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Character SCHMARACTER
by Julie Michaelson
07/02/08
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But He knows
the way that I take;
when He has tried me,
I shall come forth
as gold.
[Job 23:10]
*********************
"Hey, LORD?
Can You stop BUILDING
my CHARACTER?
I'm SICK of IT!"

"No, child."

"Yeah, YEAH.
THAT'S what I FIGURED!
You ALWAYS SAY that!"

"Precious one, Who are you
SPEAKING to?"

"Eh......is this the Same One
Who told Moses to take
off HIS SHOES at the
Burning BUSH...?"

[SOLEMN NOD.]

"THAT'S weird.
Wasn't that the
God of ISRAEL?
But....that was way
back WHEN!
And, I'm in SAN ANTONIO,
LORD!*"

[PATIENT RUMBLE.]
[MAJESTIC SIGH.]

"Hey, LORD?
You never DID TELL me!
Was it harder to make
SATURN?
Or JUPITER?
WELL?"

[WISE ALL KNOWING NOD.]
"I thought this was about
your character, little one."

"ECH!
What's to KNOW?
I mean, it's ALL about
SUFFERING, anyway!
ECH!"

[GENTLE CHUCKLE.]
"Well put, My precious."

"Hey, listen: I got
CHARACTER up the WAZOO!
I got so much CHARACTER....
it's COMIN' outta my EARS!"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"I got so much CHARACTER,
I could sell some of it
on EBAY!
(Look up at air vent.)
(Big smile!)
"...And, STILL have enough
left OVER to....to....well,
You know what I MEAN!"

[PATIENTLY SOLEMN FROWN.]
[MORE SIGHING.]

"Yeah, LORD!
Too BAD I couldn't USE it
to power my CAR!
HECK!
I wouldn't have to pay all
those GAS PRICES for
another HUNDRED YEARS!"

"I heard you, My beloved."

"WELL?"

"Well what."

"SO?
How much more 'a
this CHARACTER BUILDING
am I gonna GET, anyhow, LORD?
Like I said.......!"

[REPROVING FROWN.]
"As much as I say."

"Well, when's it gonna STOP?
How much De-DROSSING
can one person TAKE,
anyHOW?"

[FROWN.]
[REPROVING GAZE.]

"HUH?"

"Child, is this a way to
speak to your LORD?"

"Eh.......well, Ya know,
I'm an AMERICAN, Lord!
American Northwest Philly JEW!
I'm the descendent of one 'a
those CHOSEN that You SCATTERED....?
after 70 A.D...?
..and then....
some 'a them landed in PHILLY?
(Smile!)
REMEMBER?"

[CHUCKLE.]
[SHAKE OF THE HEAD.]
[SIGH.]
[NOD.]
"And?"

"Well, we believe in freedom of
SPEECH, and all! Especially,
in PHILLY! It was the home
of Billy PENN!"

[NOD.]
[HISTORICALLY ENTERTAINED NOD.]
"And?"

"Well......
(Squirm.)
(Clear throat.)
Ya know......"

"No.
I don't know."

"Well, it's like this:
Ya know: in MY country
I was taught that all 'a us
have freedom of SPEECH.
And to VOICE our OPINIONS
to whomever, and WHEREVER.....!"

"Am I a Whomever,
child?"

"Well, YOU know what I
MEAN. Hey......what about
the Millennial KINGDOM, Lord?"

[CHUCKLE.]
"What about it,
My beloved?"

"Well: aren't Ya gonna be
real STRICT, and all?"

[NOD.]
"Read My Word."

"Yeah, here it is:

and He
shall rule
them
with a rod
of iron........
[Revelation 2:27]

What's that mean, Lord:
like, people can only have
2 cats in their HOUSES, and
STUFF? And....like,
no DOGS over 40 POUNDS?"

[PATIENT SIGH.]
[CHUCKLE.]

"And, like, no watchin' TV
after 9 o'CLOCK?"

[WISE NOD.]
"Hm. That is a good suggestion."

(Frown!)
"Ech!
Like, EVERYBODY'S gonna
have to keep their LAWN
constantly trimmed, and
WATERED?"

[PATIENT SHAKE OF THE HEAD.]

"YIKES!"

"You have an imagination,
My precious."

"Yeah......but, where's it
GOTTEN me?
Huh, LORD?
WHERE?"

"In My Arms,
My beloved.
[PAUSE.]
In My Arms."
*************************
For He is like
a refiner's fire
and like fullers' soap;
He will sit as a refiner
and purifier of silver,
and He will purify
the sons of Levi
and refine them
like gold and silver......
[Malachi 3:2-3]

____________________________
*(Author's note: if you ever
do get to meet me in Heaven,
I'll be the lady with the
Jewish accent - and -
dunce cap: cleaning
out the horse stalls.)

If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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