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The Softer Side of Sears
by Julie Michaelson
04/07/08
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Bring them here
to Me.
[Matthew 14:18]
*************************
"Well, child?"

"What?"

[ALL KNOWING NOD.]
"Nu?"

"WHAT?"

"So.
[PATIENT PAUSE.]
Why aren't you at the Bible study?"

"Oh."

[SMILE.]

"Eh........."

"Yes?"

"Eh......
(Pause.)
(Sip A&W rootbeer.)
I didn't like it."

"Why not, child."

"Eh.....I didn't like all the
questions."

[NOD.]
"Ah.
[SMILE.]
I see."

"Aw!
Come ON, Lord!
Gimme a BREAK!"

[PATIENT SIGH.]

"Hey!
You know I don't like all
those QUESTIONS."

"Like what, My precious."

"Like, eh.......
'So, what's your RELIGIOUS
BACKGROUND?'
(Grimmace.)
Stuff like that."

"Ah."

"Aw, come ON!
Who are we KIDDIN', here?"

"Not Me, child."

"HEY!
I didn't like all the QUESTIONS!"

[SLOW NOD.]

"Yeah, the second ya say;
'I'm Jewish',
they all look at you,
like they haven't seen a
MARTIAN, before."

[SYMPATHETIC NOD.]

"Yeah, remember when
I was younger, I used 'ta
lie about it? I used to
say I was Italian.....or,
Hispanic.
(Smile up at the air vent.)
The thing
is, it never worked.
For one thing,
this darn ACCENT always
gave me away!"

[CHUCKLE!]
"I know,
My beloved."

"Yeah; the thing is, after
age 50, ya stop lying about
yourself: it's too exhausting;
you're exhausted enough,
just gettin' UP in the morning."

[LAUGH!]

"I can't stand it, Lord;
especially, when they ask
me:
'How did you come to Christ?'.

[PATIENT FROWN.]
"They're just curious, child."

(Grimmace; this time up at
air conditioning vent.)
"Yeah. What I wanna say is;
'Hey, I was born in west Philly,
and here I am. That's it."
or,
'Well, I like Jesus because.....'"

"Yes, child?"

"Well, because....."

[PATIENT SILENCE.]
[SMILE.]

"Because.....okay.....
because..... He's like,
the Softer Side of Sears."

[BURST OUT LAUGHING!]

"WELL?
It's TRUE!"

[WIPE TEARS OF LAUGHTER!]

"Hey, LORD?"

"Yes, My beloved?"

"Ya think I should tell 'em
the TRUTH: that, I almost
flunked outta HEBREW school,
when I was ten years OLD?"

[CHUCKLE!]

"Well, THAT'S TRUE,
too!"

"Yes, My beloved."

"I dunno;
it just always looked like
boxes and dots, to me,
Lord."

[Oy vey.]
[SIGH.]

"Boxes and dots."

"Yes, My beloved."
[SIGH.]

"So much for my religious
background."

"Yes, My child."

"Hey, LORD?
Not to get off the subject,
or anything, but....."

"Yes, child?"

"Well, could You help
every American discover
a little bit 'a OIL in their BACKYARD?
Not Mazola, but the
Uncle JED* kind!
What d'Ya SAY?"

"No."

"See what I MEAN, Lord!
SEE!
That's why I turned to JESUS,
Lord! He IS the SOFTER SIDE!"

"I understand, Mein kinder."

"YEAH!"

[SLOW NOD.]
"There's just one thing, child.
[PAUSE.]
He ain't."
****************************
But Who do you say
that I am?
[Matthew 16:15]

__________________
(*Author's note: for those
of you under 49, look up
'The Beverly Hillbillies';
you'll get the whole story.)







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