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Sanford and Son Esther's Story
by Tim Pickl 
10/13/07
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Sanford and Son:
Esther’s Story







Characters:
Fred Sanford / Kingpin AhaSanfordus
Lamont Sanford / “HeyMan” Hammond
Esther Anderson / Esther
Grady Wilson/ Morty K, Private Eye
Donna Harris / Vashtina Aha-Sanfordus


Sets/Scenes:
Hospital Scene
Throne Scene
Living Room at the Salvage Yard Scene















by Tim Pickl


---Rough Draft---
September 2007 A.D.

Act 1 - Scene 1 – Hospital Scene

-----------------------------------------------------------
Sound: Sanford and Son Theme music
Curtain opens, after the opening theme music.
Sound Effects: medical machines beeping and Sanford and Son television show, in the background
Fred is in a hospital gown, under a blanket, lying on a hospital bed center stage, resting
Enter Esther and Lamont, who stop and stand outside of a “door”, stage left
-----------------------------------------------------------

LAMONT
Aunt Esther, you can’t go in there now, Pop is sleepin’.

ESTHER
I can go in, and I will! (tries the door, but it will not open)
Hey, why’s this door locked? (yells) Nurse?! Hey Nurse!

LAMONT
Aunt Esther, hush, he’s tryin’ to sleep!

ESTHER
(knocks loudly) Fred, wake up. I need to talk to you.

FRED
(groggy at first, then answers) Who is it?

ESTHER
It's Esther!

FRED
Esther who?

ESTHER
You know Esther who! Open this door, fool!

FRED
I can't open the door!

ESTHER
Why not?

FRED
You too ugly!

ESTHER
Oh, come on! I really need to talk to you.


-----------------------------------------------------------
Sound Effect: toilet flushing
Enter Grady Wilson who walks across stage
-----------------------------------------------------------

GRADY
Fred, who’s makin’ all that noise out there?

FRED
It’s just Godzilla and the Big Dummy—but wait, don’t answer it—

GRADY
Oh, Fred, they don’t mean you no harm. (opens the “door”, and lets Lamont and Esther in)

ESTHER
Hallelujah! Finally someone has some sense around here. Why’d you lock the door?

LAMONT
Yeah, Grady, what if there was an emergency or somethin’?

FRED
(mocking Lamont) ‘What if there was an emergency or somethin’ – Lamont, you big dummy,
Can’t you see I’m in the hospital? I need my privacy, especially away from you two.

ESTHER
Oh, Fred! I really need to speak with you (looks at Lamont and Grady) – alone.

FRED
Why, you wanna finish me off with no witnesses? Oh, (grabs his chest) oh…
This is the biggest one I ever had. (looks up to heaven)
You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin’ to join you honey! Oh, oh…..

LAMONT
Oh Pop, cut that out. Just listen to Aunt Esther.

ESTHER
Ok, now. Just hush-up-in-your-mouth and listen for a minute: We prayed at church for you, Fred. And we know that Jesus healed you!

LAMONT
Hey Pop, Didya hear that?

FRED
I heard. I have to admit, I do feel a little better now.
(swings his feet out of the bed, and as he stands, he throws off his hospital gown to reveal street clothes!)

ESTHER
(surprised, she goes to hit Fred with her purse) Mr. Fred Sanford, how could you worry us all?

FRED
Hey, I’m a junk man, so I like junk food, and this hospital is the best place for junky food!

GRADY
(laughing) Freddy, you’re just too much.

LAMONT
Why’s that, Grady?

GRADY
He had me spoon feedin’ him just before you came here!

ESTHER
Well, now that you’re feelin’ much better, Fred. I need your help.
We’ve been workin’ on a play at church, based on the book of Esther.

FRED
I know, I saw King Kong last night, and now they got a book about you, too?

ESTHER
No, goofball, Esther is a book in the Bible. I need your help with the script.
And we also want you to be in the play—

FRED
Okay. I’m listenin’. Whadda you got?

