Alright!
Alright!
HEY!
I'm HUMAN!
Ya KNOW?
Gimme a BREAK!"
(Mumble.)
(Murmur.)
(Grumble.)
[SHAKE HEAD PATIENTLY.]
[SIGH.]
"Yeah.....hey, suppose all
HIS family were JEWS?
THEN, what would he SAY?
HUH?
Suppose HIS mother and
father were both JEWISH?
HUH?
I'll tell Ya ONE thing!
I bet'Cha he wouldn't 'a
written that BOOK!"
[LOVING GAZE.]
"Child, you must be more patient."
"PATIENT?
With WHAT?
(Squirm.)
(Squint up at vent on ceiling.)
Where did THAT come from?
(Squinty frown!)
Anyhow, I got all riled up
again, cuz I got some
email about another class
on that book. That stupid
BOOK! ECH!
I hope it FELL off my CAR!
And, into the GUTTER!
And....the FIREANTS ate it all up!"
(Shake puny fist up at air vent.)
[PATIENT NOD.]
"Yes, child."
"Yeah; the first topic was
gonna be:
'We are Created for
God's Pleasure.'
Somethin' like that."
[SMILE!]
"What a weird statement!
Whoever heard 'a THAT?"
[CHUCKLE!]
(Sigh.)
"The way I see it.....
if that's true, Lord.....
that means Ya haven't
had much PLEASURE since
the WORLD BEGAN!"
"You would be surprised,
My beloved."
"Yeah; actually, I would.
I could see how You had
fun CREATING the WORLD,
and all.....but, man, since that
sixth day, Lord, it's been
nothin' but tsoris*!"
[PATIENT NOD.]
"Anyhow.....
(Sigh.)
I just wanted to give You
my opinion about all this,
Lord. I think it's about
time You did something....."
[SMILE.]
"About what, child?"
(Impatient squirm.)
"About EVERYBODY thinkin'
the Jews are gonna' go to
HELL! THAT'S WHAT!
(Grumble.)
(Mumble.)
(Impatient shake of the scruffy head.)
[INFINTESSIMALLY PATIENT
NOD.]
"Afterall, YOU PICKED on us!"
"Chose;
My beloved.
(GENTLE SMILE.]
Chose."
"Well; I say 'PICKED ON!"
[PATIENT NOD.]
"Yes, My beloved."
"I think I'm gonna go eat
dinner now, Lord."
[NOD.]
"Good, child."
(Impatient frown.)
"Just think about what
I've said......OKAY?"
[VERY PATIENT NOD.]
"Yes, My child.
[PAUSE.]
And, you think about
what I have said."
"HUH?
WHAT?"
"In MY Book,
child.
[LONG PAUSE.]
MY Book."
***********************
If the Lord
delights in us,
He will bring us
into this land
and give it to us,
a land
which flows
with milk
and honey.
[Numbers 14:8]
__________________________
*Yiddish for 'trouble;
very bad trouble'.
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