If you walk in My statutes
and observe My Commandments
and do them, then I will
give you your rains in their season......
....if you walk contrary to Me,
and will not harken to Me,
I will bring more plagues
upon you, sevenfold........
Characters: author (Ms. J),
a slovenly angel of Heaven - who
sings off-key, eats too many
breakfast donuts, and has dropped
his harp more than once.
"It's me: Humphrey."
(author opens door just a slit.)
"Gosh, Humphrey! What TIME is it?
It's not EVEN........"
"Seven o'clock in the morning.
Open up, Ms. J! I gotta'
a Special Delivery!"
(Author gathers tatty robe about
her, and shivers a bit.)
"What's goin' on? Have you gotten
kicked off Trumpet Call, already?
Humphrey, I told you, all you have to
do is practice more......"
"No, oh, no! It's nothing like THAT!
No, I was just sent here to deliver
your welcoming packet."
(Author feels a weighty manilla
envelope being transferred from
Humphrey's plump hands to her own -
she immediately bristles.)
"What the........eh, HECK, is THIS?"
"Your welcoming packet, Ms. J.
Everybody get's'em, though, I
think you gotta' couple extra
papers inside. "
(Author frowns, visibly, and
rolls her eyes. It's a habit leftover
from her earthly years, and it seems
to be a hard one to leave behind.)
"Oy! What NOW? Didn't I have
to fill out ENOUGH papers, when
I got HERE? I felt like I was signing
the Declaration of Independence!
"What's 'sat? Well, anyhow, here
are some more forms, and the
usual lists of do's and don'ts.
But, I think these lists get updated
weekly: sometimes, biweekly.
It all depends on the Lord, of course."
"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS, Humphrey!
What kind'a Heaven is THIS? I thought
It was supposed to be PARADISE!"
"Oh! It's wonderful, isn't it, Ms. J?
Listen, I gotta' go! Wanna' grab
some donuts before bugal call! Will
I see 'ya over there? You shouldn't
miss bugal call; it's the best time
of the day!"
"Bugal call? BUGAL call? Where ARE
we: at Girl Scout Camp? Humphrey,
forget about it! I ain't goin' to no
BUGAL call. I'm goin' back to bed!"
"Oh, no, Ms. J. You're gonna' have
a hard time doin' that: what with the
Light, and all."
"But, it's light out ALREADY!
I slept with my pillow over my
eyes, all last night! Is there any way I
can get the light turned down around my
place? It's ridiculous; I'm havin'
trouble gettin' to sleep!"
(Poor Humphrey looks perturbed.
He takes out a soiled handkerchief,
and wipes his sweaty brow.)
Well, I guess you can fill out the
Complaint Form No. 562. Or, is
it No. 783? I can't remember much,
before I've had my pre Bugal Call
"Oh, I don't need a form. I'll just
run over to the Throne Room, after
breakfast. All I have to do is......"
(A sharp intake of breath,
sounding like the last gasp of air,
freezes poor Humphrey's plump
and sweaty face.)
"Oh.......NO, Ms. J! You can't do
THAT! Uh, UH! For THAT, you
gotta' fill out Form No. 974A.
Or, is it B? I gotta' ask my pal,
Joach, on the way to breakfast.
He works up at the Front Office."
"Neah. That's silly, Humphrey!
You don't hav'ta go to all that
TROUBLE. After breakfast,
I'll just take a stroll over to
the Main Gate. Somebody'll
point the way to the Throne
Room. 'Can't be THAT far."
(Humphrey has to sit down,
which is difficult: his wings
are plump, and hard to fold.
Unbeknownst to humans,
angels not only can gain
weight, but often gain it in the
most unsightly places.)
"Ms. J! You can't do THAT!
You can't just STROLL into
the THRONE Room! NOBODY
can do that! There are RULES
"HUMPHREY! I'm one of the
CHOSEN! Don't worry 'bout it!
I got the RUN of the Place!
Are you kiddin'?
I can do whatever I WANT,
Humphrey! Heck, soon I'll be......."
[SUDDENLY, A WOSH OF
COLD, DAMP AIR SLAMS
THE FRONT DOOR. AUTHOR'S
HEAVY PACKET OF PAPERS
FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND
OPENS: LISTS, AND MORE
LISTS OF RULES AND
SCATTER ABOUT THE FLOOR.
THERE'S THE UNDENIABLE SOUND
OF A DOOR LOCKING.]
"WHAT was that, Lord?"
(Humphrey leans forward,
and cups one plump hand
to his small, right ear.
He appears to be concentrating,
all the while nodding his curly
head, very solemnly: even his
dusty halo bobs up and down.
Suddenly, his big eyes open
wide, and he turns to look
abruptly at his new pal.)
"Sure, Lord. Okay!
I understand! Consider it DONE!
You can COUNT on me!"
[COLD, DAMP AIR
IS GONE. BUT, DOOR
"HEY! What's goin' ON?"
(Author goes over to door,
and tries pulling it open.
But, it won't budge.)
"Sorry, Ms. J."
(Humphrey remains sitting;
his curly head now shaking
slowly, and resignedly.)
"What's a' matter, Humphey?
What's goin' ON?"
"I gotta' new assignment."
"Yeah? What's all this
(Humphrey frowns, and pulls
out a handful of buttered
popcorn out of his left gown
pocket. He stops shaking his
head, just long enough to
stuff the kernels into his
mouth. Then, he looks up
at his hapless new pal.)
"I gotta' STAY here with you,
Ms. J, and help you MEMORIZE
ALL the LISTS a'
REGULATIONS in this PACKET.
(Humphrey points to mound
of scattered papers on the floor.)
THAT'S my orders!
You ain't goin' nowhere till'
it's DONE. And, there's
gonna' be a TEST, next Tuesday!"
(Author sinks to floor, sitting
abruptly on a pile of papers.)
I'm in HEAVEN, alright!"
These are the statutes
and ordinances and laws
which the Lord made between
Him and the people of Israel
on Mount Sinai by Moses.
I am the Lord.
In Memory: Mommy and Daddy,
two of God's Chosen.
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