ESTHER
Here… (she starts to hand him a copy of the script from her purse.)

FRED
So this is what you were goin’ to kill me with?

LAMONT
Just look at it, Pop.

FRED
I am, Lamont, you Big Dummy! Gimme that! (he grabs the script from her hand)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Curtain closes as Fred starts to read the story.
Set Change: Throne Room
Curtain Open: Fred is sitting in the throne, center stage
-----------------------------------------------------------

Act 1 - Scene 2 – Throne Room Scene

FRED
I wanna be the king! (looks at the script in his hand) But, this is too hard to read--
all these “thees” and “thous” -- I can’t even pronounce these names!

ESTHER (enters stage right)
Thanks Fred for comin’ out to practice. We all appreciate it very much (motions to the audience). The rest of the cast will be here in just a few minutes: I got a call on my cell
from Lamont. Okay, first things first: did you read the whole script?

FRED
Yes, ma’am, I did. But—

ESTHER
But what?

-----------------------------------------------------------
Enter Lamont, Grady and Donna
-----------------------------------------------------------

FRED
But—

LAMONT
What Pop is tryin’ to say is he doesn’t like the script because he can’t pronounce the names!

FRED
Thanks Lamont. For a Big Dummy, you sure know how to clean your foot!

GRADY
Well Fred, how would you change it?

FRED
Wilfred? I ain’t no Wilfred, O-Grady-Bunch!

DONNA
Yeah, Fred, maybe you wanna make it more modern?

ESTHER
Okay Fred, how would you read it?

FRED
(clutches the script, and squints at it) All right, all right. From the top:
Let’s change the names of these characters….
I will be King (mispronounces it badly) Ahasuerus but we’ll change it to Kingpin AhaSanfordus;
and Lamont will play Haman but let’s change it to “Hey Man” Hammond; and
Grady will play (mispronounces it badly) Mordecai but we’ll change it to Morty K, Private Eye; and Donna will play Vashti but let’s change it to Vashtina and
Esther well….she will play her Godzilla self—just plain ol’ Esther!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Close curtain
Set Change: Living Room at the Salvage Yard; use the throne as Fred’s chair
Open Curtain
Fred/ KingPin is sitting on the throne/main chair in the Living Room
Music: As the curtain opens, play the Sanford and Son theme again
-----------------------------------------------------------


Act 2 - Scene 1 – Salvage Yard Living Room Scene 1

FRED / KINGPIN
I just love this music. Turn it up!
It is like sweet dark chocolate to my KingPin ears—
(he strokes his right ear with his right hand)

-----------------------------------------------------------
Lamont/Hey Man enters
-----------------------------------------------------------

FRED / KINGPIN
Hey Man my man Hammond! Wassup?

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
Hey my Man, KingPin AhaSanfordus!
We need to talk like soon, hey man, That’s wassup!

FRED / KINGPIN
Okay, but hold on just a minute. I wannna present to you and to my entire KingPinly
audience (motions to the crowd) my new, fine, oh so fine, beauty queen, Vashtina!
(cups his hands) Yo, Vashtina!? Scooby Doo--Where are you? Come and display
your royal beauty for my royal guests!


DONNA / VASHTINA
(off stage) NO! NO WAY! I refuse! I will not come out there and make a fool of myself – not for you—not for anyone!

FRED / KINGPIN
(to Hey Man) I thought something was up with her, when she was out shopping the past 7 days.
(loudly:) You have chosen, unwisely, my queen. (turns to Hey Man)
Hey Man, my man, Hammond. Can you start the divorce papers?
(he hands him a piece of paper)

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
Anything for you, my Man, KingPin AhaSanfordus!

FRED / KINGPIN
Hey-hey: I promote you right-now-today as my Senior Attorney!
Also, I declare on this day in the old’ junkyard that I will find a new queen for my house!

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
Hey man, it’s just like they say, ‘So let it be written, so let it be done.’
(pulls out a piece of paper) Hey man, could you sign this?

