I am walking Billy, my goat, and, as usual, I am accosted by a red-faced Silver Spring woman shouting at me for not picking up Billy's dung. Scratching Billy behind his erstwhile ears, I bend over and show the kind lady that my intent is honest and good and I begin to pick up the poop with my bare hands...
"CLEAR!"
Nope, still dead, I think. Or, at least, not quite alive and kicking. Old Billy's poop, as soon as I grasp it in my fingers, turns into campaign buttons of all the local politicians and all the others up for election. I hand the buttons over to the kind lady and she says, "Hmmm...these do stink a bit but I'll take them anyway...looks like they're the only ones we got so we might as well pick the ones with the least smell."
"CLEAR!"
Gagging inwardly but still showing no life, as far as I can tell. No beat. No pulse. No nothing. Billy sidles up to the kind lady and sniffs her button-belabored fingers. "Ah," Billy exclaims, "this always happens when there's an election of some sort or other going on around in these here parts! Boy, they sure do smell extra bad this year. These two [Billy sniffs at the Obama and Clinton buttons] really reek!"
"CLEAR!"
Finally, I feel movement. But it is not a beat nor a pulse. I sense it is the end. Yes, it is the end, actually, my rear end, as I feel the Obama and Clinton buttons shooting out of me in full force, with a McCain button popping through here and there. Oh boy, I finally feel...alive! Got that mess out of my system. But wait....what's this? Someone is putting a sheet over me. I hear someone else announce, "Time of death..."
It is very UNCLEAR to me as to what has just happened but I think I just died. It hits me clear as can be -- Billy must be playing a joke on me! Ha ha! Now where did Billy run off to? I begin to doze off and an old song goes on in my head, repeating itself over and over and over again:
[Sources for song cited below]
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .
You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .
Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
