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Pirates of the Mediterranean Blackheart's Brainstorm
by Tim Pickl 
02/18/08
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Pirates of the Mediterranean: Blackheart's Brainstorm

Characters:
PITBULL -- 21st century Oceanographer, Christian
CAPTAIN BLACKHEART/PUREHEART -- 17th century Pirate ship Captain
GREEK COAST GUARD VOICE -- 21st century sailor
ROMAN PRISON BARGE VOICE -- 1st century sailor
PIRATE VOICE/BURLY PIRATE #1 -- 17th century pirate
PIRATE VOICE/BURLY PIRATE #2 -- 17th century pirate
PAUL -- The great Apostle Paul, from the 1st century





Summary:
After traveling forward in time to the present, the mighty
17th century pirate ship Black Raven is caught by the Greek
(Hellenic) Coast Guard. They escape by going back in time--
too far back--to the first century. There they encounter
the prison barge that is transporting Paul the Apostle.


-------------------------------------------------------------


(Captain Blackheart stands center stage, rubbing his beard,
deep in thought. Pitbull walks up behind him, interrupting--)

PITBULL
Excuse me... Captain? Captain Blackheart?

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Aye?

PITBULL
May I make a suggestion, sir?

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
(pulls a sword) It must be yer lucky day, Pitbull!
Because I'm in a good mood. Otherwise I'd kill ye
where ye stand.

PITBULL
I've been praying for you, sir!
(pushes away the sword with his hand)
I see that God is working!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Har, har! Ye have a way with words, me little
scallywag. What is yer 'suggestion'?
'I'm listening' as ye would say!

PITBULL
Let's use the Brainstorm device again now while we're
out on the open sea!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Aye... I've been a-ponderin' the same thing...
amongst other things.

PITBULL
We can do this! I've already prayed about going
back in time. It's okay--

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
(frustrated) Arrrgh! (mocking) 'It's okay, it's okay!'
Pray as ye will, with all yer might!

PITBULL
Well? Can we try it?

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Yeah, yeah, yeah.... let's make it so!

(Pitbull and the Captain drag a suitcase 'chest' center
stage and open it and pull out a laptop computer).

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
'Tis a shame I killed the man who got us here
the second time we used it.

PITBULL
The 21st century is not all that bad!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
So ye say, so ye say. Most of the ships out here
are blasted metal beasts!

PITBULL
Sir, I really DO know how to use the device.

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Ye would know, wouldn't ye? We caught ye
in the water after we blew up that ex-ped, ex--

PITBULL
'Expedition' Ship! It's a ship we use to explore--

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Yeah, yeah, yeah--that's the one.
(motions to the laptop)
Go ahead, get on with it. But hurry!
I think I hear somethin' in the fog.

(Pitbull opens the laptop and hits the power button
and it begins to boot up--just then a voice can
be heard, off-stage)

GREEK COAST GUARD VOICE
Unidentified Vessel! Unidentified Vessel!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Arrrrgh! What now!

GREEK COAST GUARD VOICE
Unidentified Vessel: This is the Hellenic Coast Guard!
Identify yourselves or prepare to be boarded!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Pitbull, get that blasted thing runnin'!
We need to get out of here.

PITBULL
I'm workin on it....

(The laptop display is simultaneously projected
on the screen by the stage)

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Well--work faster! They're comin', matey!

PITBULL
Okay, okay. Hold your horses! I have the Brainstorm TDA--
Time Displacement Application up and running....

GREEK COAST GUARD VOICE
(louder) Unidentified Vessel: This is the Hellenic
Coast Guard! Identify yourselves or prepare to be boarded!

(White narrow spotlight pans across the audience)

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
They're gettin' closer!

PITBULL
I just need to enter the Year. What year do you want
to jump to?

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
(puts one hand over his eyes, squinting)
Ahhhh.... 1760. I long to see me lady again.