-----------------------------------------------------------
Close curtain.
Optional: Intermission
-----------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------
Open curtain.
Fred is sitting on his throne/main chair in the living room, reading a newspaper
Sound Effect: television is on in the background, watching The Ten Commandments movie
Sound Effect: someone knocking on the door
-----------------------------------------------------------

Act 2 - Scene 2 – Salvage Yard Living Room Scene 2


FRED / KINGPIN
(puts his paper down) Oh no, who is it now?
I shoulda kept ol’ teeny tiny Vashtina as a maid!
(gets up off of his chair and goes to answer ‘the door’, and opens it)

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
Mr. KingPin, your highness, most appreciated AhaSanfordus in the ‘hood, sir--

FRED / KINGPIN
(glowing with all the praise) How may I be of assistance to you today, sir?
GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
Good Morning, sir. My name is Morty K, Private Eye. Word is on the street that you, Mr. KingPin, your highness, most appreciated AhaSanfordus in the ‘hood, sir, are seeking a new Queen for your fine junkly kingdom of salvage.

FRED / KINGPIN
And this is news to me, why?

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
(comes right out and says it) May I present to you my niece, Haddocksa!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Enter Esther via the ‘door’
-----------------------------------------------------------

FRED / KINGPIN
(looks at her, amazed) Most impressive. I will take her!

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
Oh, thank you, thank you Mr. KingPin, your highness, most appreciated AhaSanfordus in the ‘hood, sir. I know you will not be disappointed.

FRED / KINGPIN
But the name sounds fishy. I will rename her to… (looks at the tv)…Hmmmm….
Ester C sounds good but it’s too long. Esther! That’s it. Just plain ol’ Esther.

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
Oh, thank you, thank you Mr. KingPin, your highness, most appreciated AhaSanfordus in the ‘hood, sir.

FRED / KINGPIN
And you, fine sir, I hire right-now-today to be my doorkeeper. Mr. Private Eye:
I need someone to watch the door!

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
Oh, thank you, thank you Mr. KingPin, your highness—

FRED / KING PIN
And stop calling me all those names: Just call me KingPin. Take Esther away and prepare her our wedding!

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
Oh, yes, yes sir Mr. KingPin, sir.



-----------------------------------------------------------
Grady/Morty K, Private Eye walks off stage through the middle of the audience
Enter Lamont / Hey Man Hammond, walking slowly toward him with a briefcase in his hand
-----------------------------------------------------------

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
What’s this? (bends down to pick up a piece of paper, and begins to read it)
ORDER from the KingPin—when you see Hey Man Hammond, you
must bow down and shine his shoes. This is not right, I will not bow down to him.

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
Hey my man, can’t you read and can’t you see (holds out his foot)
Bow down now and start shinin’!

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
Never! I will not bow down to you. You are a con – just a fake and a fraud.

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
Hey-hey-hey! Wait ‘til KingPin hears ‘bout this! It’s curtains for you.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Exit Grady / Morty K., Private Eye
Lamont / Hey Man Hammond walks up on the stage, and storms through the ‘door’
-----------------------------------------------------------

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
(urgently) Hey my Man, KingPin AhaSanfordus! we need to talk like soon, like NOW.

FRED / KINGPIN
Well, it’s good to see you too, Hey man, Hammond my man. Wassup?

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
This is wassup, KingPin--
(slams his briefcase on a nearby coffee table and opens it and takes out some papers)
A rival business developer in this area wants to tear down this entire block a build a bunch of stores—

FRED / KINGPIN
You mean they wanna tear down my junkyard?

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
Yessir, that’s what I’m sayin’. They wanna run you outta town.
(he pauses)



FRED / KINGPIN
Unbelievable! This is unacceptable! I can’t….I can’t believe it. My junkyard….my beautiful junkyard. (turns to Hey Man) Is there any way we can fight ‘em?

