When I was a young girl growing up, I remember waiting to get older. I wanted to be a young woman and do more adult things. I remember being 14 years old waiting excitedly in anticipation for my high school years to begin. I wanted to be more mature, more responsible, and be allowed to do more.
In high school, I couldn't wait until I would turn 16, get my drivers license, and have my own car. Since I was the oldest in my close group of friends, this was even more important. Then waiting for graduation and the anticipation of going on to college and being away from home was more than exciting.
Maybe being the youngest of three made me want to grow older faster. I watched my sister and brother do things I wasn't allowed to do...yet. I just wanted to be older each new step I took. I wanted more.
My wish was granted, I did get older. In high school I wanted to find my first love and I did. Six years later the roller coaster ride called my first real relationship ended. Then, I was alone with two small babies to care for. I was a 23 year old single mother with 11-month old twins. There was no waiting to grow up anymore.
My days were suddenly filled with full-time school, part-time work, and full-time parenting. A few years flew by. During that time, I faced a lot of pain from a damaging, abusive relationship, unresolved issues from my past, and ongoing depression. Somehow, over these years I managed to make it through. I wasn't waiting to get older anymore, just trying to get by instead.
Many mistakes were made during this time in my life. Through it all, I put my children first which was my saving grace. They always blessed me and forced me to always try my best for them. I was the best mom I could be in my given circumstances. God was a very minor part of my life during that time period. Going to church and praying was the right thing to do for my children. It was never that I truly believed.
God was waiting for me. I wasn't ready and refused to see things placed in front of me that could lead me to him. I look back now and see the people that crossed my path in my life that were seeds on my way to finding Jesus. I look back at events that happened that may have led me closer to God. I see now along my wayward path that all along he was waiting for me to straighten out my path to find the one leading right to him. He was waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
I still wasn't ready. Instead, I was tired of being alone and never thought I'd find someone to marry. It happened quickly and surprisingly. I met my husband when I least expected to find someone and we were married not long afterward. In less than a year, our son was born. So many changes took place and over the years to follow I found myself on a roller-coaster ride again. What was wrong with me? How long did I have to wait for true happiness? While I struggled, God was still waiting.
I was frustrated, unhappy, and tired of being married. This wasn't at all what I had ever pictured. My heart was filled with pain and I couldn't take it anymore. After 4 ½ years of marriage, I didn't want to be married. Not wanting to go against my beliefs of commitment and ‘til death do us part', I didn't want a divorce but was very torn on what to do.
To find our way through this, we turned to God with the help of our pastor. I was a member of the church, of course again, for the kids. The stress in my life was overwhelming to the point of illness. I was in the care of a doctor to find out the cause. Then it happened, the waiting was over.
I was reading the Gospel of John (for the first time in my life) and praying. One night, instead of praying in my old standard way, everything changed. I whole-heartedly put my heart and soul into a prayer to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I woke up the following day revived and renewed. It was an amazing experience. The waiting was over. God no longer had to wait for me. I no longer needed to wait for my true love because I found him that night. I finally believed.
Now, I feel that I wasted so many years trying to find something, waiting for something, wanting more of something. Instead, I'm here now feeling like I want so badly to play catch-up for all the things I didn't do for God in those wasted years. I'm impatient and want my purpose, my plan He has for me to be all figured out. Now that I know Him, I want to live for Him in every possible way, but sometimes can't figure out how.
I'm an infant again. An infant in my walk with Christ. Now I'm waiting for Him to show me the way, teach me through trials, and help me to live for Him. Again, I am waiting to mature and get older. I want it to happen now.
If I look back at my mistakes in life of wanting to grow up too fast, I can learn that it takes time to mature. If I wait patiently, He will show me when it is time and when I am ready. Now I just need to find the patience within me to wait.
Copyright 2003, Ann Marie "Ree" Brown, all rights reserved.
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Ree, you have been through SO much! Your story is living proof of the verse from Ecclesiastes: "He has also set eternity in the hearts of men (and women too, we might add!)." Thanks for sharing about your 'waiting' time. ~ Violet
I really enjoyed your testimony although I realise for you it has been a very painful road.
The mistake that many people make in living for God is that they wait for that day when it all happens, and in some miraculous way they find the will of God.
Until God shows you different, this is it - bloom where you're planted.
Jesus told the rich young ruler to sell all and follow him.
However he told the man delivered from demon possession to stay with his own people and testify to the saving grace of Jesus Christ.
The waiting is over, you are on your journey all you need to do is to allow yourself to be carried along by the 'wind of the Holy Spirit'.
Thanks for sharing.