(We hear a large crash and both men fall over)

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
(getting up) Blasted! They rammed us! Get that
thing runnin' NOW!
(the Captain jams the keyboard with his fingers)

PITBULL
Oh no! Look what you did! I only entered--

(lights out as we hear tornado-type sounds....then it stops...
lights back on. The men look one way, then the other way)

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Where are we now? What were ye going to say?

PITBULL
The question is WHEN are we now!?
(looks down at the laptop then back up at Captain Blackheart)
60....I only entered 60 for the year. You probably deleted
the '17'--

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Arrrrgh! I ought to kill ye now-- But I need ye to get back
to me time.

PITBULL
What's that? (points toward the audience)

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Shiver me timbers! 'Tis an ancient ship....Roman I believe.
Let's meet our ancient friends.
(yells) Ahoy! Get alongside the vessel to port!

PITBULL
Are you crazy? The Romans were a mighty empire--

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
I am not crazy! (reaches for his sword, then looks Pitbull
in the eye and smiles big) Do ye want me to be crazy?

PITBULL
Oh--no, no, no sir. You know what you are doing.

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
How right ye are there! Put the device back in the chest--
(walks to the front edge of the stage)
(yells) Roman Ship! Give us here all yer booty,
or prepare to be destroyed!
(then, more softly to his crew)
Big guns at the ready--

ROMAN PRISON BARGE VOICE
(Off-stage) We are a prison barge! We have no treasure!
Only prisoners!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
LIARS! All ships have booty! (rubs his black beard)
What prisoners are in yer hold?

ROMAN PRISON BARGE VOICE
Christians! Blasphemers of Caesar and the Great Roman Empire!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Ha! Christians!? Name one!

ROMAN PRISON BARGE VOICE
We only have one! Paul! Paul the Great Blasphemer!

PITBULL
Sir--that would be the great Saint Paul!
He wrote most of the New Testament!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
(to Pitbull) I know who he is! (then loudly to the Romans)
Prepare to hand Saint Paul over to us now!

ROMAN PRISON BARGE VOICE
(pauses, then) We will not hand him over!
We answer only to Caesar! We are leaving!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
(Spins around) Fire the guns--
BUT only run a shot across the bow!

PIRATE VOICE #1
(off-stage) Fire in the hole! Fire in the hole!

(We hear cannon sounds, explosions for several seconds--
smoke special effects)

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Thar! Look over thar! They threw him overboard!
Bring the ship closer to the prisoner! Heave to!

(Paul is brought up on stage via a rope...
his hair, and costume are wet)

PITBULL
Brother Paul! (runs toward him) It is so good to meet you--

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
(pushes Pitbull down) Arrrgh! Get outta the way!
(then, to Paul) So ye are the famous Paul the Blasphemer,
the Hunted Christian?

PAUL
I am.

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Aye, and so ye are, so ye are. I am Captain Blackheart,
the fearless and blackhearted one, or so they say!
Welcome aboard the Black Raven. (looks up and around)
She's a fine ship, she is.

PITBULL
(interrupts) We're not from this time--we're from the--

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Enough! Down to the bilge with him!

(Two burly Pirates appear and drag Pitbull off-stage)

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Put Master Pitbull in his little cage! Arrrgh!

PIRATE VOICE #1
(off-stage) Captain! They're headin' right for us!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Arrrgh! Big guns at the ready, and fire 'em all!
Destroy them!

PIRATE VOICE #2
Fire in the hole! Fire in the hole!

(We hear cannon sounds, explosions for several seconds--
smoke special effects)

PIRATE VOICE #2
Direct hit! They're sinkin'!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Excellent, most excellent! Dead men tell no tales--
(turns to Paul)
Come aside with me, I have questions for ye.
(they walk together to one side of the stage)

PAUL
What questions do you have sir?

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
What's yer story, sir Paul? I only heared
parts of it from the Bible stories
pitiful Pitbull tells.

PAUL
The Bible? Wait-- You do not need to explain.
It's no matter. (takes a deep breath)
Five different times the Jewish leaders gave me
thirty-nine lashes.