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
Oh yes, yes sir. Just sign this (hands him one of the papers, along with a pen)

FRED / KINGPIN
(signs it) Okay, here you go. I hope that’s the end of that.

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
Oh yes, yes sir. It will be. It very well will be.
(walks out of the ‘door’, and pulls out his cell phone)
It’s a go! I will meet you over there in 2 hours. Oh, and one more thing.
Set it up so that Morty K, Private Eye’s car is destroyed at the same time, too.
Good day! (snaps the phone off).

-----------------------------------------------------------
Close curtain
Spotlight on Esther, in front of the stage, hurriedly talking to Grady / Morty K Private Eye
-----------------------------------------------------------

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
Haddocksa! I mean, Esther! I need to talk to you, right now.

ESTHER
Hi Uncle Morty K! What’s up?

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
Word is on the street that Hey Man Hammond—

ESTHER
You mean that nasty rat that KingPin promoted?

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
Yes, that’s the one. Hey Man is going to have our entire apartment complex destroyed.
He just got KingPin to sign the Demolition Order. All of the ‘Projects’ will be gone!
The urgent thing is it’s gonna to happen in just a little while. Haddocksa…Esther (he looks her in the eye), we need you to go to KingPin AhaSanfordus, for all of us here in the Projects.
You are our only hope.

ESTHER
But, Uncle Morty K, I’m not ready—

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
God has called you, Esther, for such a time as this. Fear not: go now, and Godspeed!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Esther and Grady/Morty K. walk onstage --
Open curtain
Fred / KingPin is sitting on his throne again, this time sideways, reading a book –
Grady / Morty K. Private Eye, stands at the ‘door’ watching, and nervously waiting
Esther stands outside of the ‘door’
Sound Effect: someone knocking at the door
-----------------------------------------------------------

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
May I answer the door, Master KingPin?

FRED / KINGPIN
What? (looks up, distracted from his book) Oh yeah, sure.

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
You may enter now, my lady (motions her in).

ESTHER
(calls from the entranceway) May I approach the throne, your majesty?

FRED / KINGPIN
What? What’d she say? (pulls out a pen from behind his ear)

ESTHER
(calls from the entranceway again) May I approach the throne, your majesty?

FRED / KINGPIN
(he points and motions at her with the pen) Oh yeah, yes, yes my queen, come on in!

ESTHER
Thank you, thank you my majesty. I have urgent information to speak with you about.

FRED / KINGPIN
Okay, I give in. I can’t even begin to guess….Wassup?

ESTHER
Hey Man Hammond has been lyin’ you! You signed a Demolition Order—
NOT a lawsuit to block the demolition of your building. Soon my apartment
will be destroyed and the Projects will no longer exist. Hundreds of family
and friends will be homeless.
The wrecking equipment will be there in just a little while –




FRED / KINGPIN
Whoa! Hold on, wait just a minute. (stands up) Morty K.: toss me my cell phone
(catches it and he dials a number) Is this Big Dummy’s Demolition?
Okay, I will hold…(covers the phone) What time is this going to happen?
(uncovers the phone) YES: This is the KingPin AhaSanfordus. When are you--
right now!? Oh no you’re not! All bets are off. I order you to stop, stop right now!
(snaps the phone off and it begins to ring—the ringtone is the Sanford and Son theme song)
Yes, wassup? Interesting…. extremely interesting… Can you bring the wrecker here?
Hey, I appreciate it. Thanks man.(snaps the phone off again) Hey-- I got one more call to make.
(Opens the phone and dials it) Hey Man my man Hammond! Could you please
stop by, like now? I have a gift for you. (snaps the phone off again the second time)
Esther, my Beautiful Queen: sit down and relax. We will soon be having a guest.

ESTHER
Thank you, thank you, my King. May I get you something to drink or eat?

