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Asking the Landlord about the Pet Deposit
by Julie Michaelson
04/25/08
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And God made the beasts
of the earth
according
to their kinds
and the cattle
according to their
kinds
and everything
that creeps upon
the ground
according
to its kind.
And
God saw
that it was
good.
[Genesis 1:25]
**************************
"Lord, why do You have
to be so MEAN?
(Look up.)
And, NASTY?"

"About what,
My precious."

"About PETS?"

"Ah.
[SOLEMN NOD.]
Yes, My beloved."

"What IS it, LORD?
Are You ALLERGIC?"

[CHUCKLE.]

"Ya don't like all the FUR?"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"Is it the PIDDLING?"

[LAUGH!]

"Are You afraid of scratches
on the THRONE?"

[SMILE.]

"Is it the CARPET CLEANING?
But, I thought all the flooring
up There: was, like......
GOLD TILE?"

[PATIENT SIGH.]

(Sorrowful frown.)
"Well.....suppose we all
give You a PET DEPOSIT?
What about THAT?"

[LAUGH!]

"It's not FUNNY, Lord!
This is very SERIOUS!
HEY! If we can't have
our ANIMALS up in
Heaven, then what's it
all ABOUT, ANYWAY?"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"I DON'T wanna meet
a whole bunch'a SAINTS!
ECH! ICH! UGH!"

"Well said, My beloved."

"WEll? It's TRUE!
Who wants to spend
ETERNITY with all that
PIOUSNESS? I couldn't
STAND IT!
ECH!"

[CHUCKLE.]

"Hey, gimme a bunch 'a
billy goats, ANY DAY!"

"What goats, child."

"Well....I KNOW You don't
like goats, LORD! Or,
PUPPIES! Or, CATS!"

"Why do you say that,
child."

"WELL? If You liked
them, You would've
devoted a whole BOOK
to it: how, everybody
was gonna be able to take
their PETS with them:
when they DIE!"

"Ah.
[PATIENT NOD.]
I see."

"Yeah, Lord! You could've
put it, right after the
Book of JONAH!"

[SMILE.]
"Why Jonah, child."

"Well.....it was about
WHALES!"

"Whale, child.
One whale."

(Shrug.)
(Pout.)
(Frown.)
"So.....I guess, HE'S
not gonna be up There,
EITHER! Huh, LORD?"

"Who, child."

"Jonah's WHALE!"

"It wasn't his pet,
child."

"How do YOU know?
Maybe, it WAS!"

"Go to sleep, child."

(Eyes closing.)
"But, this isn't the
END of it, Lord!
Not in the LEAST!
I PROTEST!"

[SLOW NOD.]
"Yes, child."

"You BET!
I'm gonna organize
a SIT IN!"

"Where, child."

"Right at the GATE!"

"Oy vey."

"That's RIGHT!"

"Oy."

"Till EVERY PET
is let IN!"

"Oy vey.
[PAUSE.]
Saint Peter's gonna
LOVE this."
**************************
And the Lord
spoke to the fish,
and it
vomited
Jonah
upon
the dry land.
[Jonah 2:10]














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