When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
I wish I could say that today I am everything I should be but I cannot. I wish I could tell you that today I am at complete peace with myself but I am not. I wish I could even be halfway through my trials but to be honest I donít even know where Iím at on the journey. Just when I think that Iím through them, a thought arises, a painful reminder pops up and I find myself battling to not sink in a river of defeat and despair.
I know Iím not in the shallow end of the river and I also know Iím not treading the depths of the deep quite yet. I suppose its somewhere in the middle that I am wading back and forth. You know the place, itís where youíre not deep enough to go under yet youíre not shallow enough to see beneath the surface and the water has risen to an uncomfortable height. Your feet can feel the ground but in one step the bottom could be gone and you could sink below the water, its hard to walk, Iím moving but not very fast, in fact it seems to be one small step at a time, my feet are weighed down and apprehensively feeling around the rocks and jagged stones that lay beneath them, they sink into the mire and I have to use every ounce of strength to not fall down or just to even stand.
The irony of it is, I know that I wont be staying here but even in knowing this it still seems overwhelming, it still feels isolated and panic often creeps in. Just momentary occurrences of looking around for something or someone to secure myself to but when I really look no one or nothing can help me, then in another moment I realize that my only anchor rests securely in Him. My hope rests in knowing that in order to cross this Jordan, I have to be in the water, in order to get to Canaan I have to get wet and muddy and in order for me to know Him, I have to take this step of faith and go it alone for this season. No inner tube, no boat not even a floating device, just me and my God.
No wonder He says the road is narrow and few find it. No wonder He says that only those with clean hands and a pure heart may ascend the hill of the Lord. No wonder only two made it into the Promised Land from the many that perished for their unbelief. Who in their right mind wants to lose their life? My flesh says not me but yet my spirit says; oh Lord I do, that I may gain my life that is hidden in Christ.
I have decided that Iím not going to build a house where I should be pitching a tent. I have made up my mind that no matter how long the process or what waves or currents try to take me away and lose my footing, no matter what circumstances present themselves, I choose to walk by faith and not by sight and I know that I donít walk alone and I am just passing through!