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Bad Figs and Bad Grammar
by Julie Michaelson
01/29/08
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[Author's note: I've had
some complaints about my poor
usage of apostrophes, and
commas. Tough. I ain't gettin'
paid for this stuff. As Mick Jager
used 'ta say:
'You don't always get what
you want.']
_______________________
And the Lord
said to me,
What do you see, Jeremiah?
I said ,
Figs, the good figs very good,
and the bad figs very bad,
so bad that they cannot be eaten.
[Jeremiah 24:3]
************************
"Hey, Lord?"

"Yes, My beloved?"

"You're grammar's real bad here,
Lord. There's no verbs.
Shouldn't it say,
'The good figs ARE very good.'
and
'the bad figs ARE very bad.'?"

[NOD.]

"WELL?
What do You have to say
for Yourself?"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"Aren't You being, like,
a bad ROLE model, here?"

"Whom AM I, child?"

"Eh...........the One Who created
the whole UNIVERSE?"

[SLOW NOD.]

"Yeah, but that's no big
deal, nowadays. Heck,
they got folks brushin' their
teeth up in space, and
clonin' people, over in
Europe. Aren't they
talkin' about cloning
humans and animals,
TOGETHER, now?
OY VEY!"

"Oy vey, Mein kinderlah."

"Sure thing, Lord.
'Ya know, I bet the sun
wasn't even that hard 'ta
make. Wasn't it just, like,
a bunch 'a nuclear EXPLOSIONS?"

"Something like that,
My precious."

"Well, like I said........
so far, I haven't been
that impressed by
most 'a Your creations;
I mean, just look at ME."

"I am looking at you,
My precious."

"Uh oh.
When You say 'My precious',
that means I'm in trouble."

[LAUGH!]

"Seriously, Lord....."

"Nu, Mein Kinder?"

"How come the figs in
Your Book are always
going BAD? I don't
UNDERSTAND?
What's with these figs,
anyway?"

[PATIENT SILENCE.]

"Maybe, they just needed
to be refrigerated."

[PATIENT NOD.]

"Or, maybe, they just
had a short growing time -
You know - like, ME."

"No, Mein kinderlah."

"Huh?"

"No, My precious.
[SMILE.]
You have a very long
growing time."
***************************
Then the word of the Lord
came to me......
Like these good figs,
so I will regard as good
the exiles from Judah,
whom I have sent away
from this place to the land
of the Chaldeans.
I will set My eyes upon
them for good,
and I will bring them
back to this land.
[Jeremiah 24:4-6]
____________________
[Author's note:
P.S. And I DO have
a Masters degree from
the University of Texas.
P.S.S. There's some
Yiddish mixed in with my
stuff, too. If you
don't know what it means,
look it up.]





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