When I Cry
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When I Cry
Is it the road I travel that seems too long?
Dozing off during those open stretches, listening to the same old song,
Many of life’s sites passed by while my eyes are at half mast,
Driving forever believing my life’s plans are not already cast,
Still the loneliness sets in and my eyes grow exceedingly heavy,
My mind somewhere else instead of controlling my direction, possibly hitting the levy,
If I continue to live a life void of all my attention,
I will continue to desecrate that evangelical assention,
I want to stop my own numbness and see the little things hidden away,
The little things that have no meaning but lift me up anyway,
My journey has taken me a life time that is just a small breath for some,
My path is very straight and narrow with to many left and right turns confusing and numb,
I want to stop all the turning and see all that is intended for my eye,
Will this ever happen; Lord hear my cry!
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Ok, here goes. I have a hard time critiquing this piece as a poem because I get so stuck on rhyme and rhythm ... and I know that's not necessarily needed in modern poetry ... but I don't know what IS needed! So, I'll comment on grammar and spelling. L1- should be TOO long; L4 - my life's plans ARE or my life's plan IS; L8 - I'm not sure what you meant to say but "evangelical assent ion" didn't make sense to me; L12 - "narrow with TOO many". Those are a few things I noticed. There were a couple punctuation things I would change personally (like putting in a question mark on your last line). Take time to smell the roses! Good message! God bless! Donna
Donna picked up all the things that jumped out at me Glenn, but other than that, the wording and flow was very good. Like Donna, I'm very much a rhyme and rhythm person, so also find it hard to comment on the technical aspects of modern poetry, but once again I thought you painted an excellent picture with your words. With love, Deb