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Arrrgh! I wish they were here now, I would--

PAUL
Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned.
This is the third time I was shipwrecked.

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Third time, ey?

PAUL
Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea.

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Aye, I've been thar--

PAUL
I have traveled on many long journeys. I have faced
danger from rivers and from robbers. I have faced
danger from my own people, the Jews, as well as from
the Gentiles. Captain, am I in danger here?

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Yer safe on me ship--

PAUL
What other questions do you have, sir?

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
I've been a-ponderin' many things master Paul for
many years.
(he rubs his beard again, thoughtfully)
I spent a lot of time buildin' this ship
and keepin' her runnin'. 'Tis a rough life...

PAUL
You have a mighty ship, indeed. But I know of One
mightier than all the ships or men on the sea--

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
That's what I've been a-ponderin'....What's the point
of it all? of life? I want to change.
Help me understand, me friend, for I am ignorant.

PAUL
God overlooked people’s ignorance about these things
in earlier times, but now He commands everyone
everywhere to repent of their sins and turn to Him.

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Commands it, ey? Repent? How do I do this, me matey?

(As Paul answers, Captain Blackheart bows his head)

PAUL
Pray and ask the Lord Jesus. You will feel such sorrow
for your sins you will seek to turn and change your life
for the better. Then, the Lord commands that we be baptized!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Thank ye, Thank ye sir Paul. (wipes tears from his eyes)
Ol' Pitbull told me about baptism, too!
We'll head for land! Ye can baptize me thar.

PAUL
Hallelujah! I pray the Lord will rescue you as He has
rescued me from every evil attack and bring you safely
to his heavenly kingdom. To Him be glory for ever
and ever! Amen!

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Amen! Har-har! I feel like a new man!
(Paul reaches to embrace him)
What? Oh, why not? (they embrace)

PAUL
Oh, and one more thing, sir.

CAPTAIN BLACKHEART
Name it!

PAUL
YOU will have new name. I once was Saul, which means
'asked of God', but when Jesus found me, he renamed
me Paul, which means 'humble'.
(Paul grabs the Captain's upper arms and
looks him in the eye)
Captain Blackheart, because you have humbled yourself
in the sight of the Lord, from this day forward you
will be known in all the Mediterranean and in every
generation as Captain Pureheart!

CAPTAIN PUREHEART
Aye, and so it is, so it is! Har-har-harrrr!
HARlelujah!

(The men embrace again, laughing with great joy. Close curtain)

PIRATE VOICE #1
(off-stage) Laaaaaand ho-o-o-o-oh!


-end-




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--bro. tim pickl
Monday February 18, 2008 A.D.




reference:
Corinthians 11:24-26 (New Living Translation)
24 Five different times the Jewish leaders gave me thirty-nine lashes.
25 Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I
was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. 26
I have traveled on many long journeys. I have faced danger from rivers
and from robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the Jews, as
well as from the Gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the
deserts, and on the seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to
be believers but are not.

Acts 17:30-31 (New Living Translation)
“God overlooked people’s ignorance about these things in earlier times,
but now he commands everyone everywhere to repent of their sins and
turn to him. 31 For he has set a day for judging the world with justice
by the man he has appointed, and he proved to everyone who this is by
raising him from the dead.”


2 Timothy 4:17-19 (New Living Translation)
the Lord will deliver me from every evil attack and will bring me
safely into his heavenly Kingdom. All glory to God forever and ever!
Amen.


Titus 1:15 (New Living Translation)
Everything is pure to those whose hearts are pure. But nothing is pure
to those who are corrupt and unbelieving, because their minds and
consciences are corrupted.


Matthew 23:12 (New Living Translation)
But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble
themselves will be exalted.





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Member Comments
Member Date
LauraLee Shaw 20 Feb 2008
This is AMAAAAzing! How long did it take you to think this up? I laughed out loud several times, love the dialogue and the humor mixed in. The "HAR-lelujah" at the end had me doubled over. Well done.




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