FRED / KINGPIN
No, not right now, my Queen—besides, I would never let you serve me that way.
That’s what Mr. Eye is for!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Sound Effect: car door slamming, then--
Sound Effect: someone knocking at the door
-----------------------------------------------------------

FRED / KINGPIN
Answer the door, Morty K., and let him in!

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
With pleasure, sir.

FRED / KINGPIN
Hey Man my man Hammond! Come on in, and sit down.
Everyone, please, please gather around. I have an announcement. (starts pacing)
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and I wanna let the cat outta the bag today.
I need someone to be my Sub-KingPin--my Vice KingPin—you know,
my second in command….you know, just in case something would happen to me.
(at this point Hey Man begins to smile real big, beaming)
I need someone I can trust: a man who will think and act like me in any given
situation—someone who can take over my Kingdom of Junk in a moment’s notice.
And—

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
Oh, thank you my man, thank you, thank you—


-----------------------------------------------------------
Sound Effects: large truck diesel engine getting louder, then air brakes, then beep, beep, beeping
-----------------------------------------------------------

FRED / KINGPIN
Oh, shut up, you Big Dummy! (turns to Morty K)
Morty K., Private Eye: YOU are my man! And now for your first assignment:
please lead Hey Man to the door to look outside: I have a present for him—

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
(grabs Hey Man by the arm) Let’s go—
(together they walk to the door) and look out there--

-----------------------------------------------------------
Sound Effect: smashing sound of a car getting crushed
-----------------------------------------------------------

LAMONT / HEY MAN HAMMOND
NO! OH NO! Not my new Mercedes CL-600!
Why? Who? What’s goin’ on?

FRED / KINGPIN
(laughs out loud) I know what you tried to do, Hey Man. It didn’t work!
Morty K., please escort this con artist to the corner. He can walk home through the ‘hood!

GRADY / MORTY K, PRIVATE EYE
With pleasure, sir. With pleasure.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Close curtain.
Set Change: back to the Hospital Room
-----------------------------------------------------------


Act 3 - Scene 1 – Hospital Scene 2

-----------------------------------------------------------
Sound Effects: medical machines beeping
Esther is in a hospital gown, under a blanket, lying on a hospital bed center stage, sleeping
Fred is in a chair next to the bed, holding her hand.
-----------------------------------------------------------

FRED
Oh Esther, I can’t stand to see you in here like this. Dear God (looks up into heaven)
if there’s any way You can heal her, please save her, please. (puts his head down).
Please…
ESTHER
(opens her eyes, takes her hand out of her Fred’s hand, then gently touches his head)
Fred Sanford, I always knew you cared—that deep down you really love me.

FRED
(looks around) Yes Esther, I guess I do love you. I do.

ESTHER
Thank You Jesus! (with tears and wipes his eyes) We were both just too stubborn to admit it.

FRED
(wipes his eyes, too) Will you marry me? Will you really be my Queen for real?

ESTHER
(swings her feet out of the bed, and as she stands, she throws off her hospital gown to reveal street clothes!) I thought you’d never ask! (she walks toward Fred)

FRED
(surprised, he grabs his chest, stepping backward a couple of steps)
Oh, Oh, I guess I did, didn’t I?!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Enter Lamont, Grady and Donna from all sides, with cameras, flashing!
-----------------------------------------------------------

ESTHER
Yes, Fred, yes! I will marry you! (laughs, giddily) This is so wonderful!
Hallelujah! Thank You Jesus! Thank You Jesus!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Esther goes to Fred and hugs him as the curtain closes
Sound: Sanford and Son Theme music
-----------------------------------------------------------

FRED
(behind the curtain) Hey Esther can we use that music for our wedding?

ESTHER
Anything for you, my Kingpin AhaSanfordus! Aha!

FRED
Aha!

-----------------------------------------------------------
All of the cast laughs.
-----------------------------------------------------------

CURTAIN CALL

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lighting: All white…for the Curtain Call
Stage: empty Stage
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE ENTIRE CAST
(pointing upwards toward heaven) “TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!”



-end-


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