Ned Lefferton Presents: A Gal, A Feller, A Flat Tar
by Kenny Blade
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They wuz a flutterin’ in her lower bowels as she thought o’er tha evenin’ that’us comin’ up. She stuck her long decaf coffee colored hair up inna wooden clothespin whut had been painted pink tah match her perty dress ‘at her granmaw had sewed fer tha occasion.
She wuz in love with ‘at feller. She knowed it tha first time she got a flat tar on her Nova with tha souped-up 307 an’ the oversized carb an’ tha glass packs she’d got fer Cristmus las’ year. He wuz a simple town boy. One ah them fellers whut comes from a city dwellin’ clan. She sat inna waitin’ room at tha Tar an Lube an’ pertended ta read one ah them brochures on tread wear life of ah off road tar, but she wuz secretly lookin’ thew a tear innit watchin’ him dislodge tha roofin’ tack from her right rear. ( Tar folks. Don’t go thankin’ nuthin’ seckshal yet. They ain’t e’bn said howdy ta one ‘nother)
He wuz a watchin’ her too, which is why he stabbed hisself with tha tar loosenin’ tool, but he didn’t keer none ‘cause he had met a angel. Tha hair stickin’ outta tha back ah her Quaker State ball cap was tha most pertiest he’d e’br seed. It wus tha color ah decaf coffee he thought ta hisself, only with about a half spoonful ah that coffee whitenin’ flavorin’ in it. Probly Irish Crème he decided.
He patched up tha tar and slicked his hair down with some ah tha lube grease ‘afore goin’ in ta give her tha keys. His boss was out in tha car bay pertendin’ to look o’er a foreign job fer tha blond-headed gal whut works tha Drive-thru teller winder at 1st National. We awl knowed he wuz sweet on her ‘cause he gits change fer a dollar in her winder perty much ever day on account ah he laks ta talk to her. This wuz a real special day fer him ‘cause usually he has ta talk ta her thew ‘at little wall speaker at tha winder an’ taday he was ah lookin’ right at her!
He took advantage ah his boss’s bein’ busy an’ give her tha tar patch fer free. As he handed her keys to her, they brushed fangers. It’us like somebody thowed a toaster in tha bathtub! They wuz both sure they wuz sparks a’ flyin’. He bunched up tha courage an’ ast her right then an there on a date. She said yes e’bn though she knowed she’d been taught better.
Her mama yelled up tha stairs that a visitor wuz a callin’ fer her. She glanced back ta tha mirrer one las’ time an’ then spritzed on her cologne whut smelled lak peppermint candy. He wuz a suckin’ on a piece ah peppermint at tha Tar an Lube ‘at day. She figgered he’d thank it special ‘at she wuz wearin’ tha smell.
After her daddy finished layin’ out fer her young suitor tha various ways he could hide a body ‘er even kill a feller without leavin’ any noticeable marks, they headed out ta his longbed Chevrolet with tha two tone paint an’ glass packs. She loved tha sound ah glass packs. He helt open tha truck door, which made her daddy smile.
They both sat agin’ tha door hannels on account ah this wuz their first date an’ cause his mama had super glued a coffee table copy ah the Holy Bible with tha pitcher ah our Lord an’ Savior Jesus Christ knockin’ at tha door with no outside hannel on it tah the middle ah the seat so’s theyed thank ‘bout anything they loins wuz a tellin’ ‘em tah do.
Tha night wuz a magical thang. She didn’t reckon her heart had fluttered this much since Mary Ellen Walton had met ‘at Dr. she ‘ventually married on The Waltons Season 4. He figgered any minute God hisself would strike him tha rest ah tha way dead ‘cause he wuz already in tha presence of ah angel. He e’bn drank his milk shake too fast and made a bubble come outta his nose hole, but she didn’t mind. This wuz tha perfect gal he thought to hisself.
As tha night ended he pulled back up tah her house. He jumped out an’ ran ‘round an’ opened her door. Then he thowed his blue jean jacket on tha ground right in front ah her.
He seed a feller do ‘at inna late night movie one time an’ it made tha gal he wuz with smile. It wuz a clear evenin’ an’ they weren’t no mud nowhere, but she smiled an’ stepped on his jacket thankin’ it wuz ‘bout tha most romantic thang she’d e’ber seed.
They stood under tha porchlight starin’ at each other. She sighed as he took her hand an’ without sayin’ a word, led her over ta tha porch swang. He let her sit down first case’n she had a favert side an’ then he sat down besides her. After a couple ah minutes ah lookin thew tha part in tha livin’ room curtains ta make certain her daddy wuzn’t loadin’ nuthin’ he could wound a feller with, he slipped his arm up around her shoulder. She didn’t mind none ‘cause he had showed hisself a gentleman awl night long so far.
( Raght here outta respect fer tha two ah them, I reckon ah gotta cut off tha story. Suffice it tah say they ended up happy married with seven kids, a blue tick hound an’ a cat whut kept snakes outta tha front yard ‘cause they only fed him ever other day so’s ta keep his hunger up fer slitherin’ thangs and field mice an’ such. I wuz gonna make this a little racier but ah got tah thankin’ ‘at mebbe romance is more startin’ out slow an’ lettin’ it grow than it is grabbin’ an’ pawin’ an slobber jawin’. Leastwise if ya workin’ fer a real happy endin’)
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