The Grinch Had it all Wrong
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The Grinch had it all wrong. A fact that he realized as he stood precariously atop Mount Crumpit on Christmas morning, a sleigh full of Who-toys and his dog Max beside him. He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming by relieving the Whos down in Who-ville of their possessions. Fortunately for the reader, the Whos, and Dr. Seuss, the Grinch came to his senses and rejoiced the coming of Christmas along with the Whos.
The reader, of course, knew all along that the Grinch's scheme would fail. You don't steal Christmas by stealing material possessions. Oh no. If the Grinch had wanted to steal Christmas, he would have gone about it in an entirely different manner.
First, not only would he leave the presents undisturbed beneath the Who's trees, he would have began extensive advertising campaigns shortly after Labor Day. These ads would bombard the Who TV viewers with an endless parade of gadgets, toys, and glittering gizmos. Who boys would be convinced that they couldn't possibly go on without the latest Who Wrestling Federation action figure, complete with chains and steel folding chairs to use on unwary opponents. Teenage Who girls would fall madly in love with the latest fashion from Tommy Who, costing three times as much as the same article of clothing without the manufacturers advertisement embroidered on it. Oh yes. The Grinch, if he had truly wanted to steal Christmas, would have ensured that every Who down in Who-ville craved more and more gifts. Every Who living room would have been stacked to the ceiling with packages, lavishly wrapped in $10 a roll paper.
He wouldn't have stopped there, though, the rascal. Every Monday after Thanksgiving, the Grinch would have released the estimated weekend sales figures from the major shopping malls (The Grinch would be sure to build one wherever there was 5 acres or more of vacant land). The Who news anchors would report very glumly if the figures were down from previous years, but smile broadly if things were going well at the cash register. The Whos gathered in front of the 6 o' clock news would either feel inspired to help out the poor suffering retailers or join in on the fun that all the other Whos were apparently having.
The Grinch would be thrilled to discover that, after the initial effort, the Whos would begin to do his work for him. In their frenzy to outspend their fellow Whos, ideas would spring up for buying even more gifts. Family drawings and office secret Santas would become all the rage. Unruly Who parents would rush madly from store to store, searching for the hot toy of the season, something that the Who kids would play with for five minutes before stuffing it in a toy box beneath the mountain of other gifts they'd received that Christmas.
Yes, the Grinch would realize that, if he really wanted to steal Christmas, he must first clutter the lives of the Whos with covetous desires to not only buy as much as possible, but to get as much as possible. And the worst possible Who-paux that one could commit is to fail to buy a gift for someone who has bought you a gift.
But that's only the first step in his plan. The Grinch has successfully stolen Christmas. But, in order to ensure that it never returns, he must erase the memory of Christmas from the minds of his unsuspecting Who victims.
He'd begin by convincing Who government bodies that the use of the word Christmas is unconstitutional and that only religiously neutral decorations may adorn the lawns and walls of government offices. School Christmas pageants would be replaced by Winter Festivals and Holiday Parades. It would not only become unpopular to discuss religion among friends, it would become reason for dismissal in every workplace.
And finally, in the name of tolerance, the Whos would be convinced that it's important to celebrate different customs from around the world during the Holidays, and that perpetuating many of our own customs may offend visitors from foreign lands.
Oh, the Grinch, he was a crafty one. It's a good thing that his heart was softened and his eyes were opened that fateful day. Just imagine if he'd regrouped, re-planned, and tried again the next Christmas with the methods outlined here. Eventually, Who-ville wouldn't have been enough. It wouldn't have been long until he'd cast his eyes toward America, where prosperity and technology would make his plan even easier to unfold.
I'm certainly happy that didn't happen.
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...and least we not forget, to end all of the holiday cheer in the stores and other forms of media at precisely 6:00 pm Christmas day
"Why, my sweet little writer," the wry Christian said, "Your point is well taken...the best I have read. So I'm praying your writing is published, My Dear. If it's available there, then more people will hear."
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